Wisdom comes in tiny blond packages...

 

God she was beautiful and FUNNY

My blog isn't a grief blog. It isn't a single parent blog or divorce blog or a single gal  looking for love blog or advice blog or a buy my product blog.  It isn't an I'm the funniest person in the world blog, hottest person in the world blog, or craziest person in the world blog either.  It's just a place where I write. I write about my perfectly imperfect life which really is a little bit of everything and could be randomly crazy or boring on any given day.  Right now, in this day, in this month, in this coming year it will likely involve allot of grief talk and growing talk and learning talk.  Because this year is my first year living the rest of what is supposed to be an extraordinary life, without my amazing little sister, Robin Ida Ashley.  So bare with me, I'm doing all I can to get my groove back....but my groove got misplaced at my sisters funeral on December 13, 2014.  If you find it or mistakenly took it with you, can you send it my way?

For anyone who is on my facebook crackbook, instagram or has ever walked by my desk at the office, it's no secret that I LOVE being a Mama.  I'm not sure if it's a "divorced, single mama, co-parenting" thing that makes me value being a parent and having my sassie little blondie side kick as my #1 team mate more OR if I'd feel the exact same way if I had stayed married to her Daddy and lived happily ever after.  What I do know for sure is that god dammit am I ever grateful for that girl.  I have always looked at her, treated her and loved her as a little lady and human being and not just as "a child".  I have always appreciated her views and opinions, even if they made absolutely no sense and I have always valued her unbiased, undamaged, innocent view of the people in our life and the entire world around us. 

To me she wasn't 1 year old Anabella or 5 year old Anabella.  She was just Anabella.  A beautiful "little being" that I was chosen and entrusted to take care of, value, grow, nurture, teach, love, encourage and keep safe while she stretched her little wings and learned to fly on her own in this perfectly imperfect  world.  Only eventually to be set free as the extraordinary, valuable, important, unique and beautiful little girl, teenager and woman she is supposed to be and become.  I don't think it's my job to tell her what to do, but instead to SHOW her what is right and guide her in love and lessons.  To show her what's real, lead her by example, remind her what's important, embrace her in values and shower her with love and then let her start to make decisions for what is right for her.  Of course, she makes wrong decisions at times, and she learns very quickly that there are also consequences in to choices in the real world. 



OK, I totally went off on a Mama rant there which really wasn't my intention for my blog today.  What I wanted to write about was the fact that sometimes the littlest most innocent beings in our life can offer us the most nourishing and fulfilling little nuggets of wisdom.  Who knew right?  She's messy and silly and talks non stop and she and asks far to many questions every single day (I swear it's like 500 a day, not kidding). She hates the dark, is scared to sleep alone, still loves to cuddle and won't eat anything the color green.  She sleeps with her "t-shirt" (aka blankie from birth), likes to say the words bum, fart and poop as often as humanly possible and constantly tells jokes that make zero sense at all.  She likes to spray whipped cream into her mouth when we have dessert (and she thinks I'm the shit because I actually let her).  She won't wear jean fabric or wool and she rips up 30 drawings before she presents you with her work of artful perfection.  She still gets time outs, throws the odd tantrum, and has some very spirited attitude that is requiring tweaking along the way.  AND she is the one little person who has made me smile every day without trying and offered me the most effortless nuggets of wisdom during the passing of my sister and her Auntie.

 



Only the special got to know this side of my sister

Although I try to keep my sadness and tears to a minimum in her presence, at the beginning it was often difficult to always keep it fully together.  I was torn between letting her see it to know that it was OK to be feeling sad and alternatively shoving it under the carpet and sheltering her from the amount of heartache we were all actually in.  One night I stood in the bathroom brushing her hair, when without notice to either one of us my ears welled up and tears started streaming down my face.  I quickly turned around to try to hide my face and tears and said, "It's okay Bella, Mama's OK, I'm just a little bit sad because I REALLY miss Auntie Robbie...but, I'm also soooooo happy inside because I know Auntie Robbie is so happy & healthy in heaven and even though we can't see her, she is  here with us right now and she always will be, so we don't really have to ever miss her at all!". 

 

At that point I feel Anabella's sweet, warm little smushy body pushed up against me and her  loving little arms so tightly wrapped around my waist when she says, "Oh Mama, it's OK if you cry. Sometimes you just need to cry and cry and cry and get all those sad tears out. Everybody has to Mama. Everybody." I was a bit taken aback by her innocent wisdom in that moment, but was even more stunned by what came out of her mouth next.  "Mama you know, in here I feel (pointing to her heart and chest) she proceeds to place her tiny little hands in the middle of her chest and make the formation of a heart breaking in half over and over again, BUT in here I feel (pointing to her forehead and brain) she proceeds to place her cute little hands on her forehead in the shape of a full heart.

Wow.  From the mouth of my very own little treasure nugget of a babe. She gets it! I made her! (Proud Mama moment) She really gets it and she really reminded me that it was okay to be whatever I needed to be. You see, when your best friend and baby sister passes away far to young, far to soon, far to quickly and far to painfully, there really is no right or wrong way to deal with it.  You think you're going to handle things one way and then life bitch slaps you right across the face and you handle it in a totally different way. 

+You feel like the luckiest person in the world to have known her.

+You feel like the guiltiest person in the world because you're a survivor.

+You feel like the saddest most heartbroken victim of Cancer even though it's not you who even had the effing cancer.

+You feel happy that she's pain free and not suffering and you feel angry that you're now suffering.

+You feel like life can't possibly go on and you feel like now you HAVE to live and EXTRAORDINARY life FOR Robbie because she didn't get to. 

+You feel like punching people in the face and hugging every you love.

+You feel like you never want to see anyone ever again and you feel like you never want to be alone for a second in your life.

+You forget your address, drive down the wrong street to get to the home you've lived at for 5 years, and feel like you live in a foggy haze.

+You forget your daughters dentist appointment, miss your favorite tv show, ignore text messages, feel afraid to drive and get mad at people you love for loving you.

+You feel afraid to sleep, afraid to be awake, afraid to have the exact same nightmares and dreams that you had last night and the night before that and the night before that AGAIN.

+You feel frustrated because you want to move forward and be THERE when in reality you are HERE...and you have to be here in order to get to there.

+You FEEL like the worst Mama when you KNOW you're the best Mama ever.

+You feel alone in a crowd of a 1000 people.

And guess what? That means I'm one of the LUCKY ones because I'm still FEELING. Feeling is healthy. Feeling is good. Feeling is healing. Feeling is taking one step forward and maybe two steps back. And then two steps forward and one step back. Feeling means I haven't been pushed over the edge...and there's somehow somewhere a light at the end of this very long tunnel.  Just like Robbie told me in this note she left for me before she even knew she was sick.

Go hug your baby. Call your sister. Text your husband. Write a letter to someone who matters. Write a love note to put in your child's lunch tomorrow.  Put your phone down and look at the person sitting beside you.  Start a blog. Follow a dream. Dare to be present...and raw...and real.  BE YOU.  My life and loss is not for nothing and if my pain can help even one person value their life or reconnect with a loved one or reach out to a new friend or follow a dream or feel less alone,  then all my vulnerability and rawness will be worth it.

Sweet dreams friends.

Love,

Jess