Co-parenting 101 -- Tip #1 -- CHOOSE a new Relationship...

I get a lot of emails, questions and comments about the co-parenting situation that Anabella’s father big daddy DC and I have established together this past 6 years since our divorce.  I get constant comments on my social media feeds about how inspirational we are, how we should teach workshops to other parents,  write a book and how more people should do it like we did.  Hell, even our judge from our two-hour mediation session complimented the both of us on our loving way of handling our co-parenting duty and responsibilities since day ONE of our separation and he looked right at us and said the words:

 “You are the poster child family for how to co-parent the right way.”  

OMG! No pressure there! (Little did the judge know that in those difficult NEW moments, both me and my ex-husband could barely stand to breath the same air as each other let alone smile at each other and share a child!)

Anyone who thinks you can divorce another human “happily” is quite frankly freaking delusional in my eyes.  It doesn’t matter whether both parties “want” the divorce. It doesn’t matter if it was a long time coming or a complete shock.  It doesn’t matter if you were best friends for 100 years prior to your marriage or you got married on your first date.

You CANNOT end a marriage, a family, a union, a life together without feeling a big LOSS…
loss of a friend…
loss of a lover….
loss of a family…
loss of your partner’s family…
loss of a home...
EVEN loss of shared “couple friends”...(don't worry, you realize quickly how much those friends didn't really know you or matter in your life)

And trust me, all of those things WILL happen regardless of what you may think.  There is always something that is lost. Unless you are heartless, and in that case you will feel ZERO loss. Remember having a brand-new baby for the first time and the roller coaster of emotions you had….the highs..the lows...the exhaustion.....the loss of your brain.....it’s like that….but with a shit ton more ANGER and minus the awesome new squishy prize of a tiny baby.  No matter who gets divorced, it is never easy and there is never a right time.  Especially when squishy little humans are involved. Althooooooooough in my personal experience, I’d highly recommend the age of 2.5 years old as an ideal time!

THAT is my story, OUR story, and this is my first blog in a series of blogs to come on on how we did it, DO it and will continue to co-parent out of pure love and adoration for the little, not so little anymore 9 year old  human we both had a hand in creating and bringing into this crazy world.  God chose the both of us to be her parents for a reason…and every day I learn another reason why.

CO-PARENTING TIP #1:  Raising a healthy, happy, balanced, secure and loving little human with another big human (who, let’s be super REAL here, you probably can’t stand for a looooong period of time) in two different homes, with two different bedrooms and two family Christmas’s for the rest of your god given life requires commitment, unconditional love and sacrifice on both of the big human’s parts (that’s you, YOU ARE THE BIG HUMAN).   It is a CHOICE to choose a lifetime of hurt, anger, hate and frustrating moments OR to choose happy.

Ok. Are you ready for the big kicker?  This duty and, frankly, privilege of being a little human’s parent and leading them through life by EXAMPLE requires YOU and your EX to CHOOSE a NEW RELATIONSHIP.  Yes. A  NEW relationship with the person you just ended a relationship with. Co-parenting is not a "situation" that will go away. Co-parenting is choosing a joint venture that requires you to create, build and learn a brand new relationship with someone you "Don't really like" in that moment in time,  based solely on the LOVE of your children. Don't cry. Crazy concept, right?

Selfless Love. Putting your children first. Sacrificing being a right fighter. Realizing that happiness for your kids is more important than fighting over pennies and for god's sake, pull  up your big girl or big boy pants and at bare minimum show some RESPECT to the person who helped create the thing or things you love most in this world.  It means loving your children more than you dislike your ex.  It means realizing the enormity of the job you are privileged to have and showing your children, from a very young age, how to properly handle all that life throws at them.  It means leading  by example and teaching our little humans with our actions and not just our words, showing them that even when life changes and things don't end up how you planned or expected them to, there is ALWAYS room for  love and connection. There is always room for choice. There is always room for Happiness.  CHOOSE HAPPY.

So come on all my fellow BIG HUMANS....pull up your big girl and  big boy pants and lets raise a planet of strong,  loving, stable, happy and loved little humans who will in turn raise another generation of strong, loving, stable, happy and loved little humans. 

WELCOME TO YOUR NEW WORLD OF CREATING AND CHOOSING A HAPPY CO-PARENTING RELATIONSHIP!

FYI, As I type this blog today, my co-parent/ex-husband is upstairs at MY house, delivering flu relief to Anabella and snuggling her.  Just one of the many perks of happily co-parenting our child together.  In fact, his common law partner, may now actually love me for getting him out of their house and giving her some much needed alone time ! Ha. (Bin there, done that!!!!)

Love,
Jess

Disclaimer:  Now let’s be extra clear here, I’m not referring to families coming out of abusive, toxic or severely unhealthy situations where extreme measures need to be taken to protect children.  I’m talking about the “average” non-abusive couple who has kids, who has a family together that they love, but has a relationship with one another that is NOT working and results in a divorce.