30 - NINE and fOuR days...aka...59 days...

As many of you know, despite my best efforts & prayers, I've deeply struggled with the loss of my beautiful sister to the ruthless killer known as cancer on December 6, 2014.  It's been 59 days since she left us, and although it should be getting easier...frankly it's not.  I've plastered on a smile and gotten through our first Christmas without her, then our first New Years, and then my little girl's 7th birthday.  But I dreaded what was coming next MY 39th birthday; my first birthday without Robbie. 

This is 39

January 30th was my dreaded day.  Everyone who knows me, knows that I LOVE all things birthday. Balloons, cake, gifts, decorations, surprises, family dinners, celebrations....bring it on....but not this year.  The eve of my birthday, I pretty much lost it. 

I didn't want to turn an age that my sister didn't know me. I didn't want to be an age that I would never have memories with my sister. I didn't want to be 39 when she didn't even get 28. I didn't want it. I wanted the world to stop. Just stop. 

I cried and cried  and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I talked to my older sister. My heart ached like it's never ached and I felt like my head was screaming and screaming.  I got ready for bed early and snuggled my beautiful little girl. And in my head I pleaded to my beautiful sister to please come to me, please just let me see her one more time, let me smell her, let me feel her and I told her how much I miss her.  E-V-E-R-Y little thing about her.

Miracle of miracles I SLEPT! (I mean I actually really slept soundly through an entire night!)

My purpose.

I opened my eyes the first day of 39, with my sweet little girl still snuggled up to me with one of Auntie Robbie's tshirts.  I was smiling. Then it hit me....OH MY GOD, I HAD MY FIRST DREAM ABOUT ROBBIE since she left us, Happy Birthday to ME!  My memory is about as good as a gold fish's on a good day (3 seconds people, goldfishes forget everything every 3 seconds), but grief has taken me to a whole new level of forgetfulness. Think "Mommy Brain  x 1000"!  I knew if I remembered the dream in that moment I had to get it written down or I'd forget it forever! Thank god for technology, I grabbed my phone and texted my sister & Mama the dream.  Birthday prayers and wishes do come true!!!!

The dream was a little confusing  but a few things stood out to me and Robbie left me with two messages:

• The fact that Robbie came at my sister Tracy & Don's second marriage carries huge personal significance to me and I'm sure to them.
• In my dream Robbie was her healthy self at her healthy weight with her thick beautiful long hair and big smile and she was driving her car and shopping with me...and her voice...was exactly how I remembered it. Exactly.
• In my dream I spent the majority of it losing things and constantly trying to find them (just like I do every single night, except my nightly dream is the same repetitive dream of losing my one specific wallet over and over and over again).  I googled what this means and in short, it's typically means feeling out of control, recovering from trauma, in search of your identity.

Blurb from my google dream search:

"Someone that has been very precious to you is no longer in your life. Perhaps it was taken away prematurely, and seems irretrievable. It feels to you as though part of your identity and worth is gone because of it. Your dream is given to help you process your feelings of shock and loss."       

Beautiful Robbie we MISS YOU!!!

I asked Robbie two questions in my dream & strongly feel that her answers were messages for all of the people missing her.

The first question was: "Omg Robbie, what did everyone say when they saw you at the wedding? Was it hard to see everyone again?" 

Robbie's response: She got choked up and found it difficult to get the words out, but she said "No, it wasn't.  What WAS hard was to lay in the bed and see & hear everyone so sad and in so much pain."

The second question was:  Did you go to the wedding and the reception? (In my dream I had forgotten everything from the wedding and reception)

Robbie's response:  "No it was to hard, it's to loud/hard for everyone to hear me."

Thank you Kendra!

This dream...these messages....made me feel so blessed and gave me some peace on my birthday.  I was blessed with an extraordinary gift from a long lost close friend (Thank you Nicole Q).  I was lucky enough to spend my morning with a woman whom I both admire and respect and am also fortunate to consider a close friend.  We talked and we cried, we laughed, we drank a Bellini, we took one more baby step forward together (Thank you Kendra V). I got to spend the afternoon at Mint Hair Lounge getting treated like a queen ( Thank you Lisa S), while getting a looooong overdue pick me up. I got to spend the evening with my little girl and another good friend watching the new Paddington Bear movie...and laughing. (Thank you Jeanette J). 

I survived my first birthday without my sister. I didn't know how I would do it, but I did with allot of love, support and encouragement via text, email, phone,  and in person.  With the gift of my sister coming to me in my dream, and the gift of the following wise words in a text from my older sister:

"Jess, my heart aches too. We will never forget, love never fades. But as we age every day, we are one day closer to our journey back to Robbie.  It will never go away. We were blessed, so many people never experience a Robbie in their lives. She's around us everywhere.  She wanted life, so we have to live it for her.  It's hard, I'm sad, I cry, I'm confused but I know how much she'd want me to stay moving forward. She'd want us to live FOR HER.  I love you. We will get through this. xo"

So this is 39. Thanks Robbie...for giving me the strength and courage I prayed for.  Thanks for giving me one more smile, one more smell, one more laugh, one more drive in your car, one more shopping trip, one more candy, and one more sound of your voice. There will never be a better gift than that. 

Baby steps. I'm doing it.

 

 

Love,

Jess