Co-parenting 101 -- Tip #2 -- Check it AND fast...

CO-PARENTING TIP #2:

 

C H E C K   Y O U R  E G O  A T  T H E  D O O R... and fast! Like YESTERDAY lightning fast.  

 

When your whole life is quickly spiraling out of control and your feet have been kicked out from under you like nothing you have every experienced; all while you have one, two, three or more children of varying ages hanging off your hip, leg, or any other body part they can clasp onto, it becomes very hard to not PANIC and let your once unseen little friend "Ego" take over. No matter how kind, centered, loving, grateful or hormonally balanced you are, ALL of these thoughts will start going through your mind (and more):

 

• What the F*ck? How could he/she not know how lucky he/she is?
• OMG! This is NOT happening  to us. We are not the couple who gets Divorced.
• How am I going  to face (Insert 5 million names here) _______________?
• This can not be happening to us, we have such an amazing CRACKBOOK life!
• I know he/she's cheating! I will KILL them BOTH.
• Who the F*ck does He/She think He/She is?  I'm going to make his/her life HELL.
• I'm NOT paying Him/Her one single Penny.
  (And for the women out there who think they never have to pay an ex husband, who clearly makes more money than you, anything? I had to pay my ex-husband $100.00/month for gas money -- for the 4.5 years that I didn't have a car -- because he worked from home, 10 minutes from our daughters daycare and school, and agreed to do all daycare/school drop off and pick ups because I worked downtown and couldn't get to her in time via transit. Don't  EVER assume anything! AND I'M NOT UPSET. I'm grateful he was able to do that for her.)
• I'm going to take Him/Her for everything he/she is worth!
• If he/she thinks he/she is going to see MY baby he/she is in for a RUDE awakening!

Now here is where I can help you.  You need to know, you will think all of the above,  BUT: You DO NOT need to act upon them.  In fact this is my version of me being your very best friend and throwing my entire body in front of you to STOP you from doing it. 

What you SHOULD do is this:

Stop. Breath. Reflect. Cry. Scream. Do not worry about what other people will think. Do not worry about a year from now. Stay in TODAY.

Write yourself a letter. Talk to your sister. Get in the bath. Go play golf.
Let yourself think and feel all the REAL gut wrenching, confusing GROWN UP feelings that come along with your Ego friend for at least a good week!
 

DO NOT send a 10 page email full of accusations (without proof).

DO NOT utter threats and scream and yell in front of your children (Ever).
DO NOT record conversations with your soon to be ex without his/her consent.

DO NOT install spy software on your soon to be ex's computer. (Yes this shit happens every dam day)

And the MOST important of all, DO NOT do any of the above or  talk to other people about the situation while under the same roof as YOUR children. 

Key words here: YOUR Children. As in two of you. As in Dads AND Moms.  As in it took the two of you laying down together and conceiving them. As in NOT JUST YOURS. (As much as you wish they were just yours in that moment in time, there will be a day that comes where you are happily shipping them off to your co-parents house...I promise!)

 

Children are waaaaay to smart for their own  dam good. Even in the best of circumstances where you are the worlds greatest actor/actress (I like to credit myself here as Oscar worthy...just saying) and  you don't say one single bad word in front of them or shed even one single tear  of sadness, THEY WILL FEEL IT.  Our babies know when something is different. They feel when we are upset or hurt or angry. Even without hearing one word. And when or if  you do slip up and say the words, they will hear E V E R Y T H I N G.

Even when you think they're asleep with the white noise machine one, and they're two floors away from you, and the music is on and the washing machine is running, and the bathtub is filling up while you whisper through your phone to your sister.... oh yah, make no mistake their super powered little ears will hear every - single - little - word.

 

I could go on for  days here, but to keep to the point: Check your ego at the door. You have to remove the ego (aka all of the above thoughts) and focus on the only thing that matters at this point: Your little humans and ensuring you can keep things as normal as possible (each situation drastically varies on this). 

This means:

 

1.  Right off the bat, making sure your kids are having time with both parents. 
2. That while under the same roof as your soon to be ex and immediate co-parent you now refer to the co-parent only as "Mommy" or "Daddy". 
3. Slapping that grand ass smile onto your Super-Parent face and acknowledging "Mommy" or "Daddy" while in the same room together.
4. ENCOURAGING your child to be excited to go with "Mommy" or "Daddy" alone (even when you'd rather poke your eyeballs out with a fork or better yet your Ex's). 
5. Being selfless and putting your little human's happiness and needs well above yours and your ex's.



From the hands of  my little human.

And most importantly, this means letting your little humans continue to be LITTLE and letting the big humans worry about big human problems away from the little humans.  Believe it or not, these little eyes beaming up at you in admiration every day are looking for you to SHOW them how to handle every single thing that life throws at them. They don't know life any other way than how we, as their mentors, lead and guide them. So show them, that it's going to be okay. Show them, that even when life changes and homes change, it is still OKAY.  Show them that even if Mommy and Daddy are under separate roofs and better off friends, that you always both Love them and that it will be OKAY. 

 

Separation and Divorce isn't slowing down in numbers.  It isn't going anywhere. Be the change you want to see in this world and show your children what cooperation, strength, agility, love, selflessness and compassion look like. 

 

Please. Let your little humans enjoy being little humans. Let them stay in LOVE with both parents in a new world. Show them that change is not the end of their world. I'm living this. It works. It's worth it. SHE deserves it. YOU deserve it.

 

Love,

Jess

Disclaimer: For those of you who aren't co-parents and never plan to be a co-parent (FYI, I never planned to be a co-parent either) IGNORE these posts OR you may want to pass this onto your friends who are walking in these separated or divorced shoes. Sadly or maybe happily, in today's world we are all surrounded by co-parenting relationships.  For those of you in the midst of co-parenting or considering the huge life changing decision  of  co-parenting, by no means am I certified expert on this topic but I've certainly learned a plethora of knowledge on the topic first hand during the past 6 years of my co-parenting relationship. If even one thing we do or that I can  share can help your experience go a little smoother, then this Blog post is well worth it for me.