Priceless lessons and life moments or something like that....

A couple weeks ago, after another long week of Super Mama life (aka early morning terrorist negotiations with my 9 year old, before school care drop offs, pick ups, long ass commutes, dinner, activities, bath time and then finally my favorite moment of Super Mama life BED TIME) I crawled into bed to find Anabella there.  She quickly made a point to turn her back to me and stick her bum out as if to say, "don't touch me".  I lean over to ask her what's wrong only to get a curt response of "nothing"......then again...and the same.  Wait, am I married to my 9 year old now???? 

Anyways, I proceed to ask her again and we go back and forth until finally exasperated I say, "You know what Anabella? You can be mad at me all you want to be, but you can not be mad at me and sleep in my bed beside me. SO let's get you tucked into your bed."  That of course lead to more debates until finally I turn over and just curtly say, "Good night Anabella. I love you no matter what but I sure don't like it when you be so lippy to your Mama. It hurts my feelings."

About 10 minutes of silence and no sleeping later, I hear a whisper from the other side of the bed, "Mama, I'm sorry", to which I quickly respond, "Bella, what are you sorry for?" to which Bella responds, "I'm really sorry for being so lippy and hurting your feelings."  GOD BLESS YOU CHILD YOU HAVE A CONSCIENCE was my last thought as we quickly snuggled to sleep.

The next morning on the way to school it occurred to me, I wonder if Anabella even knows what "Lippy" means?  as its a word my Dad used in my childhood and I rarely ever use.  Well, this is how that conversation went and this was a very valuable Mama lesson for me:

Me: "Anabella, last night when you said you were SORRY for being lippy....do you know what Lippy means?"

Anabella: "No. What does Lippy mean Mom?"

Me: "Anabella, you don't know what Lippy means?! It means cheeky or argumentative or not being nice to your Mom.  Why would you say Sorry for something if you didn't know what it meant?"

Anabella: "Because YOU said I was being Lippy and then you were upset, so I said Sorry for being Lippy."

Me: Crucial Mama Lesson Moment. "Anabella.  Look at my eyes right now!.  I don't want you EVER again in your lifetime to apologize to anyone for something you don't understand. No matter how upset Mommy or Daddy or your teachers or anyone is...always ask questions so you can understand. THEN you can apologize if you think it's the right thing to do."

This happens all the time and we don't even  realize it as parents.  When Anabella was a toddler I always used to say, "Step on it Freddy", to get her to walk a little faster.  Finally when she was about 3.5 years old she  turned to me one day and said, "I'm trying Mama,  but what am I supposed to STEP ON?".  Priceless. Makes me laugh to this day when I think  about that moment.

To all my new Mama's out there: Pay Attention.

Our babies do what we say without fully understanding it. They apologize without fully comprehending what they should be apologizing for.  I'm so much more aware now to ensure Anabella or any other child around me understands things and doesn't just try to be a people pleaser by following direction.  I want to raise a child who comprehends and  leads others, not just a child who does as she's told and follows direction regardless of comprehension. 

I love being her Mama and I'm so grateful for the little laughs and the life lessons she continues to teach me every day of our life together. 

Love,
Jess + Bella

Co-parenting 101 -- Tip #2 -- Check it AND fast...

CO-PARENTING TIP #2:

 

C H E C K   Y O U R  E G O  A T  T H E  D O O R... and fast! Like YESTERDAY lightning fast.  

 

When your whole life is quickly spiraling out of control and your feet have been kicked out from under you like nothing you have every experienced; all while you have one, two, three or more children of varying ages hanging off your hip, leg, or any other body part they can clasp onto, it becomes very hard to not PANIC and let your once unseen little friend "Ego" take over. No matter how kind, centered, loving, grateful or hormonally balanced you are, ALL of these thoughts will start going through your mind (and more):

 

• What the F*ck? How could he/she not know how lucky he/she is?
• OMG! This is NOT happening  to us. We are not the couple who gets Divorced.
• How am I going  to face (Insert 5 million names here) _______________?
• This can not be happening to us, we have such an amazing CRACKBOOK life!
• I know he/she's cheating! I will KILL them BOTH.
• Who the F*ck does He/She think He/She is?  I'm going to make his/her life HELL.
• I'm NOT paying Him/Her one single Penny.
  (And for the women out there who think they never have to pay an ex husband, who clearly makes more money than you, anything? I had to pay my ex-husband $100.00/month for gas money -- for the 4.5 years that I didn't have a car -- because he worked from home, 10 minutes from our daughters daycare and school, and agreed to do all daycare/school drop off and pick ups because I worked downtown and couldn't get to her in time via transit. Don't  EVER assume anything! AND I'M NOT UPSET. I'm grateful he was able to do that for her.)
• I'm going to take Him/Her for everything he/she is worth!
• If he/she thinks he/she is going to see MY baby he/she is in for a RUDE awakening!

Now here is where I can help you.  You need to know, you will think all of the above,  BUT: You DO NOT need to act upon them.  In fact this is my version of me being your very best friend and throwing my entire body in front of you to STOP you from doing it. 

What you SHOULD do is this:

Stop. Breath. Reflect. Cry. Scream. Do not worry about what other people will think. Do not worry about a year from now. Stay in TODAY.

Write yourself a letter. Talk to your sister. Get in the bath. Go play golf.
Let yourself think and feel all the REAL gut wrenching, confusing GROWN UP feelings that come along with your Ego friend for at least a good week!
 

DO NOT send a 10 page email full of accusations (without proof).

DO NOT utter threats and scream and yell in front of your children (Ever).
DO NOT record conversations with your soon to be ex without his/her consent.

DO NOT install spy software on your soon to be ex's computer. (Yes this shit happens every dam day)

And the MOST important of all, DO NOT do any of the above or  talk to other people about the situation while under the same roof as YOUR children. 

Key words here: YOUR Children. As in two of you. As in Dads AND Moms.  As in it took the two of you laying down together and conceiving them. As in NOT JUST YOURS. (As much as you wish they were just yours in that moment in time, there will be a day that comes where you are happily shipping them off to your co-parents house...I promise!)

 

Children are waaaaay to smart for their own  dam good. Even in the best of circumstances where you are the worlds greatest actor/actress (I like to credit myself here as Oscar worthy...just saying) and  you don't say one single bad word in front of them or shed even one single tear  of sadness, THEY WILL FEEL IT.  Our babies know when something is different. They feel when we are upset or hurt or angry. Even without hearing one word. And when or if  you do slip up and say the words, they will hear E V E R Y T H I N G.

Even when you think they're asleep with the white noise machine one, and they're two floors away from you, and the music is on and the washing machine is running, and the bathtub is filling up while you whisper through your phone to your sister.... oh yah, make no mistake their super powered little ears will hear every - single - little - word.

 

I could go on for  days here, but to keep to the point: Check your ego at the door. You have to remove the ego (aka all of the above thoughts) and focus on the only thing that matters at this point: Your little humans and ensuring you can keep things as normal as possible (each situation drastically varies on this). 

This means:

 

1.  Right off the bat, making sure your kids are having time with both parents. 
2. That while under the same roof as your soon to be ex and immediate co-parent you now refer to the co-parent only as "Mommy" or "Daddy". 
3. Slapping that grand ass smile onto your Super-Parent face and acknowledging "Mommy" or "Daddy" while in the same room together.
4. ENCOURAGING your child to be excited to go with "Mommy" or "Daddy" alone (even when you'd rather poke your eyeballs out with a fork or better yet your Ex's). 
5. Being selfless and putting your little human's happiness and needs well above yours and your ex's.



From the hands of  my little human.

And most importantly, this means letting your little humans continue to be LITTLE and letting the big humans worry about big human problems away from the little humans.  Believe it or not, these little eyes beaming up at you in admiration every day are looking for you to SHOW them how to handle every single thing that life throws at them. They don't know life any other way than how we, as their mentors, lead and guide them. So show them, that it's going to be okay. Show them, that even when life changes and homes change, it is still OKAY.  Show them that even if Mommy and Daddy are under separate roofs and better off friends, that you always both Love them and that it will be OKAY. 

 

Separation and Divorce isn't slowing down in numbers.  It isn't going anywhere. Be the change you want to see in this world and show your children what cooperation, strength, agility, love, selflessness and compassion look like. 

 

Please. Let your little humans enjoy being little humans. Let them stay in LOVE with both parents in a new world. Show them that change is not the end of their world. I'm living this. It works. It's worth it. SHE deserves it. YOU deserve it.

 

Love,

Jess

Disclaimer: For those of you who aren't co-parents and never plan to be a co-parent (FYI, I never planned to be a co-parent either) IGNORE these posts OR you may want to pass this onto your friends who are walking in these separated or divorced shoes. Sadly or maybe happily, in today's world we are all surrounded by co-parenting relationships.  For those of you in the midst of co-parenting or considering the huge life changing decision  of  co-parenting, by no means am I certified expert on this topic but I've certainly learned a plethora of knowledge on the topic first hand during the past 6 years of my co-parenting relationship. If even one thing we do or that I can  share can help your experience go a little smoother, then this Blog post is well worth it for me. 



 

Co-parenting 101 -- Tip #1 -- CHOOSE a new Relationship...

I get a lot of emails, questions and comments about the co-parenting situation that Anabella’s father big daddy DC and I have established together this past 6 years since our divorce.  I get constant comments on my social media feeds about how inspirational we are, how we should teach workshops to other parents,  write a book and how more people should do it like we did.  Hell, even our judge from our two-hour mediation session complimented the both of us on our loving way of handling our co-parenting duty and responsibilities since day ONE of our separation and he looked right at us and said the words:

 “You are the poster child family for how to co-parent the right way.”  

OMG! No pressure there! (Little did the judge know that in those difficult NEW moments, both me and my ex-husband could barely stand to breath the same air as each other let alone smile at each other and share a child!)

Anyone who thinks you can divorce another human “happily” is quite frankly freaking delusional in my eyes.  It doesn’t matter whether both parties “want” the divorce. It doesn’t matter if it was a long time coming or a complete shock.  It doesn’t matter if you were best friends for 100 years prior to your marriage or you got married on your first date.

You CANNOT end a marriage, a family, a union, a life together without feeling a big LOSS…
loss of a friend…
loss of a lover….
loss of a family…
loss of your partner’s family…
loss of a home...
EVEN loss of shared “couple friends”...(don't worry, you realize quickly how much those friends didn't really know you or matter in your life)

And trust me, all of those things WILL happen regardless of what you may think.  There is always something that is lost. Unless you are heartless, and in that case you will feel ZERO loss. Remember having a brand-new baby for the first time and the roller coaster of emotions you had….the highs..the lows...the exhaustion.....the loss of your brain.....it’s like that….but with a shit ton more ANGER and minus the awesome new squishy prize of a tiny baby.  No matter who gets divorced, it is never easy and there is never a right time.  Especially when squishy little humans are involved. Althooooooooough in my personal experience, I’d highly recommend the age of 2.5 years old as an ideal time!

THAT is my story, OUR story, and this is my first blog in a series of blogs to come on on how we did it, DO it and will continue to co-parent out of pure love and adoration for the little, not so little anymore 9 year old  human we both had a hand in creating and bringing into this crazy world.  God chose the both of us to be her parents for a reason…and every day I learn another reason why.

CO-PARENTING TIP #1:  Raising a healthy, happy, balanced, secure and loving little human with another big human (who, let’s be super REAL here, you probably can’t stand for a looooong period of time) in two different homes, with two different bedrooms and two family Christmas’s for the rest of your god given life requires commitment, unconditional love and sacrifice on both of the big human’s parts (that’s you, YOU ARE THE BIG HUMAN).   It is a CHOICE to choose a lifetime of hurt, anger, hate and frustrating moments OR to choose happy.

Ok. Are you ready for the big kicker?  This duty and, frankly, privilege of being a little human’s parent and leading them through life by EXAMPLE requires YOU and your EX to CHOOSE a NEW RELATIONSHIP.  Yes. A  NEW relationship with the person you just ended a relationship with. Co-parenting is not a "situation" that will go away. Co-parenting is choosing a joint venture that requires you to create, build and learn a brand new relationship with someone you "Don't really like" in that moment in time,  based solely on the LOVE of your children. Don't cry. Crazy concept, right?

Selfless Love. Putting your children first. Sacrificing being a right fighter. Realizing that happiness for your kids is more important than fighting over pennies and for god's sake, pull  up your big girl or big boy pants and at bare minimum show some RESPECT to the person who helped create the thing or things you love most in this world.  It means loving your children more than you dislike your ex.  It means realizing the enormity of the job you are privileged to have and showing your children, from a very young age, how to properly handle all that life throws at them.  It means leading  by example and teaching our little humans with our actions and not just our words, showing them that even when life changes and things don't end up how you planned or expected them to, there is ALWAYS room for  love and connection. There is always room for choice. There is always room for Happiness.  CHOOSE HAPPY.

So come on all my fellow BIG HUMANS....pull up your big girl and  big boy pants and lets raise a planet of strong,  loving, stable, happy and loved little humans who will in turn raise another generation of strong, loving, stable, happy and loved little humans. 

WELCOME TO YOUR NEW WORLD OF CREATING AND CHOOSING A HAPPY CO-PARENTING RELATIONSHIP!

FYI, As I type this blog today, my co-parent/ex-husband is upstairs at MY house, delivering flu relief to Anabella and snuggling her.  Just one of the many perks of happily co-parenting our child together.  In fact, his common law partner, may now actually love me for getting him out of their house and giving her some much needed alone time ! Ha. (Bin there, done that!!!!)

Love,
Jess

Disclaimer:  Now let’s be extra clear here, I’m not referring to families coming out of abusive, toxic or severely unhealthy situations where extreme measures need to be taken to protect children.  I’m talking about the “average” non-abusive couple who has kids, who has a family together that they love, but has a relationship with one another that is NOT working and results in a divorce. 

Finally....eyebrow game in the DC girls house!!!

It only took one month short of 9 years but my beautiful, porcelain white skinned, blue eyed, blond haired child finally.......GREW EYEBROWS....THAT YOU CAN SEE! I was so excited when I looked at her and realized this this weekend that I could barely contain myself from squealing and jumping up and down in excitement. 

Keep in mind this is coming from her tan skinned, freckle faced, brown eyed, Mama who was practically born with ONE eyebrow across my forehead instead of two, and I could have used a good waxing or threading by the age of 2.

Thanks for that Russian and German heritage DAD! 

ME: "OMG! Look at me! You have eyebrows now! OMG! I can't believe it!  I've been waiting 9 years for you to get eyebrows!"



BELLA: "Moooooooooom. It's not THAT exciting. Geez. Stop hugging me so tight."


Am I the only Mom who get's excited about these silly little  things?  Wait......AM I?


Love,
Jess

Life with an almost 9 year old....priceless moment #12874387495809432

Last night after I made my loooooong ass commute home to the burbs from my office in Vancouver, I picked up my little lovely from her after school care program.  Nothing unusual about this, it's all part of our daily Monday to Friday routine.  However, the following 10 second conversation between us was one of my million reminders of why the commute, the long days, the tired nights, the expensive holidays and all the stress that goes along with being a Mama is well worth it! 

Me (Looking back at her in my rear-view mirror): "Have I told you how much I LOVE YOU yet today?"

Anabella (Not taking her eyes off her iPad): "Have I told YOU how much I LOVE YOU yet today?"

Me: "Have I told you how EXPENSIVE you are?"

Anabella (Still not flinching or taking her eyes of her iPad): Have I told you how PRICELESS you are?"

Awwwwwwww. I made her! That sweet, beautiful child is MINE. Well played my child. Well played. Or wait, did I just get played by my own child?

Moment's like that make everything worth it. 

What are your priceless moments? Do you capture them somewhere to share with your children when they grow up? A blog? Another creative way? Share with me please!

Love,
Jess

What time did Robbie die?

Me:  "What time did Robbie die? I can't remember already!" HOW could I forget?

My older sister: "12:17pm"

Me:  "It's been 717 days, 2 hours, 55 minutes and 25 seconds"

My older sister: "Crazy"

Just another random set of texts between my older sister and I.

It's been 717 days, 2 hours, 55 minutes and 25 seconds since the moment our entire world both ended and began  in one massive gut wrenching, heart breaking, grief filled moment.  It's been 717 days, 2 hours, 55 minutes and 25 seconds since our baby sister Robbie, the third to our #always3, took her last agonizing heart felt breath in our arms and left us AND the horrific brutal beast, cancer, she was living with.  The feeling of that moment is permanently seared in my heart and body despite the precise details like exact time being a frequent black out from my brain and memory.  All part of "healing" they say....all part of the "grief process" they say...all part of PTSD they say.......

All part of the shittiest most agonizing part of REAL life is what I say. 

That was the last second of our life and the first moment of what, almost two years later, I now recognize as our new normal.  Our new life without Robbie isn't like our old life with Robbie.  Our family is completely broken and void of a huge piece of all of our hearts.  We are all grieving differently and we are all frustrated with each others grieving, while knowing full well that we are all coping with the loss of the same special person.  The  shock has long worn off and the pain is real and unavoidable.  Some days it feels like she was just here yesterday, while others it feels as though she's been gone for a lifetime already.

The moments I never even paid attention to in my old life are now the BEST memories in our new normal.  I do everything to keep her here with me, while at the same time trying to allow her the freedom to be free and happy and at peace wherever she needs to be now. 

• I wear a necklace every day with her photo on it.
• I have a tattoo on each arm representing her. 
• I try to wear a piece of her clothing or her pjs every.single.day. 
• I have another necklace with her photo hanging in my truck.
• I say good morning to her every morning on my drive to work. 
• My older sister has Robbie's old cell #, so every time I call my older sister I have to say and see "Tracy (Robbie's Cell) Be***w" show up on my bluetooth and phone.
• We talk about Auntie Robbie almost daily and...We remember. We remember. We remember.

Along with losing my sister, came the new found unconventional gift of feeling peace from being able to help others dealing with cancer or others dealing with the loss of a loved one.  Some call it morbid, but I feel peace if I'm able to help even one person understand cancer a little more clearly, or help one family feel less alone in their battle and loss, or can encourage even one person that there is a life after loss and there is a new normal and the new normal is a life with a lot more gratitude for the things you once took for granted.

It's truly a day at a time. It's truly choosing happy every day instead of curling up in a ball and avoiding the world. It's truly choosing gratitude for the good you see in your MOMENT, your day instead of being angry for the things you've senselessly lost. You will never make sense out of nonsense and losing a healthy, 27 year old sister after a horrific, intense short 7 month battle with cancer is nonsense.  There is nothing sensible or right about it and if you try to make sense of it you will end up in the psych ward of your nearest hospital.

I miss my sister. It's painful and it's confusing and it's surreal and it's REAL life.  There is no shame in being open about your heart and your learning's. There is no shame in admitting your faults.  There is no shame in standing proud in who you are and how you got there. 

Today I am here. Missing my sister.  Wishing it was different.  Battling a relapse of PTSD. Working with my doctor and a therapist. Being authentic. Working full time at the company I love.  Being a Super-mama to the love of my life and choosing to live in love and gratitude even when it hurts and even when it doesn't make sense.

Love,

Jess

7 months and 24 days...day 1

It has been 7 months and 24 days since I last sat down to write type.  Do you realize that's 237 days (but who's counting) that I've been...living?!  So much has happened, yet so much has stayed the same which makes it so difficult for me to even figure out where to begin again with my writing.  I don't even know what I'm going to write about, but I know I want need to write again. I'm determined to get back to writing this blog...for me...for Anabella....for you?  So...bare with me if I ramble.  I'm a work in progress and I'll find my groove again.

I feel like the last two years has been a whirlwind of emotional highs and lows and a lifetime's worth of lessons.  Since we lost Robbie so tragically and suddenly, it's been a chaotic cycle of ups and downs and all arounds. I can honestly say I feel like I'm an expert level grief survivor at this point, and in some ways the grief of losing Robbie has been a gift to me.  Yes, I just said THAT.

Of course, I'd give anything to have my beautiful little sister and Super Auntie back in our lives, even for one more day....but this isn't a fairytale and I don't get my three wishes.  What this is....is real freakin' life. A life that I sadly took for granted, just like most of us do, until one day I woke up and didn't have my little sister to talk to any more. Thus began the first day of the rest of my life...my "life after Robbie".

My two sister's and I always had a unique relationship.  Every time I went home to visit, we'd all be together. Not vacationing somewhere exotic or jumping out of airplanes knocking off items from our bucket list, but really just being together....with our babies and each other.  Lounging in our jammie's, grocery shopping ALL together, laying in the sun, being bored, cooking dinner's, watching movies....just being...with each other. Sometimes we'd share our time with a select few close friends that became family over the years...but mostly it would just be the three of us and our kids.

Not being all together wasn't an option.
Fighting longer than a day wasn't an option.

At the beginning, we didn't realize not all sister's were like us. Then somewhere along the way we became more aware that we were a little different than those around us. We just chalked it up to our massive age differences (5 years between me and my older sis and 11 years between me and my younger sis and 16 years between them!!!).  And now a year and a half since Robbie's passing, it's crossed my mind more than once that maybe, just maybe, the reason we had all that "boring" sister time together is because somewhere deep down in a place unknown (and frankly not wanting to be known) we all felt that we had a short time together as THREE.

Well, now here we are 1.5 years after losing Robin. My older sister and I have struggled alone and struggled together.  Tracy and I love each other, but we have both lost a sister who we each had a unique and special emotional bond with.  We each lost the Super Auntie to our beautiful kids; our favorite babysitter. We each lost our favorite confidant; our secret keeper. We each lost our reason maker; our peace keeper.  We each lost our best friend and we were  left behind in our heartbroken numbness and anger to pick up the pieces for ourselves and our children.  To somehow honor our sister and  to live the way Robin would if she had been given the same GIFT. We've been pushed over the edge of all things right and forced to re-build a new relationship with each other and a new life....our life after Robbie.  A  life where we look like two, but we are always three.

So many people stay stuck. Stay lost in the Why's and the insanity of trying to make reason out of the unreasonable.  Death is senseless. A healthy 27 year old woman getting diagnosed with cancer and dying 7 months later is unreasonable.  It's not right. It's not fare. There will never be a justification that will bring peace or comfort to anyone.  We were both in it. We cried every day. We yelled at God.  We questioned God. Is there a God? Fuck you "God".  We couldn't comprehend a life without a little sister.  We didn't want to be two sisters.  It wasn't a world we wanted to be a part of. There can't just be two of us.  We were made to be three sisters.  It wasn't something we could grasp. We tortured ourselves for months and months and months.

Everything was hard. Every day was painful. Every day was sad. Waking up every morning hurt. Laying my head on my pillow to sleep hurt.  Breathing hurt. It hurt....a lot...and each day was a new day...and it still hurt and I was still angry and I was still mad at the world.  And then one day I woke up....and realized that my beautiful, kind little sister who was so full of life and who deserved to live didn't get to and here I am, living in misery with no sense of gratitude or love because I had lost a giant piece of my heart?  How is that okay?  That was the day my life started to change....I decided that if Robbie didn't get to live then god dammit, I was going to live for her...with her. I was going to appreciate everything I am blessed with every single day and I was going to share my love and gratitude with my daughter...and the world and with Robbie.

And now.....I accept it.

I accept that my beautiful, peaceful baby sister has moved on in her journey in this world to a better place.

I accept that she is at peace and she is pain-free and happy.  

I accept that there is a heaven and there is a god....but my heaven and my god might be very different than yours, and that's okay.

I accept that I was lucky to have a little sis in my life for 27 years.  

I accept that loss sucks, grief is painful and a broken heart actually physically hurts like hell.

I accept that Robbie may not be here with us in body, but her presence is with me every single minute of every single day.

I accept that losing Robbie gifted me with the ability to value my own life and every day I get to be here to share it with my little girl.

I accept that losing Robin doesn't mean she's gone.   In fact she is with me more than ever...it's just different. (If you've lost someone special, then you understand this).

I accept that I don't have control over every little thing in life, and that what I do have control over is my own heart and my own mind and who I choose to show up as in this world.

I accept that I have control over teaching my daughter the value of life and sharing and creating memories with people we love.

I accept that I have the privilege and gift of teaching Anabella's beautiful soul that it's okay to smile and live after you lose someone so important to you.  I get to lead by example into a new world of gratitude and joy; and still include Auntie Robbie in our daily conversations and lives.

I accept that death happens. It happens to all of us and we don't get to pick our time.  Robin has gifted me with no  longer having a fear of death; because I know that THAT will be the day I get to hug my baby sister in heaven and I know that I've taught my little girl how to truly grab onto life and memories and live after loss.

I get to be free....and I get to lead by example.

I am alive. I am grateful. I am full of love. I am blessed with beautiful memories and we will make a million more. I am Anabellas mama.

To all of those who have stood by us....thank you.

Love,
Jess

The day before tomorrow...reality shatters + deepened world

One year ago today was the day before my life changed forever.

Just another day...another year...another Thursday before a weekend of pigging out on our fave family meal together.

The Thursday before Thanksgiving long weekend.

I was effortlessly happy and simply excited to spend the next three days with my fam.....I couldn't wait to see my sisters! I always loved being on the island in the fall; rainy-cold-dark early-movies-appies-snuggles and stuck under one roof with my sisters and our kids. Thanksgivings always sucked when one of us lived far away, but this year was another year we all lived in BC again and we would all be together. It was also going to be our first Thanksgiving two of Robbie's best friends aka our cousins Emily & Julie and their partners. YAY!

I was so naively thankful that day. My baby sister had recently been given the all clear from her cervical cancer fight. "Fuck you cancer! You messed with the wrong three sisters", we said. I knew she would beat it! I just knew we weren't going to be that family. I was newly, crazily, blindly and gratefully in love with a man that made my heart smile (without saying a word) and who I just knew was the guy I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life without. My jaded heart was happy, I was kid-free for one night and my biggest concern was counting down the seconds until I could go out to dinner with my boyfriend.

It was a good day. It was a great day. It was the day before tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I innocently answered my ringing phone only to hear my heart broken Mom sobbing on the other end of the line. Tomorrow, I would find out my extraordinary sister, despite beating cervical cancer, now had Metastasized liver and lung cancer and that there was zero chance of her survival. Tomorrow, was the day I became the most helpless and present that I would ever be. Tomorrow, was the beginning of the most sad, challenging, inspiring and heartfelt year of my life. Tomorrow, was the day my reality shattered and my world deepened. Tomorrow, we had to choose to live every day smiling with Robbie, knowing that each day could be her last. Tomorrow was the day I learned what a true hero is.

Tomorrow...late tomorrow night,  I would tip-toe into my sister's dark bedroom...crawl into her bed...and wrap myself around her beautiful, breathing, living body in silence (While silently raging, screaming and crying on the inside...NOOOOOOOOOOO, NOT HER. DON'T TAKE MY SISTER. SHE'S OURS. SHE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS. SHE DID EVERYTHING RIGHT!FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU CANCER!)

Silence.

No other words or movement, we would lay glued together, feeling each other breath in our unimaginable sister snuggle of pain...and then simply whisper, "I love you"...."I love you too" in the darkness.

Tomorrow sucked....tomorrow changed everything.

One year. Today is hard.

Love,
Jess

 

Cliffs + Wings = Freedom

 

So it's been a while since my last post. It's been 10 months of shifts and adjustments and living and breathing in our new normal since losing my sister & Bella's Auntie. 

Being vulnerable and owning your shit isn't fun and it definitely isn't easy, but I believe it's worth it.  A wise man once said: "First you jump off the cliff and you build wings on the way down."  (Thank you Ray Bradbury) 

This is me on a cliff and god dammit I'm getting earning those damn wings.

People keep asking me why I've quit drinking and here's my humble, solid, confident, "scream it from the rooftops until I can't scream it anymore" answer:

I quit drinking, NOT because I drink "to often" or "to much", but because my body and my mind has a very apparent and totally obvious (to anyone who isn't drunk) allergy to alcohol. Consuming alcohol hits me harder than most, not as hard as others, and frankly to hard for my own dam good. It doesn't matter if it's two glasses of wine on a date, two bottles of wine amongst girlfriends or a table full of shots to celebrate one of a million things worth celebrating in this glorious life, I will inevitably have the same end result. 

A much anticipated, long planned "Mama's night out" will 9 times out of 10 result in this (responsible, healthy, smart, kind, motivated, loving) SUPER-mama becoming sick as a dog, throwing up throughout the evening and waking up to a black hole of nothingness for a memory. Follow up that super-awesome experience with losing an entire day, and in some cases even two, of my life to more nausea, sickness, body aches, headaches, emotional lows, regrets, anger and ultimately daaaaaaaaaays of recovering and healing to simply just get my mind and my body back to the "normal" state it was before I made the choice to have a drink.

WHO does that? Over and over and over again?  What healthy, responsible "normal" human being would make that choice for themselves, right?  Why? And for what?  Me.  I did that. Smart, responsible me made those choices and despite regretting them every-single-time I continued to make the same dumb choice.  This isn't new to me. This isn't an epiphany and it's not something I have newly stumbled upon or developed an intolerance to over time. This isn't me jumping on a band wagon or looking for an excuse.  This is my very own vulnerable reality and experience and something that has happened over and over and over again since the very first time I decided to be a "cool" small town island girl and try alcohol for the first time in my teens. (Drink it with a straw and you'll get drunk faster they said....and I did.)

Let me be clear here, this isn't something my 7.5 year old daughter has EVER seen. In fact, she'd be hard pressed to point out a time she's even seen alcohol in our home let alone in my hand if you ever asked her. I'm not the weeknight drinker. I'm not the woman having a glass of wine at the end of a stressful work day. I'm not the person having a glass of wine with my meals. I'm not the woman craving the weekend to escape my child and have my next drink. I'm the complete opposite. I'm the responsible, healthy single Mama with a successful full time career, a strong family, great friends, passions, interests, a dating life with a commitment to being healthy, happy and well AND who has lived her life in denial of her allergy to alcohol and continuously caused unnecessary damage to myself and my body as a result.

Declaring "I'm never drinking alcohol again" is NOT a new thing for me and I'm pretty sure there's a slew of facebook posts to prove it, but what IS new is my personal reasons & clarity, my commitment to myself as well as to  those rallied around me in support, and my recognition of the following life altering experience:
  
It's no secret to those who know me that my beauty of a 27 year old sister, Robbie, was diagnosed with stage 2 cervical cancer in May 2014.  She had fought and survived, only to be re-diagnosed a few months later with terminal liver and lung cancer.  She was a brave, beautiful warrior throughout her entire 7 month battle and was swiftly released from the horrific pain of the disease and earned her angel wings in December 2014. 

What does Robbie's battle have to do with me making the decision to quit drinking? Besides the fact that humbly watching someone you love battle a horrific, painful, body deteriorating disease changes you? Ummm, EVERYTHING.  The reality is that it was Robbie's LIVER that caused her extreme agony and suffering and it was her cancer riddled beaten down liver that eventually impacted all her other organs, shut down her body and took her from us.

Before the cancer, Robbie was a happy and healthy 27 year old with her entire life in front of her. She ate right. She rarely drank. She didn't smoke. She didn't do drugs. She loved to cook.  She was mature for her age and wise beyond her years.  She was an amazing Auntie and she couldn't wait to get married and be a Mom one day.  She didn't get to, but I did. I AM SO BLESSED and I am also blessed with the gift of a perfectly HEALTHY LIVER.  How can I, in good conscience, purposely continue to poison my liver, the organ that essentially took my sister away? I can't. I simply no longer can and still feel good about who I am. 

She would have been my biggest cheerleader on this decision. In fact, despite being 11 years younger than me even Robbie was one of the selfless good people who took care of me countless times during and after a night of drinks. I'll never regret that time spent with her, but boy I wish I could remember those nights with my sister now that she's gone.

So pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease understand. Please still include me in all the fun we've ever had.  When I can, I'll still be there and I'll be smiling just like always!  I'll have a fancy non-alcoholic drink in my hand and I'll be cheersing my sister Robbie in heaven while proudly honoring both her and my body. Even better? I'll be waking up feeling good and REMEMBERING it all and I'll finally be able to live authentically and be the example I want to set for my beautiful little girl.

My choice is for me.  It's not in any way as a judgement towards anyone who chooses to drink. Drink away! I will respect and support your choice just like I hope you can respect and support mine. 

Love,
Jess

How many calories in a tooth...I wonder?

So Blondie McBlonderson has had four wiggly teeth for MONTHS.  She can barely eat and despite being in love with the the tooth fairy and counting down the years until she can get braces (she thinks getting braces is the coolest thing ever for some reason....who's kid is she again?),  she will not wiggle them or attempt to pull them out.  At Christmas I was so ready for the one tooth to come out, I told her that if her tooth came out the week of Christmas the tooth fairy leaves $20.00.  Usually money bribery will get this mama anything I want, but nope not this time.

 

The other day she was playing at a friends house on a first play date and somehow got hit in the mouth...bam...pow...3rd baby tooth of her lifetime popped out. SUCCESS!   Which brings me to the priceless moment part of this blog post..... 

 

The following day, Anabella and I were in the process of making popcorn and drinks to settle in for movie date together.  Anabella was excitedly chatting away and drawing when I asked her if she wanted a drink.  She walked over, grabbed a water bottle took a few chugs and walked away.  A couple minutes later she turned to me to say something and something was VERY different.....in that moment a look of shock crossed my face and at the same time a look of shock crossed hers....

"Mama....mama....I think.....my tooth....my tooth.....MOM.....MY TOOTH.  My tooth is gone!!! Where's my front tooth?"

 

Frantically she started running around looking for her top front tooth and to our horror it was nowhere to be found. 

 

"I SWALLOWED MY TOOTH! I SWALLOWED MY TOOTH! I can feel it in there!!!!"

 

I could not even contain myself....that little girl made me laugh harder than I've laughed in ages.  She looked in the mirror, and smiled so huge at the hole in her smile.  "I look so cool Mom." 

 

My little toothless wonder...

 

I can't believe she swallowed the damn tooth...the BIG one we've been waiting for, for MONTHS.  Her first "big" baby tooth to fall out and it's gone. Bam. Pow. Just like that. So, ow I'm left with this ever growing toothless adorable 7 year old blond child who has recently taken a liking to calling me "Jessica" instead of "Mama" and decided she wishes we were sisters, but that's an entirely different priceless moment post.

Dear Tooth Fairy...

God bless this beautiful girl and that toothless smile. Take a peak at her note to the tooth fairy and the tooth fairy's note back.  Her father and I don't see eye to eye on some things "magical" and have had one to many discussions about the tooth fairy's choices on financial compensation.  He's a stern $2.00 a tooth kinda man and I'm a flexible "thinks if you swallow a gigantic tooth you deserve some extra compensation" kinda mama.  Oh ya, now I remember reason #765473 we got divorced when she was 2. 

The tooth fairy also left a photo of herself and a second of her best friend on Anabella's iPad as per Anabella's request in the letter.  Who knew the tooth fairy would be so hot?

End of the day...my child believes in the tooth fairy, the love fairy, the easter bunny, the elf on the shelf, Santa Clause and all things magical. I'll keep the magic alive as long as humanly possible or die trying. You only have one time to get it right people....let your kids be kids. Let the magic be real. Let them BELIEVE.

Dear Anabella...



And a second tooth fairy note just in case the first one wasn't enough ;-)

30 - NINE and fOuR days...aka...59 days...

As many of you know, despite my best efforts & prayers, I've deeply struggled with the loss of my beautiful sister to the ruthless killer known as cancer on December 6, 2014.  It's been 59 days since she left us, and although it should be getting easier...frankly it's not.  I've plastered on a smile and gotten through our first Christmas without her, then our first New Years, and then my little girl's 7th birthday.  But I dreaded what was coming next MY 39th birthday; my first birthday without Robbie. 

This is 39

January 30th was my dreaded day.  Everyone who knows me, knows that I LOVE all things birthday. Balloons, cake, gifts, decorations, surprises, family dinners, celebrations....bring it on....but not this year.  The eve of my birthday, I pretty much lost it. 

I didn't want to turn an age that my sister didn't know me. I didn't want to be an age that I would never have memories with my sister. I didn't want to be 39 when she didn't even get 28. I didn't want it. I wanted the world to stop. Just stop. 

I cried and cried  and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I talked to my older sister. My heart ached like it's never ached and I felt like my head was screaming and screaming.  I got ready for bed early and snuggled my beautiful little girl. And in my head I pleaded to my beautiful sister to please come to me, please just let me see her one more time, let me smell her, let me feel her and I told her how much I miss her.  E-V-E-R-Y little thing about her.

Miracle of miracles I SLEPT! (I mean I actually really slept soundly through an entire night!)

My purpose.

I opened my eyes the first day of 39, with my sweet little girl still snuggled up to me with one of Auntie Robbie's tshirts.  I was smiling. Then it hit me....OH MY GOD, I HAD MY FIRST DREAM ABOUT ROBBIE since she left us, Happy Birthday to ME!  My memory is about as good as a gold fish's on a good day (3 seconds people, goldfishes forget everything every 3 seconds), but grief has taken me to a whole new level of forgetfulness. Think "Mommy Brain  x 1000"!  I knew if I remembered the dream in that moment I had to get it written down or I'd forget it forever! Thank god for technology, I grabbed my phone and texted my sister & Mama the dream.  Birthday prayers and wishes do come true!!!!

The dream was a little confusing  but a few things stood out to me and Robbie left me with two messages:

• The fact that Robbie came at my sister Tracy & Don's second marriage carries huge personal significance to me and I'm sure to them.
• In my dream Robbie was her healthy self at her healthy weight with her thick beautiful long hair and big smile and she was driving her car and shopping with me...and her voice...was exactly how I remembered it. Exactly.
• In my dream I spent the majority of it losing things and constantly trying to find them (just like I do every single night, except my nightly dream is the same repetitive dream of losing my one specific wallet over and over and over again).  I googled what this means and in short, it's typically means feeling out of control, recovering from trauma, in search of your identity.

Blurb from my google dream search:

"Someone that has been very precious to you is no longer in your life. Perhaps it was taken away prematurely, and seems irretrievable. It feels to you as though part of your identity and worth is gone because of it. Your dream is given to help you process your feelings of shock and loss."       

Beautiful Robbie we MISS YOU!!!

I asked Robbie two questions in my dream & strongly feel that her answers were messages for all of the people missing her.

The first question was: "Omg Robbie, what did everyone say when they saw you at the wedding? Was it hard to see everyone again?" 

Robbie's response: She got choked up and found it difficult to get the words out, but she said "No, it wasn't.  What WAS hard was to lay in the bed and see & hear everyone so sad and in so much pain."

The second question was:  Did you go to the wedding and the reception? (In my dream I had forgotten everything from the wedding and reception)

Robbie's response:  "No it was to hard, it's to loud/hard for everyone to hear me."

Thank you Kendra!

This dream...these messages....made me feel so blessed and gave me some peace on my birthday.  I was blessed with an extraordinary gift from a long lost close friend (Thank you Nicole Q).  I was lucky enough to spend my morning with a woman whom I both admire and respect and am also fortunate to consider a close friend.  We talked and we cried, we laughed, we drank a Bellini, we took one more baby step forward together (Thank you Kendra V). I got to spend the afternoon at Mint Hair Lounge getting treated like a queen ( Thank you Lisa S), while getting a looooong overdue pick me up. I got to spend the evening with my little girl and another good friend watching the new Paddington Bear movie...and laughing. (Thank you Jeanette J). 

I survived my first birthday without my sister. I didn't know how I would do it, but I did with allot of love, support and encouragement via text, email, phone,  and in person.  With the gift of my sister coming to me in my dream, and the gift of the following wise words in a text from my older sister:

"Jess, my heart aches too. We will never forget, love never fades. But as we age every day, we are one day closer to our journey back to Robbie.  It will never go away. We were blessed, so many people never experience a Robbie in their lives. She's around us everywhere.  She wanted life, so we have to live it for her.  It's hard, I'm sad, I cry, I'm confused but I know how much she'd want me to stay moving forward. She'd want us to live FOR HER.  I love you. We will get through this. xo"

So this is 39. Thanks Robbie...for giving me the strength and courage I prayed for.  Thanks for giving me one more smile, one more smell, one more laugh, one more drive in your car, one more shopping trip, one more candy, and one more sound of your voice. There will never be a better gift than that. 

Baby steps. I'm doing it.

 

 

Love,

Jess 

Priceless moment #123495837 - Age 7

Apparently 7 year olds are very grown up. Priceless....

ME: "Bella are we gonna do anything today or do you want to stay home?"

BELLA: "Well I'M going to be staying home, but I don't know about YOU."

ME: (look over to wear she is in my bedroom) "Bella, what happened to your clothes?"

BELLA: "What? I like being naked." 

I'm in so much trouble.

Love,
Jess

Oh the irony...

Oh the irony.  This post was written by me in 2010 when I was going through the break up of my family and  a separation and divorce from Anabella's Daddy.  I never published it on my blog for some reason.  When I found it in my Drafts  today, I couldn't help but notice how fitting the majority of it was for the last couple months of our life and the loss of my best friend & beautiful sister Robin Ida Ashley.

"When I had nothing more to lose, I was given everything. 

When I ceased to be someone who I am, I found myself. 

When I was humilated and yet I kept on walking, 

I realised I was free to choose my own Destiny" 
- Paulo Coelho

 

In case it's not evident...I love quotes. I think life is nothing but a million quotes combined and it's up to each of us, as individuals, to decide what we do with them, how WE incorporate them into our own lives, and which words we choose to trust and have faith in.  
 

To me, quotes are priceless little nuggets of golden wisdom from people who have lived my life and plus a million more, walked in my shoes and a billion steps more, and suffered enough pain and happiness to be able to recognize THAT in themselves and be able to pass it on to the rest of us who are still in "it". 
 

You can not truly appreciate the happy and good times, if you've never had to overcome the difficult and sad.  You can not ever grow into the person you are truly meant to be, if everything is handed to you easily.  You can't learn and grow as a human being, without being challenged on every level.  
 

This past month has been one of the toughest months of my life, and for those of you who know me inside and out...THAT is saying a lot.  But SHAW-KING-LY I am still standing, still breathing, still smiling, still loving and still laughing at something every single day. Through all the pain and challenge,  I have GAINED some amazing strength, courage, self knowledge, personal insight, love, and friendships that I didn't even know were missing in my life.
 

To my secret angels, I owe a million and one thank you's....

To the instigators of my pain, I owe a million and one thank you's....

To the people who make me smile through it all, I owe a million and one thank you's...

To the person listening to my ramblings and prayers, I owe you a million and one thank you's...
 

To the love of my life, the instigator of my self truth, the creator of my self love, and the believer of my nakedness, Ms. Anabella April Gracie,  I owe you a million and one thank you's. 

I wanted you before I conceived you.
I loved you before I felt you.
I knew you before I saw you.
I will spend every second of every minute-of every hour-of every day-of every week-of every month-of every year, giving back to you ALL that you have effortlessly given me and MORE.

I am so blessed in so many ways.

Love,
Jess

 

Goodnight Auntie Robbie, I really wish you didn't have to go to heaven ...

Grief is not for the weak.

It's like your worst nightmare, your worst period, your most hangry moment, your longest hangover and your most tired night as a new Mama all rolled up into one...and it feels like it will NEVER end.

7:00pm: "Bella, bath time."
7:30pm: "Bella, jammie time."
7:35pm: "Bella, time to brush your teeth."
8:00pm: "Bellaboo time for bed." 

Bella: "Ok Mama."
Bella: "Let's snuggle Mama." (fyi...at 7, snuggle can mean snuggle or can also be code for "lets talk and drag out bed time as looong as humany possible")
8:30pm:  "Ok Bellaboo, Sweet dreams. I love you sooooo much."
Bella: "Mama, I love you sooo much plus infinity plus google plus one hundred million thousand billion.
Me: "I love you all that and more. I love you the most."
Bella: "Mama, I love you all the way up to Auntie Robbie."
Me: "Ooooooh, you win...and I love you that much too."
8:40: Bella: "Goodnight Auntie Robbie, I really really wish you didn't have to go to heaven."
8:41: Me: "Goodnight Auntie Robbie, we love you so much."

12:00am: Wide awake.
1:11am:  I refuse to see it again. I refuse to see it again. I refuse to see it again.
2:22am:  Ugh.
3:00am:  Oh sweet lord, I actually fell asleep...Crap, I forgot to set Bella's alarm for school.
4:00am:  Really Robbie? Is this really happening? Why 4am?

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Snooze.
Beep. Beep.Beep. Beep.
Snooze.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Slam.
Shit.

Eyes open. Oh god. It's already another day? What day is it? CRAP. It's Tuesday. I'm just gonna close my eyes for a minute. I'm so tired.
SHIT!
Get out of bed.
Get Bella up...NOW.
SMILE.
Sing to her. Start her day off happy even when you feel like crying.
YOU ARE SUPER MAMA.
Make her lunch.
Sign the school notice.
Shit you forgot to get her school bag from her dads.
Sign her School Planner.
Get her teeth brushed.
Wash her face.
Pick out fight with her about her outfit for today.
Make her breakfast bagel.
Fill her water bottle with ice.
Don't forget her cough drops.
Make the bed. (Ok, let's face it that bed isn't getting made any time soon.)
Boots. Get your boots on! We're laaaaaate Anabella!
Coat. Do you have your coat?
Buckle up. Are you buckled up?
Drive. Pay attention. Stay focused. Two scrape ups on your brand new truck already and counting. You can do this. Keep your mind focused. You can do this.
You HAVE to drive your child to school. You can't get lost in the "fog".
Turn the radio on. (Mama, this is Auntie Robbies song! Can you turn it up louder please?)
Try not to cry. Try not to cry. Try not to cry. 
Drop her off at school.
Check in with her teacher about how Bella's actually coping and talking when we aren't around.

Bella: "Mama, I don't want to go to school. I want to be with you."
Me: "Bella, you're fine. You looove school. You love your friends. You're going to have fun."
Bella: "I don't feel well. Take me with you."
Me: "What's wrong?"
Bella: "I don't know, just take me with you."

Now lovingly Pry her overly clingy, overly scared (another sign of grief) hands and body off me and leave her safely with her teacher.
Get back in  your truck. 
Turn on the radio. (Shit, another one of Auntie Robbie's songs)
Tears. Tears. Tears.
Sing. Sing to Robbie. Sing loud and proud. Sing like SHE would.
What would Robbie do?
Who cares if you look like the crazy lady at the stop light. Sing that shit.

And so begins my Morning truck conversation with Robbie:
Robbie, I love you sooooo much.
Can you hear me Robbie? Are you there?
I hope you can hear me Robbie.
I miss you sooooo much.
Life is NOT the same withouth you here.
I'm so sorry you had to go through all you did.
I'm so sorry for the pain you had to suffer and endure.
I'm so sorry it was you and not me.
I'm so sorry I couldnt be there with you more when you needed me.
I'm so sorry for that time I went upstairs to talk on the phone when we were all watching that movie. I'm so sorry I texted other people while I had the privilidge of sitting across from you. 
I'm so sorry I couldn't do more.
I'm so sorry I we didn't do more together.
I'm so sorry I moved away and missed all those years with you.
I'm so sorry I didn't rub your head and your hair every single time you asked.
I'm so sorry that I sighed and acted annoyed when I was tired.
This isn't the way it was supposed to be Robbie.
This isn't right.
Help me Robbie.
Help me do the right things.
Help me be who I'm supposed to be.
Help me find the courage to get strong and move forward the way I'm supposed to.
Give me a sign Robbie, anything.
I know you're at peace.
I know you're happy. But wait, are you though? Are you really happy?
Oh Robbie....I love you so much. This just hurts.
You can't really be gone.  This isn't happening.

No REALLY, GET-OUT-OF-BED.
One foot, just start with one foot...you can do it Jess. For god's sake, you've done this your entire life. One foot, then the other, now another, and one more.......Smile. Laugh. Talk to Anabella. Remind her of happy things to look forward to. Tell her you're great. Be the Super Mama you always have been and always will be no matter what. Why? Because that's what Super Mama's do.

This is the story of my life.  This is my reality today. Most days. But not every single minute of every single day. This is RAW & real and this is what you call being authentic and vulnerable.  This is also why my texts, emails, phone calls, and door knocks often go unanswered. This is why my appointments get forgotten and missed. This is why my child is sometimes late for gymnastics, my truck has new bumps and bruises, my face is a break out of stress and my doctor & counsellor see me weekly.  This is also why I drive down the wrong streets to get home, forget my own address when ordering a pizza and frankly  barely know who I am some days.  My head is in a fog.  My mind is lost. My heart is aching. My head is spinning.  I am not me...right now, and right along with missing my baby sister Robbie, I also miss ME.

I WILL move forward. I WILL find my strength again. I WILL make my baby sister Robbie proud and I WILL eventually grab life and run with it. I want to feel strong and I want to continue my strive to be extraordinary. It's all just a little difficult while I'm lost.

Writing is my passion but these particular writings are supposed to help with my healing.  Fingers crossed. 

Love,
Jess