7 months and 24 days...day 1

It has been 7 months and 24 days since I last sat down to write type.  Do you realize that's 237 days (but who's counting) that I've been...living?!  So much has happened, yet so much has stayed the same which makes it so difficult for me to even figure out where to begin again with my writing.  I don't even know what I'm going to write about, but I know I want need to write again. I'm determined to get back to writing this blog...for me...for Anabella....for you?  So...bare with me if I ramble.  I'm a work in progress and I'll find my groove again.

I feel like the last two years has been a whirlwind of emotional highs and lows and a lifetime's worth of lessons.  Since we lost Robbie so tragically and suddenly, it's been a chaotic cycle of ups and downs and all arounds. I can honestly say I feel like I'm an expert level grief survivor at this point, and in some ways the grief of losing Robbie has been a gift to me.  Yes, I just said THAT.

Of course, I'd give anything to have my beautiful little sister and Super Auntie back in our lives, even for one more day....but this isn't a fairytale and I don't get my three wishes.  What this is....is real freakin' life. A life that I sadly took for granted, just like most of us do, until one day I woke up and didn't have my little sister to talk to any more. Thus began the first day of the rest of my life...my "life after Robbie".

My two sister's and I always had a unique relationship.  Every time I went home to visit, we'd all be together. Not vacationing somewhere exotic or jumping out of airplanes knocking off items from our bucket list, but really just being together....with our babies and each other.  Lounging in our jammie's, grocery shopping ALL together, laying in the sun, being bored, cooking dinner's, watching movies....just being...with each other. Sometimes we'd share our time with a select few close friends that became family over the years...but mostly it would just be the three of us and our kids.

Not being all together wasn't an option.
Fighting longer than a day wasn't an option.

At the beginning, we didn't realize not all sister's were like us. Then somewhere along the way we became more aware that we were a little different than those around us. We just chalked it up to our massive age differences (5 years between me and my older sis and 11 years between me and my younger sis and 16 years between them!!!).  And now a year and a half since Robbie's passing, it's crossed my mind more than once that maybe, just maybe, the reason we had all that "boring" sister time together is because somewhere deep down in a place unknown (and frankly not wanting to be known) we all felt that we had a short time together as THREE.

Well, now here we are 1.5 years after losing Robin. My older sister and I have struggled alone and struggled together.  Tracy and I love each other, but we have both lost a sister who we each had a unique and special emotional bond with.  We each lost the Super Auntie to our beautiful kids; our favorite babysitter. We each lost our favorite confidant; our secret keeper. We each lost our reason maker; our peace keeper.  We each lost our best friend and we were  left behind in our heartbroken numbness and anger to pick up the pieces for ourselves and our children.  To somehow honor our sister and  to live the way Robin would if she had been given the same GIFT. We've been pushed over the edge of all things right and forced to re-build a new relationship with each other and a new life....our life after Robbie.  A  life where we look like two, but we are always three.

So many people stay stuck. Stay lost in the Why's and the insanity of trying to make reason out of the unreasonable.  Death is senseless. A healthy 27 year old woman getting diagnosed with cancer and dying 7 months later is unreasonable.  It's not right. It's not fare. There will never be a justification that will bring peace or comfort to anyone.  We were both in it. We cried every day. We yelled at God.  We questioned God. Is there a God? Fuck you "God".  We couldn't comprehend a life without a little sister.  We didn't want to be two sisters.  It wasn't a world we wanted to be a part of. There can't just be two of us.  We were made to be three sisters.  It wasn't something we could grasp. We tortured ourselves for months and months and months.

Everything was hard. Every day was painful. Every day was sad. Waking up every morning hurt. Laying my head on my pillow to sleep hurt.  Breathing hurt. It hurt....a lot...and each day was a new day...and it still hurt and I was still angry and I was still mad at the world.  And then one day I woke up....and realized that my beautiful, kind little sister who was so full of life and who deserved to live didn't get to and here I am, living in misery with no sense of gratitude or love because I had lost a giant piece of my heart?  How is that okay?  That was the day my life started to change....I decided that if Robbie didn't get to live then god dammit, I was going to live for her...with her. I was going to appreciate everything I am blessed with every single day and I was going to share my love and gratitude with my daughter...and the world and with Robbie.

And now.....I accept it.

I accept that my beautiful, peaceful baby sister has moved on in her journey in this world to a better place.

I accept that she is at peace and she is pain-free and happy.  

I accept that there is a heaven and there is a god....but my heaven and my god might be very different than yours, and that's okay.

I accept that I was lucky to have a little sis in my life for 27 years.  

I accept that loss sucks, grief is painful and a broken heart actually physically hurts like hell.

I accept that Robbie may not be here with us in body, but her presence is with me every single minute of every single day.

I accept that losing Robbie gifted me with the ability to value my own life and every day I get to be here to share it with my little girl.

I accept that losing Robin doesn't mean she's gone.   In fact she is with me more than ever...it's just different. (If you've lost someone special, then you understand this).

I accept that I don't have control over every little thing in life, and that what I do have control over is my own heart and my own mind and who I choose to show up as in this world.

I accept that I have control over teaching my daughter the value of life and sharing and creating memories with people we love.

I accept that I have the privilege and gift of teaching Anabella's beautiful soul that it's okay to smile and live after you lose someone so important to you.  I get to lead by example into a new world of gratitude and joy; and still include Auntie Robbie in our daily conversations and lives.

I accept that death happens. It happens to all of us and we don't get to pick our time.  Robin has gifted me with no  longer having a fear of death; because I know that THAT will be the day I get to hug my baby sister in heaven and I know that I've taught my little girl how to truly grab onto life and memories and live after loss.

I get to be free....and I get to lead by example.

I am alive. I am grateful. I am full of love. I am blessed with beautiful memories and we will make a million more. I am Anabellas mama.

To all of those who have stood by us....thank you.

Love,
Jess

The day before tomorrow...reality shatters + deepened world

One year ago today was the day before my life changed forever.

Just another day...another year...another Thursday before a weekend of pigging out on our fave family meal together.

The Thursday before Thanksgiving long weekend.

I was effortlessly happy and simply excited to spend the next three days with my fam.....I couldn't wait to see my sisters! I always loved being on the island in the fall; rainy-cold-dark early-movies-appies-snuggles and stuck under one roof with my sisters and our kids. Thanksgivings always sucked when one of us lived far away, but this year was another year we all lived in BC again and we would all be together. It was also going to be our first Thanksgiving two of Robbie's best friends aka our cousins Emily & Julie and their partners. YAY!

I was so naively thankful that day. My baby sister had recently been given the all clear from her cervical cancer fight. "Fuck you cancer! You messed with the wrong three sisters", we said. I knew she would beat it! I just knew we weren't going to be that family. I was newly, crazily, blindly and gratefully in love with a man that made my heart smile (without saying a word) and who I just knew was the guy I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life without. My jaded heart was happy, I was kid-free for one night and my biggest concern was counting down the seconds until I could go out to dinner with my boyfriend.

It was a good day. It was a great day. It was the day before tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I innocently answered my ringing phone only to hear my heart broken Mom sobbing on the other end of the line. Tomorrow, I would find out my extraordinary sister, despite beating cervical cancer, now had Metastasized liver and lung cancer and that there was zero chance of her survival. Tomorrow, was the day I became the most helpless and present that I would ever be. Tomorrow, was the beginning of the most sad, challenging, inspiring and heartfelt year of my life. Tomorrow, was the day my reality shattered and my world deepened. Tomorrow, we had to choose to live every day smiling with Robbie, knowing that each day could be her last. Tomorrow was the day I learned what a true hero is.

Tomorrow...late tomorrow night,  I would tip-toe into my sister's dark bedroom...crawl into her bed...and wrap myself around her beautiful, breathing, living body in silence (While silently raging, screaming and crying on the inside...NOOOOOOOOOOO, NOT HER. DON'T TAKE MY SISTER. SHE'S OURS. SHE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS. SHE DID EVERYTHING RIGHT!FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU CANCER!)

Silence.

No other words or movement, we would lay glued together, feeling each other breath in our unimaginable sister snuggle of pain...and then simply whisper, "I love you"...."I love you too" in the darkness.

Tomorrow sucked....tomorrow changed everything.

One year. Today is hard.

Love,
Jess

 

Cliffs + Wings = Freedom

 

So it's been a while since my last post. It's been 10 months of shifts and adjustments and living and breathing in our new normal since losing my sister & Bella's Auntie. 

Being vulnerable and owning your shit isn't fun and it definitely isn't easy, but I believe it's worth it.  A wise man once said: "First you jump off the cliff and you build wings on the way down."  (Thank you Ray Bradbury) 

This is me on a cliff and god dammit I'm getting earning those damn wings.

People keep asking me why I've quit drinking and here's my humble, solid, confident, "scream it from the rooftops until I can't scream it anymore" answer:

I quit drinking, NOT because I drink "to often" or "to much", but because my body and my mind has a very apparent and totally obvious (to anyone who isn't drunk) allergy to alcohol. Consuming alcohol hits me harder than most, not as hard as others, and frankly to hard for my own dam good. It doesn't matter if it's two glasses of wine on a date, two bottles of wine amongst girlfriends or a table full of shots to celebrate one of a million things worth celebrating in this glorious life, I will inevitably have the same end result. 

A much anticipated, long planned "Mama's night out" will 9 times out of 10 result in this (responsible, healthy, smart, kind, motivated, loving) SUPER-mama becoming sick as a dog, throwing up throughout the evening and waking up to a black hole of nothingness for a memory. Follow up that super-awesome experience with losing an entire day, and in some cases even two, of my life to more nausea, sickness, body aches, headaches, emotional lows, regrets, anger and ultimately daaaaaaaaaays of recovering and healing to simply just get my mind and my body back to the "normal" state it was before I made the choice to have a drink.

WHO does that? Over and over and over again?  What healthy, responsible "normal" human being would make that choice for themselves, right?  Why? And for what?  Me.  I did that. Smart, responsible me made those choices and despite regretting them every-single-time I continued to make the same dumb choice.  This isn't new to me. This isn't an epiphany and it's not something I have newly stumbled upon or developed an intolerance to over time. This isn't me jumping on a band wagon or looking for an excuse.  This is my very own vulnerable reality and experience and something that has happened over and over and over again since the very first time I decided to be a "cool" small town island girl and try alcohol for the first time in my teens. (Drink it with a straw and you'll get drunk faster they said....and I did.)

Let me be clear here, this isn't something my 7.5 year old daughter has EVER seen. In fact, she'd be hard pressed to point out a time she's even seen alcohol in our home let alone in my hand if you ever asked her. I'm not the weeknight drinker. I'm not the woman having a glass of wine at the end of a stressful work day. I'm not the person having a glass of wine with my meals. I'm not the woman craving the weekend to escape my child and have my next drink. I'm the complete opposite. I'm the responsible, healthy single Mama with a successful full time career, a strong family, great friends, passions, interests, a dating life with a commitment to being healthy, happy and well AND who has lived her life in denial of her allergy to alcohol and continuously caused unnecessary damage to myself and my body as a result.

Declaring "I'm never drinking alcohol again" is NOT a new thing for me and I'm pretty sure there's a slew of facebook posts to prove it, but what IS new is my personal reasons & clarity, my commitment to myself as well as to  those rallied around me in support, and my recognition of the following life altering experience:
  
It's no secret to those who know me that my beauty of a 27 year old sister, Robbie, was diagnosed with stage 2 cervical cancer in May 2014.  She had fought and survived, only to be re-diagnosed a few months later with terminal liver and lung cancer.  She was a brave, beautiful warrior throughout her entire 7 month battle and was swiftly released from the horrific pain of the disease and earned her angel wings in December 2014. 

What does Robbie's battle have to do with me making the decision to quit drinking? Besides the fact that humbly watching someone you love battle a horrific, painful, body deteriorating disease changes you? Ummm, EVERYTHING.  The reality is that it was Robbie's LIVER that caused her extreme agony and suffering and it was her cancer riddled beaten down liver that eventually impacted all her other organs, shut down her body and took her from us.

Before the cancer, Robbie was a happy and healthy 27 year old with her entire life in front of her. She ate right. She rarely drank. She didn't smoke. She didn't do drugs. She loved to cook.  She was mature for her age and wise beyond her years.  She was an amazing Auntie and she couldn't wait to get married and be a Mom one day.  She didn't get to, but I did. I AM SO BLESSED and I am also blessed with the gift of a perfectly HEALTHY LIVER.  How can I, in good conscience, purposely continue to poison my liver, the organ that essentially took my sister away? I can't. I simply no longer can and still feel good about who I am. 

She would have been my biggest cheerleader on this decision. In fact, despite being 11 years younger than me even Robbie was one of the selfless good people who took care of me countless times during and after a night of drinks. I'll never regret that time spent with her, but boy I wish I could remember those nights with my sister now that she's gone.

So pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease understand. Please still include me in all the fun we've ever had.  When I can, I'll still be there and I'll be smiling just like always!  I'll have a fancy non-alcoholic drink in my hand and I'll be cheersing my sister Robbie in heaven while proudly honoring both her and my body. Even better? I'll be waking up feeling good and REMEMBERING it all and I'll finally be able to live authentically and be the example I want to set for my beautiful little girl.

My choice is for me.  It's not in any way as a judgement towards anyone who chooses to drink. Drink away! I will respect and support your choice just like I hope you can respect and support mine. 

Love,
Jess

How many calories in a tooth...I wonder?

So Blondie McBlonderson has had four wiggly teeth for MONTHS.  She can barely eat and despite being in love with the the tooth fairy and counting down the years until she can get braces (she thinks getting braces is the coolest thing ever for some reason....who's kid is she again?),  she will not wiggle them or attempt to pull them out.  At Christmas I was so ready for the one tooth to come out, I told her that if her tooth came out the week of Christmas the tooth fairy leaves $20.00.  Usually money bribery will get this mama anything I want, but nope not this time.

 

The other day she was playing at a friends house on a first play date and somehow got hit in the mouth...bam...pow...3rd baby tooth of her lifetime popped out. SUCCESS!   Which brings me to the priceless moment part of this blog post..... 

 

The following day, Anabella and I were in the process of making popcorn and drinks to settle in for movie date together.  Anabella was excitedly chatting away and drawing when I asked her if she wanted a drink.  She walked over, grabbed a water bottle took a few chugs and walked away.  A couple minutes later she turned to me to say something and something was VERY different.....in that moment a look of shock crossed my face and at the same time a look of shock crossed hers....

"Mama....mama....I think.....my tooth....my tooth.....MOM.....MY TOOTH.  My tooth is gone!!! Where's my front tooth?"

 

Frantically she started running around looking for her top front tooth and to our horror it was nowhere to be found. 

 

"I SWALLOWED MY TOOTH! I SWALLOWED MY TOOTH! I can feel it in there!!!!"

 

I could not even contain myself....that little girl made me laugh harder than I've laughed in ages.  She looked in the mirror, and smiled so huge at the hole in her smile.  "I look so cool Mom." 

 

My little toothless wonder...

 

I can't believe she swallowed the damn tooth...the BIG one we've been waiting for, for MONTHS.  Her first "big" baby tooth to fall out and it's gone. Bam. Pow. Just like that. So, ow I'm left with this ever growing toothless adorable 7 year old blond child who has recently taken a liking to calling me "Jessica" instead of "Mama" and decided she wishes we were sisters, but that's an entirely different priceless moment post.

Dear Tooth Fairy...

God bless this beautiful girl and that toothless smile. Take a peak at her note to the tooth fairy and the tooth fairy's note back.  Her father and I don't see eye to eye on some things "magical" and have had one to many discussions about the tooth fairy's choices on financial compensation.  He's a stern $2.00 a tooth kinda man and I'm a flexible "thinks if you swallow a gigantic tooth you deserve some extra compensation" kinda mama.  Oh ya, now I remember reason #765473 we got divorced when she was 2. 

The tooth fairy also left a photo of herself and a second of her best friend on Anabella's iPad as per Anabella's request in the letter.  Who knew the tooth fairy would be so hot?

End of the day...my child believes in the tooth fairy, the love fairy, the easter bunny, the elf on the shelf, Santa Clause and all things magical. I'll keep the magic alive as long as humanly possible or die trying. You only have one time to get it right people....let your kids be kids. Let the magic be real. Let them BELIEVE.

Dear Anabella...



And a second tooth fairy note just in case the first one wasn't enough ;-)

30 - NINE and fOuR days...aka...59 days...

As many of you know, despite my best efforts & prayers, I've deeply struggled with the loss of my beautiful sister to the ruthless killer known as cancer on December 6, 2014.  It's been 59 days since she left us, and although it should be getting easier...frankly it's not.  I've plastered on a smile and gotten through our first Christmas without her, then our first New Years, and then my little girl's 7th birthday.  But I dreaded what was coming next MY 39th birthday; my first birthday without Robbie. 

This is 39

January 30th was my dreaded day.  Everyone who knows me, knows that I LOVE all things birthday. Balloons, cake, gifts, decorations, surprises, family dinners, celebrations....bring it on....but not this year.  The eve of my birthday, I pretty much lost it. 

I didn't want to turn an age that my sister didn't know me. I didn't want to be an age that I would never have memories with my sister. I didn't want to be 39 when she didn't even get 28. I didn't want it. I wanted the world to stop. Just stop. 

I cried and cried  and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I talked to my older sister. My heart ached like it's never ached and I felt like my head was screaming and screaming.  I got ready for bed early and snuggled my beautiful little girl. And in my head I pleaded to my beautiful sister to please come to me, please just let me see her one more time, let me smell her, let me feel her and I told her how much I miss her.  E-V-E-R-Y little thing about her.

Miracle of miracles I SLEPT! (I mean I actually really slept soundly through an entire night!)

My purpose.

I opened my eyes the first day of 39, with my sweet little girl still snuggled up to me with one of Auntie Robbie's tshirts.  I was smiling. Then it hit me....OH MY GOD, I HAD MY FIRST DREAM ABOUT ROBBIE since she left us, Happy Birthday to ME!  My memory is about as good as a gold fish's on a good day (3 seconds people, goldfishes forget everything every 3 seconds), but grief has taken me to a whole new level of forgetfulness. Think "Mommy Brain  x 1000"!  I knew if I remembered the dream in that moment I had to get it written down or I'd forget it forever! Thank god for technology, I grabbed my phone and texted my sister & Mama the dream.  Birthday prayers and wishes do come true!!!!

The dream was a little confusing  but a few things stood out to me and Robbie left me with two messages:

• The fact that Robbie came at my sister Tracy & Don's second marriage carries huge personal significance to me and I'm sure to them.
• In my dream Robbie was her healthy self at her healthy weight with her thick beautiful long hair and big smile and she was driving her car and shopping with me...and her voice...was exactly how I remembered it. Exactly.
• In my dream I spent the majority of it losing things and constantly trying to find them (just like I do every single night, except my nightly dream is the same repetitive dream of losing my one specific wallet over and over and over again).  I googled what this means and in short, it's typically means feeling out of control, recovering from trauma, in search of your identity.

Blurb from my google dream search:

"Someone that has been very precious to you is no longer in your life. Perhaps it was taken away prematurely, and seems irretrievable. It feels to you as though part of your identity and worth is gone because of it. Your dream is given to help you process your feelings of shock and loss."       

Beautiful Robbie we MISS YOU!!!

I asked Robbie two questions in my dream & strongly feel that her answers were messages for all of the people missing her.

The first question was: "Omg Robbie, what did everyone say when they saw you at the wedding? Was it hard to see everyone again?" 

Robbie's response: She got choked up and found it difficult to get the words out, but she said "No, it wasn't.  What WAS hard was to lay in the bed and see & hear everyone so sad and in so much pain."

The second question was:  Did you go to the wedding and the reception? (In my dream I had forgotten everything from the wedding and reception)

Robbie's response:  "No it was to hard, it's to loud/hard for everyone to hear me."

Thank you Kendra!

This dream...these messages....made me feel so blessed and gave me some peace on my birthday.  I was blessed with an extraordinary gift from a long lost close friend (Thank you Nicole Q).  I was lucky enough to spend my morning with a woman whom I both admire and respect and am also fortunate to consider a close friend.  We talked and we cried, we laughed, we drank a Bellini, we took one more baby step forward together (Thank you Kendra V). I got to spend the afternoon at Mint Hair Lounge getting treated like a queen ( Thank you Lisa S), while getting a looooong overdue pick me up. I got to spend the evening with my little girl and another good friend watching the new Paddington Bear movie...and laughing. (Thank you Jeanette J). 

I survived my first birthday without my sister. I didn't know how I would do it, but I did with allot of love, support and encouragement via text, email, phone,  and in person.  With the gift of my sister coming to me in my dream, and the gift of the following wise words in a text from my older sister:

"Jess, my heart aches too. We will never forget, love never fades. But as we age every day, we are one day closer to our journey back to Robbie.  It will never go away. We were blessed, so many people never experience a Robbie in their lives. She's around us everywhere.  She wanted life, so we have to live it for her.  It's hard, I'm sad, I cry, I'm confused but I know how much she'd want me to stay moving forward. She'd want us to live FOR HER.  I love you. We will get through this. xo"

So this is 39. Thanks Robbie...for giving me the strength and courage I prayed for.  Thanks for giving me one more smile, one more smell, one more laugh, one more drive in your car, one more shopping trip, one more candy, and one more sound of your voice. There will never be a better gift than that. 

Baby steps. I'm doing it.

 

 

Love,

Jess 

Priceless moment #123495837 - Age 7

Apparently 7 year olds are very grown up. Priceless....

ME: "Bella are we gonna do anything today or do you want to stay home?"

BELLA: "Well I'M going to be staying home, but I don't know about YOU."

ME: (look over to wear she is in my bedroom) "Bella, what happened to your clothes?"

BELLA: "What? I like being naked." 

I'm in so much trouble.

Love,
Jess

Oh the irony...

Oh the irony.  This post was written by me in 2010 when I was going through the break up of my family and  a separation and divorce from Anabella's Daddy.  I never published it on my blog for some reason.  When I found it in my Drafts  today, I couldn't help but notice how fitting the majority of it was for the last couple months of our life and the loss of my best friend & beautiful sister Robin Ida Ashley.

"When I had nothing more to lose, I was given everything. 

When I ceased to be someone who I am, I found myself. 

When I was humilated and yet I kept on walking, 

I realised I was free to choose my own Destiny" 
- Paulo Coelho

 

In case it's not evident...I love quotes. I think life is nothing but a million quotes combined and it's up to each of us, as individuals, to decide what we do with them, how WE incorporate them into our own lives, and which words we choose to trust and have faith in.  
 

To me, quotes are priceless little nuggets of golden wisdom from people who have lived my life and plus a million more, walked in my shoes and a billion steps more, and suffered enough pain and happiness to be able to recognize THAT in themselves and be able to pass it on to the rest of us who are still in "it". 
 

You can not truly appreciate the happy and good times, if you've never had to overcome the difficult and sad.  You can not ever grow into the person you are truly meant to be, if everything is handed to you easily.  You can't learn and grow as a human being, without being challenged on every level.  
 

This past month has been one of the toughest months of my life, and for those of you who know me inside and out...THAT is saying a lot.  But SHAW-KING-LY I am still standing, still breathing, still smiling, still loving and still laughing at something every single day. Through all the pain and challenge,  I have GAINED some amazing strength, courage, self knowledge, personal insight, love, and friendships that I didn't even know were missing in my life.
 

To my secret angels, I owe a million and one thank you's....

To the instigators of my pain, I owe a million and one thank you's....

To the people who make me smile through it all, I owe a million and one thank you's...

To the person listening to my ramblings and prayers, I owe you a million and one thank you's...
 

To the love of my life, the instigator of my self truth, the creator of my self love, and the believer of my nakedness, Ms. Anabella April Gracie,  I owe you a million and one thank you's. 

I wanted you before I conceived you.
I loved you before I felt you.
I knew you before I saw you.
I will spend every second of every minute-of every hour-of every day-of every week-of every month-of every year, giving back to you ALL that you have effortlessly given me and MORE.

I am so blessed in so many ways.

Love,
Jess

 

Goodnight Auntie Robbie, I really wish you didn't have to go to heaven ...

Grief is not for the weak.

It's like your worst nightmare, your worst period, your most hangry moment, your longest hangover and your most tired night as a new Mama all rolled up into one...and it feels like it will NEVER end.

7:00pm: "Bella, bath time."
7:30pm: "Bella, jammie time."
7:35pm: "Bella, time to brush your teeth."
8:00pm: "Bellaboo time for bed." 

Bella: "Ok Mama."
Bella: "Let's snuggle Mama." (fyi...at 7, snuggle can mean snuggle or can also be code for "lets talk and drag out bed time as looong as humany possible")
8:30pm:  "Ok Bellaboo, Sweet dreams. I love you sooooo much."
Bella: "Mama, I love you sooo much plus infinity plus google plus one hundred million thousand billion.
Me: "I love you all that and more. I love you the most."
Bella: "Mama, I love you all the way up to Auntie Robbie."
Me: "Ooooooh, you win...and I love you that much too."
8:40: Bella: "Goodnight Auntie Robbie, I really really wish you didn't have to go to heaven."
8:41: Me: "Goodnight Auntie Robbie, we love you so much."

12:00am: Wide awake.
1:11am:  I refuse to see it again. I refuse to see it again. I refuse to see it again.
2:22am:  Ugh.
3:00am:  Oh sweet lord, I actually fell asleep...Crap, I forgot to set Bella's alarm for school.
4:00am:  Really Robbie? Is this really happening? Why 4am?

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Snooze.
Beep. Beep.Beep. Beep.
Snooze.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Slam.
Shit.

Eyes open. Oh god. It's already another day? What day is it? CRAP. It's Tuesday. I'm just gonna close my eyes for a minute. I'm so tired.
SHIT!
Get out of bed.
Get Bella up...NOW.
SMILE.
Sing to her. Start her day off happy even when you feel like crying.
YOU ARE SUPER MAMA.
Make her lunch.
Sign the school notice.
Shit you forgot to get her school bag from her dads.
Sign her School Planner.
Get her teeth brushed.
Wash her face.
Pick out fight with her about her outfit for today.
Make her breakfast bagel.
Fill her water bottle with ice.
Don't forget her cough drops.
Make the bed. (Ok, let's face it that bed isn't getting made any time soon.)
Boots. Get your boots on! We're laaaaaate Anabella!
Coat. Do you have your coat?
Buckle up. Are you buckled up?
Drive. Pay attention. Stay focused. Two scrape ups on your brand new truck already and counting. You can do this. Keep your mind focused. You can do this.
You HAVE to drive your child to school. You can't get lost in the "fog".
Turn the radio on. (Mama, this is Auntie Robbies song! Can you turn it up louder please?)
Try not to cry. Try not to cry. Try not to cry. 
Drop her off at school.
Check in with her teacher about how Bella's actually coping and talking when we aren't around.

Bella: "Mama, I don't want to go to school. I want to be with you."
Me: "Bella, you're fine. You looove school. You love your friends. You're going to have fun."
Bella: "I don't feel well. Take me with you."
Me: "What's wrong?"
Bella: "I don't know, just take me with you."

Now lovingly Pry her overly clingy, overly scared (another sign of grief) hands and body off me and leave her safely with her teacher.
Get back in  your truck. 
Turn on the radio. (Shit, another one of Auntie Robbie's songs)
Tears. Tears. Tears.
Sing. Sing to Robbie. Sing loud and proud. Sing like SHE would.
What would Robbie do?
Who cares if you look like the crazy lady at the stop light. Sing that shit.

And so begins my Morning truck conversation with Robbie:
Robbie, I love you sooooo much.
Can you hear me Robbie? Are you there?
I hope you can hear me Robbie.
I miss you sooooo much.
Life is NOT the same withouth you here.
I'm so sorry you had to go through all you did.
I'm so sorry for the pain you had to suffer and endure.
I'm so sorry it was you and not me.
I'm so sorry I couldnt be there with you more when you needed me.
I'm so sorry for that time I went upstairs to talk on the phone when we were all watching that movie. I'm so sorry I texted other people while I had the privilidge of sitting across from you. 
I'm so sorry I couldn't do more.
I'm so sorry I we didn't do more together.
I'm so sorry I moved away and missed all those years with you.
I'm so sorry I didn't rub your head and your hair every single time you asked.
I'm so sorry that I sighed and acted annoyed when I was tired.
This isn't the way it was supposed to be Robbie.
This isn't right.
Help me Robbie.
Help me do the right things.
Help me be who I'm supposed to be.
Help me find the courage to get strong and move forward the way I'm supposed to.
Give me a sign Robbie, anything.
I know you're at peace.
I know you're happy. But wait, are you though? Are you really happy?
Oh Robbie....I love you so much. This just hurts.
You can't really be gone.  This isn't happening.

No REALLY, GET-OUT-OF-BED.
One foot, just start with one foot...you can do it Jess. For god's sake, you've done this your entire life. One foot, then the other, now another, and one more.......Smile. Laugh. Talk to Anabella. Remind her of happy things to look forward to. Tell her you're great. Be the Super Mama you always have been and always will be no matter what. Why? Because that's what Super Mama's do.

This is the story of my life.  This is my reality today. Most days. But not every single minute of every single day. This is RAW & real and this is what you call being authentic and vulnerable.  This is also why my texts, emails, phone calls, and door knocks often go unanswered. This is why my appointments get forgotten and missed. This is why my child is sometimes late for gymnastics, my truck has new bumps and bruises, my face is a break out of stress and my doctor & counsellor see me weekly.  This is also why I drive down the wrong streets to get home, forget my own address when ordering a pizza and frankly  barely know who I am some days.  My head is in a fog.  My mind is lost. My heart is aching. My head is spinning.  I am not me...right now, and right along with missing my baby sister Robbie, I also miss ME.

I WILL move forward. I WILL find my strength again. I WILL make my baby sister Robbie proud and I WILL eventually grab life and run with it. I want to feel strong and I want to continue my strive to be extraordinary. It's all just a little difficult while I'm lost.

Writing is my passion but these particular writings are supposed to help with my healing.  Fingers crossed. 

Love,
Jess

Help...stuck in a truck on a ferry with a 7 year old ;-p

I had such vision and purpose for our ferry trip home this morning. It's been months and months, since I could muster the motivation and attention span required to pick up a book, let alone read and absorb what it actually says.   This is all a brand new unfortunate experience (& side effect of  grief) for me.  I'm an avid reader and someone who typically has three different books on the go at any given moment.

Today, I was determined that the silence and boredom of yet another hour and a half long trip across the choppy beautiful BC waters home would force me into the new book that I've been dieing to read #GIRLBOSS.  Up until now the book  has looked really good sitting on my coffee table, and my kitchen counter, and my bedside table and even the side of my bath.  Just sitting there and waiting for me to pick it up each and every time I wandered by or looked at it. Sigh.

What I failed to remember (yet another sign of grief  is a truly horrible memory from hell) was that, just like the last 100 trips, my beautiful little Bellabean would be my trusty little travel companion. (How did I forget THAT? WTF?)  Now, because I'm a good great Mama who wouldn't dare pass on the cold and cough from hell that my sweet girl has suffered with for the past  two weeks (and counting) to other innocent children parents, we bypassed going onto the ferry and into the playroom and instead grabbed our Timmy's drive thru drinks, got our blankies, took off our boots and  settled into our "fort" in the truck for what I hoped would  be a quick 1 hour nap for an "awake to early 7 year old little girl". Mama thought wrong!!!

NEWSFLASH: 7 YEAR OLDS are chatty...chattier than 6 year olds...smarter than 6 year olds....even more inquisitive than 6 year olds and ask waaaay harder and more thought provoking questions than 6 year olds. And people, get ready for it...they are onto us.  They are fully onto our tricks of the parenting trade and are having no part of this bribery business. God friggin damnit. Now what's this Mama gotta pull out of my ass sleeve every ferry trip?

At this point I'm pretty confident my daughter is madly in love with the sound of her own voice and as a result of this, as our ferry pulls up to the dock after a loooooooong, 1 hour and 40 minutes trapped in an SUV and not one single page of my book read.  I fear my ears are potentially bleeding. Anabella says she "can't see any blood".  OOPS!  Did I say that out loud?   I also discovered my 7 year old has quite the addiction gift and talent of taking great selfies of both herself and me,  but that's an entirely different blog for an entirely different day.  Needless to say one more day of my book not being read . HOWEVER, I did find a chance to sneak in this quick blog post due to my magic powers, otherwise known as driving,  because as soon as we pulled into the carport and I turned around to say "Home sweet Home", I could see her sweet little face and curled up little body FAST ASLEEP.  BAM! POW! Take that! Super Mama is still in charge of this SUV. That's how we roll.  Magic for my fingers and my sanity.

 

See the following three photos as a small glimpse into what I call: "The Many Moods of a 7 year old girl trapped in an SUV with her Mama"

Love,
Jess (& Bella)

 

Wisdom comes in tiny blond packages...

 

God she was beautiful and FUNNY

My blog isn't a grief blog. It isn't a single parent blog or divorce blog or a single gal  looking for love blog or advice blog or a buy my product blog.  It isn't an I'm the funniest person in the world blog, hottest person in the world blog, or craziest person in the world blog either.  It's just a place where I write. I write about my perfectly imperfect life which really is a little bit of everything and could be randomly crazy or boring on any given day.  Right now, in this day, in this month, in this coming year it will likely involve allot of grief talk and growing talk and learning talk.  Because this year is my first year living the rest of what is supposed to be an extraordinary life, without my amazing little sister, Robin Ida Ashley.  So bare with me, I'm doing all I can to get my groove back....but my groove got misplaced at my sisters funeral on December 13, 2014.  If you find it or mistakenly took it with you, can you send it my way?

For anyone who is on my facebook crackbook, instagram or has ever walked by my desk at the office, it's no secret that I LOVE being a Mama.  I'm not sure if it's a "divorced, single mama, co-parenting" thing that makes me value being a parent and having my sassie little blondie side kick as my #1 team mate more OR if I'd feel the exact same way if I had stayed married to her Daddy and lived happily ever after.  What I do know for sure is that god dammit am I ever grateful for that girl.  I have always looked at her, treated her and loved her as a little lady and human being and not just as "a child".  I have always appreciated her views and opinions, even if they made absolutely no sense and I have always valued her unbiased, undamaged, innocent view of the people in our life and the entire world around us. 

To me she wasn't 1 year old Anabella or 5 year old Anabella.  She was just Anabella.  A beautiful "little being" that I was chosen and entrusted to take care of, value, grow, nurture, teach, love, encourage and keep safe while she stretched her little wings and learned to fly on her own in this perfectly imperfect  world.  Only eventually to be set free as the extraordinary, valuable, important, unique and beautiful little girl, teenager and woman she is supposed to be and become.  I don't think it's my job to tell her what to do, but instead to SHOW her what is right and guide her in love and lessons.  To show her what's real, lead her by example, remind her what's important, embrace her in values and shower her with love and then let her start to make decisions for what is right for her.  Of course, she makes wrong decisions at times, and she learns very quickly that there are also consequences in to choices in the real world. 



OK, I totally went off on a Mama rant there which really wasn't my intention for my blog today.  What I wanted to write about was the fact that sometimes the littlest most innocent beings in our life can offer us the most nourishing and fulfilling little nuggets of wisdom.  Who knew right?  She's messy and silly and talks non stop and she and asks far to many questions every single day (I swear it's like 500 a day, not kidding). She hates the dark, is scared to sleep alone, still loves to cuddle and won't eat anything the color green.  She sleeps with her "t-shirt" (aka blankie from birth), likes to say the words bum, fart and poop as often as humanly possible and constantly tells jokes that make zero sense at all.  She likes to spray whipped cream into her mouth when we have dessert (and she thinks I'm the shit because I actually let her).  She won't wear jean fabric or wool and she rips up 30 drawings before she presents you with her work of artful perfection.  She still gets time outs, throws the odd tantrum, and has some very spirited attitude that is requiring tweaking along the way.  AND she is the one little person who has made me smile every day without trying and offered me the most effortless nuggets of wisdom during the passing of my sister and her Auntie.

 



Only the special got to know this side of my sister

Although I try to keep my sadness and tears to a minimum in her presence, at the beginning it was often difficult to always keep it fully together.  I was torn between letting her see it to know that it was OK to be feeling sad and alternatively shoving it under the carpet and sheltering her from the amount of heartache we were all actually in.  One night I stood in the bathroom brushing her hair, when without notice to either one of us my ears welled up and tears started streaming down my face.  I quickly turned around to try to hide my face and tears and said, "It's okay Bella, Mama's OK, I'm just a little bit sad because I REALLY miss Auntie Robbie...but, I'm also soooooo happy inside because I know Auntie Robbie is so happy & healthy in heaven and even though we can't see her, she is  here with us right now and she always will be, so we don't really have to ever miss her at all!". 

 

At that point I feel Anabella's sweet, warm little smushy body pushed up against me and her  loving little arms so tightly wrapped around my waist when she says, "Oh Mama, it's OK if you cry. Sometimes you just need to cry and cry and cry and get all those sad tears out. Everybody has to Mama. Everybody." I was a bit taken aback by her innocent wisdom in that moment, but was even more stunned by what came out of her mouth next.  "Mama you know, in here I feel (pointing to her heart and chest) she proceeds to place her tiny little hands in the middle of her chest and make the formation of a heart breaking in half over and over again, BUT in here I feel (pointing to her forehead and brain) she proceeds to place her cute little hands on her forehead in the shape of a full heart.

Wow.  From the mouth of my very own little treasure nugget of a babe. She gets it! I made her! (Proud Mama moment) She really gets it and she really reminded me that it was okay to be whatever I needed to be. You see, when your best friend and baby sister passes away far to young, far to soon, far to quickly and far to painfully, there really is no right or wrong way to deal with it.  You think you're going to handle things one way and then life bitch slaps you right across the face and you handle it in a totally different way. 

+You feel like the luckiest person in the world to have known her.

+You feel like the guiltiest person in the world because you're a survivor.

+You feel like the saddest most heartbroken victim of Cancer even though it's not you who even had the effing cancer.

+You feel happy that she's pain free and not suffering and you feel angry that you're now suffering.

+You feel like life can't possibly go on and you feel like now you HAVE to live and EXTRAORDINARY life FOR Robbie because she didn't get to. 

+You feel like punching people in the face and hugging every you love.

+You feel like you never want to see anyone ever again and you feel like you never want to be alone for a second in your life.

+You forget your address, drive down the wrong street to get to the home you've lived at for 5 years, and feel like you live in a foggy haze.

+You forget your daughters dentist appointment, miss your favorite tv show, ignore text messages, feel afraid to drive and get mad at people you love for loving you.

+You feel afraid to sleep, afraid to be awake, afraid to have the exact same nightmares and dreams that you had last night and the night before that and the night before that AGAIN.

+You feel frustrated because you want to move forward and be THERE when in reality you are HERE...and you have to be here in order to get to there.

+You FEEL like the worst Mama when you KNOW you're the best Mama ever.

+You feel alone in a crowd of a 1000 people.

And guess what? That means I'm one of the LUCKY ones because I'm still FEELING. Feeling is healthy. Feeling is good. Feeling is healing. Feeling is taking one step forward and maybe two steps back. And then two steps forward and one step back. Feeling means I haven't been pushed over the edge...and there's somehow somewhere a light at the end of this very long tunnel.  Just like Robbie told me in this note she left for me before she even knew she was sick.

Go hug your baby. Call your sister. Text your husband. Write a letter to someone who matters. Write a love note to put in your child's lunch tomorrow.  Put your phone down and look at the person sitting beside you.  Start a blog. Follow a dream. Dare to be present...and raw...and real.  BE YOU.  My life and loss is not for nothing and if my pain can help even one person value their life or reconnect with a loved one or reach out to a new friend or follow a dream or feel less alone,  then all my vulnerability and rawness will be worth it.

Sweet dreams friends.

Love,

Jess

How to grieve the loss of your sister, best friend & super hero in 10easy steps VS. reality

It's been 47 days and 57 minutes since my heart shattered into a million pieces of silence.  It's been 6.5 weeks since my Divine, kind, peaceful, brave and beautiful super hero of a baby sister peacefully and tragically took her last breath and gained her angel wings. 27 years old...TWENTY SEVEN. I still lose my breath every time I think it, write it, or say it out loud.  It can't be real. It's my worst nightmare. It's the worst punishment I've ever received. It's like a bad dream you can't wake up from.  It's real. It's my life.  It's part of my journey and my world will never be as full without her in it.

Aside from proudly participating in Robbie's service, Team Robbie website, and Eulogy (God I hate that word) I really haven't shared much about this experience and all we've gone through publicly on this blog.  I'm not quite sure why, since aside from being the Mama of my beautiful little girl, my one real passion in life is writing and more specifically being brave enough to be publicly vulnerable and share my own experiences in the hopes of helping others feel not so alone in theirs.  It's funny how alone we all feel when we go through struggles, when in reality so many people struggle behind closed doors and in silence.  I CHOOSE not to be silent. I choose to show the world that sometimes the people you least expect are the ones struggling the most.

To say I loved my baby sister would be a complete injustice to what we had.  I absolutely adored the beautiful human being she was.  Every day, I appreciated the fact that she was MY sister.  But not just my sister, my best friend, my reminder of what kindness truly is, my laughter when I was sad, my lecture when I needed one, my grocery shopping partner, my wisdom,  my person I text the minute anything good happened or called the minute anything bad happened.  She was the person I wanted to leave my little girl to if anything ever happened to me (and lets face it, I was FOR SURE going long before healthy, beautiful Robbie ever would since my eating disorder had ravished my body for all of those years...my oh my how wrong the world can be.)  From the age of 6 she became an Auntie...and she was an extraordinary hands on, Auntie and second Mama to each and every one of both mine and my sisters kids. 

When Robbie was 6 years old, I was an insecure, sad 17 year old girl with a raging, growing out of control eating disorder that ruled my life and tormented my body and my mind every second of every day.  Robbie was the innocent, loving little sister who never saw the bad but always bravely, unconditionally loved me through every step of my 10 year battle.  She was full of smiles, and snuggles and cuddles. She would always rub my back and bring me what I needed. She was the queen of singing and make overs.  She wanted so desperately to be "old" like me, 11 years her senior.  She would stick by my side 24/7 if given the chance and she drove me and all of my high school friends a little crazy, but god she was cute and even they fell in love with her. She was one of three people in the delivery room with me for the birth of my daughter.  She lived with my ex husband and I when Anabella was just a baby and was able to build such a close and special bond with my little girl.  She was so humble and full of love and kindness right from the minute she was born and right until the minute she died.

Holy crap. My sister died. MY SISTER DIED.  I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY that my sister is dead.  We can sugar coat it and say she's earned her wings and gone to heaven and moved onto a better world and she was one of the "good ones" because god takes all the "good ones first".  But reality is, my baby sister and my best friend suffered and fought the brutal death demon called Cancer for 7 torturous months before she deteriorated to a state that no living creature deserved to be in, never complained once, and gracefully took her last breath surrounded by my entire family, her long time love, and a couple of close friends.  My arms were around her and my cheek was on hers, my hand was running through her hair like she always loved for me to do  (I miss her doing it to me already) and I was whispering in her ear about how beautiful the light was when she got goosebumps up her arm and she took her last breath in and never exhaled back out.  

I go in and out of shock and disbelief to complete disassociation and denial to utter earth shattering anger.  I literally feel like I'm living in a fog.  When I disassociate my eyes will literally glaze over and although I look present, I am fully absent.  So absent I've been advised to avoid driving as much as possible until we can get this under control.  Most people I'm sure would be so ashamed to admit this, but really, is there a proper way to grieve the loss of your sister, best friend and super hero? Do you know the easy 10 steps? Because right now it takes just about everything in me to breath and eat, let alone do one other thing.

After Robbie passed (at home in her own bed) my daughter, my two little nieces and I all went in together and sat with Auntie Robbie and held her hand and hugged her and we talked about how much we all love Auntie Robbie and how she will always be with us.  We each took a turn talking about all the things Auntie Robbie had taught us and how sad we were.  We each kissed her "goodnight" and after that was done,  just Anabella and I stayed with her, laid beside Auntie Robbie holding each other and sang "You are my Sunshine" to our super hero one last time, just the way she loved and did for Anabella as a baby and just like we know she would have done for us. 

For the record, my amazing little girl has been nothing but astonishing throughout this entire illness and now death. She sees a counsellor and has an amazing support network, all of whom have praised us for whatever we've done with her. She is at peace and adjusted and accepting of death. She believes in heaven and she believes her Auntie is an Angel watching over her. We talk to Auntie Robbie all the time and we laugh and smile when we hear a song that reminds us of her...because that's the way Auntie Robbie would want it.  We have had to face death much sooner than we would have wanted to with her, but we have raised her full of love and taught her to love hard, and when you lose someone you love,  you have to still love and lose hard too.

What allot of people don't realize is that throughout her sickness Robbie at times only wanted me and our older sister. She would find great comfort when it was just the 3 of us.  And from the minute she was diagnosed we promised her she would never fight this battle for one single second alone.  To us that meant even after death.  When the coroner came to take her body to the funeral home, we walked her body to the van.  The next day we went and checked on her and planned her service and cremation. The day after that, my sister, my 21 year old niece and I picked out her favorite pajamas, walked into the funeral home, personally and respectfully dressed her lifeless body, put on her make up, did her hair, wrapped her in a warm blanket (that we had all loved and shared over time) and lifted her earthly body into her casket. The following day we filled her casket with love letters from our family, kissed her goodbye for a final time and wheeled her casket from the funeral home to the Hearst.  We lead a procession and followed the Hearst carrying her body to the Crematorium at which point we had an impromptu personal service with close family and best friends holding hands and hearts around her casket ending with my devastated Dad, older sister and me personally walking and pushin her casket into the fiery heat that would be the end of her body's existence on this earth. That body wasn't her. But her spirit was alive and well that day.  We promised her she would never be alone in her battle and journey, and we stayed true to our promise.

The following two weeks were a blur of her funeral, Christmas, New Years and to make it all complete the man I thought was the actual love of my life, that I truly believed was my best friend and the person I wanted to be with, who asked me to try on engagement rings, who then went out and bought the engagement ring and wedding band, who asked us to move in with him and who I gave my notice on my condo for, ended our relationship the day before New Years Eve because he couldn't handle my "emotional ups and downs", "I was being selfish and needed to get over my sisters death and get on with life" and "he didn't have the tools to deal with my grief".  Then he stopped having any communication with us and refused to even hug me goodbye.  I'd like to say that was devastating...and it was for a little while, but I was quickly reminded that I should instead be happy that I dodged a bullet.  I've learned that when tragedy strikes you realize quickly who your true friends are and when one door closes another door opens.  Life works in funny ways, and I am now strangely perfectly ok with "his" decision to end our relationship.  I need someone VERY different than that, and he clearly needed someone very different than me...although I'm not sure an emotionless woman who could move on from her sisters death after three weeks exists out there.  If she does, I don't EVER want her for a friend, let alone girlfriend;-)  I wish him happiness...and maybe a little bit of Karma? Come oooooon, I'm human.

Needless to say...I'm in grief therapy. I'm not working.  I've banged my new truck up twice. I'm not sleeping. I can't get the visions, the feelings, the smells, the sounds, the feeling of her lifeless body in my arms, the heat of the crematorium, the heat waves coming out of the crematorium chimney, the panic, the earth shattering pain in my heart...any of it, out of my head.  I have constant nightmares about everything under the sun including my living sister and I. As if losing Robbie wasn't punishment enough, now I get to go through this living nightmare to somehow "get stronger" and come to grips with all I've gone through.  I'm told this is all very traumatic and grief is difficult, especially the loss of a younger, close sibling.  My newest learning: It's called "complicated grief" and the hopes is that it won't turn into PTSD if it hasn't already.  I guess my therapist will fill me in tomorrow at my next appointment.

Wish me luck. Don't judge me. Send me love.  Don't feel sorry for me.  Be grateful that my life can hopefully someday help you with your own in some little way. Even if it means that you look past sweating some of the small stuff that happens today and sit down and call your sister or your brother or your best friend or your Mama.  Take that minute to talk to and hear the voice of that person you have in your life that you just assume will always be there.  They might not be tomorrow. 

Love,
Jess