Help...stuck in a truck on a ferry with a 7 year old ;-p

I had such vision and purpose for our ferry trip home this morning. It's been months and months, since I could muster the motivation and attention span required to pick up a book, let alone read and absorb what it actually says.   This is all a brand new unfortunate experience (& side effect of  grief) for me.  I'm an avid reader and someone who typically has three different books on the go at any given moment.

Today, I was determined that the silence and boredom of yet another hour and a half long trip across the choppy beautiful BC waters home would force me into the new book that I've been dieing to read #GIRLBOSS.  Up until now the book  has looked really good sitting on my coffee table, and my kitchen counter, and my bedside table and even the side of my bath.  Just sitting there and waiting for me to pick it up each and every time I wandered by or looked at it. Sigh.

What I failed to remember (yet another sign of grief  is a truly horrible memory from hell) was that, just like the last 100 trips, my beautiful little Bellabean would be my trusty little travel companion. (How did I forget THAT? WTF?)  Now, because I'm a good great Mama who wouldn't dare pass on the cold and cough from hell that my sweet girl has suffered with for the past  two weeks (and counting) to other innocent children parents, we bypassed going onto the ferry and into the playroom and instead grabbed our Timmy's drive thru drinks, got our blankies, took off our boots and  settled into our "fort" in the truck for what I hoped would  be a quick 1 hour nap for an "awake to early 7 year old little girl". Mama thought wrong!!!

NEWSFLASH: 7 YEAR OLDS are chatty...chattier than 6 year olds...smarter than 6 year olds....even more inquisitive than 6 year olds and ask waaaay harder and more thought provoking questions than 6 year olds. And people, get ready for it...they are onto us.  They are fully onto our tricks of the parenting trade and are having no part of this bribery business. God friggin damnit. Now what's this Mama gotta pull out of my ass sleeve every ferry trip?

At this point I'm pretty confident my daughter is madly in love with the sound of her own voice and as a result of this, as our ferry pulls up to the dock after a loooooooong, 1 hour and 40 minutes trapped in an SUV and not one single page of my book read.  I fear my ears are potentially bleeding. Anabella says she "can't see any blood".  OOPS!  Did I say that out loud?   I also discovered my 7 year old has quite the addiction gift and talent of taking great selfies of both herself and me,  but that's an entirely different blog for an entirely different day.  Needless to say one more day of my book not being read . HOWEVER, I did find a chance to sneak in this quick blog post due to my magic powers, otherwise known as driving,  because as soon as we pulled into the carport and I turned around to say "Home sweet Home", I could see her sweet little face and curled up little body FAST ASLEEP.  BAM! POW! Take that! Super Mama is still in charge of this SUV. That's how we roll.  Magic for my fingers and my sanity.

 

See the following three photos as a small glimpse into what I call: "The Many Moods of a 7 year old girl trapped in an SUV with her Mama"

Love,
Jess (& Bella)

 

Wisdom comes in tiny blond packages...

 

God she was beautiful and FUNNY

My blog isn't a grief blog. It isn't a single parent blog or divorce blog or a single gal  looking for love blog or advice blog or a buy my product blog.  It isn't an I'm the funniest person in the world blog, hottest person in the world blog, or craziest person in the world blog either.  It's just a place where I write. I write about my perfectly imperfect life which really is a little bit of everything and could be randomly crazy or boring on any given day.  Right now, in this day, in this month, in this coming year it will likely involve allot of grief talk and growing talk and learning talk.  Because this year is my first year living the rest of what is supposed to be an extraordinary life, without my amazing little sister, Robin Ida Ashley.  So bare with me, I'm doing all I can to get my groove back....but my groove got misplaced at my sisters funeral on December 13, 2014.  If you find it or mistakenly took it with you, can you send it my way?

For anyone who is on my facebook crackbook, instagram or has ever walked by my desk at the office, it's no secret that I LOVE being a Mama.  I'm not sure if it's a "divorced, single mama, co-parenting" thing that makes me value being a parent and having my sassie little blondie side kick as my #1 team mate more OR if I'd feel the exact same way if I had stayed married to her Daddy and lived happily ever after.  What I do know for sure is that god dammit am I ever grateful for that girl.  I have always looked at her, treated her and loved her as a little lady and human being and not just as "a child".  I have always appreciated her views and opinions, even if they made absolutely no sense and I have always valued her unbiased, undamaged, innocent view of the people in our life and the entire world around us. 

To me she wasn't 1 year old Anabella or 5 year old Anabella.  She was just Anabella.  A beautiful "little being" that I was chosen and entrusted to take care of, value, grow, nurture, teach, love, encourage and keep safe while she stretched her little wings and learned to fly on her own in this perfectly imperfect  world.  Only eventually to be set free as the extraordinary, valuable, important, unique and beautiful little girl, teenager and woman she is supposed to be and become.  I don't think it's my job to tell her what to do, but instead to SHOW her what is right and guide her in love and lessons.  To show her what's real, lead her by example, remind her what's important, embrace her in values and shower her with love and then let her start to make decisions for what is right for her.  Of course, she makes wrong decisions at times, and she learns very quickly that there are also consequences in to choices in the real world. 



OK, I totally went off on a Mama rant there which really wasn't my intention for my blog today.  What I wanted to write about was the fact that sometimes the littlest most innocent beings in our life can offer us the most nourishing and fulfilling little nuggets of wisdom.  Who knew right?  She's messy and silly and talks non stop and she and asks far to many questions every single day (I swear it's like 500 a day, not kidding). She hates the dark, is scared to sleep alone, still loves to cuddle and won't eat anything the color green.  She sleeps with her "t-shirt" (aka blankie from birth), likes to say the words bum, fart and poop as often as humanly possible and constantly tells jokes that make zero sense at all.  She likes to spray whipped cream into her mouth when we have dessert (and she thinks I'm the shit because I actually let her).  She won't wear jean fabric or wool and she rips up 30 drawings before she presents you with her work of artful perfection.  She still gets time outs, throws the odd tantrum, and has some very spirited attitude that is requiring tweaking along the way.  AND she is the one little person who has made me smile every day without trying and offered me the most effortless nuggets of wisdom during the passing of my sister and her Auntie.

 



Only the special got to know this side of my sister

Although I try to keep my sadness and tears to a minimum in her presence, at the beginning it was often difficult to always keep it fully together.  I was torn between letting her see it to know that it was OK to be feeling sad and alternatively shoving it under the carpet and sheltering her from the amount of heartache we were all actually in.  One night I stood in the bathroom brushing her hair, when without notice to either one of us my ears welled up and tears started streaming down my face.  I quickly turned around to try to hide my face and tears and said, "It's okay Bella, Mama's OK, I'm just a little bit sad because I REALLY miss Auntie Robbie...but, I'm also soooooo happy inside because I know Auntie Robbie is so happy & healthy in heaven and even though we can't see her, she is  here with us right now and she always will be, so we don't really have to ever miss her at all!". 

 

At that point I feel Anabella's sweet, warm little smushy body pushed up against me and her  loving little arms so tightly wrapped around my waist when she says, "Oh Mama, it's OK if you cry. Sometimes you just need to cry and cry and cry and get all those sad tears out. Everybody has to Mama. Everybody." I was a bit taken aback by her innocent wisdom in that moment, but was even more stunned by what came out of her mouth next.  "Mama you know, in here I feel (pointing to her heart and chest) she proceeds to place her tiny little hands in the middle of her chest and make the formation of a heart breaking in half over and over again, BUT in here I feel (pointing to her forehead and brain) she proceeds to place her cute little hands on her forehead in the shape of a full heart.

Wow.  From the mouth of my very own little treasure nugget of a babe. She gets it! I made her! (Proud Mama moment) She really gets it and she really reminded me that it was okay to be whatever I needed to be. You see, when your best friend and baby sister passes away far to young, far to soon, far to quickly and far to painfully, there really is no right or wrong way to deal with it.  You think you're going to handle things one way and then life bitch slaps you right across the face and you handle it in a totally different way. 

+You feel like the luckiest person in the world to have known her.

+You feel like the guiltiest person in the world because you're a survivor.

+You feel like the saddest most heartbroken victim of Cancer even though it's not you who even had the effing cancer.

+You feel happy that she's pain free and not suffering and you feel angry that you're now suffering.

+You feel like life can't possibly go on and you feel like now you HAVE to live and EXTRAORDINARY life FOR Robbie because she didn't get to. 

+You feel like punching people in the face and hugging every you love.

+You feel like you never want to see anyone ever again and you feel like you never want to be alone for a second in your life.

+You forget your address, drive down the wrong street to get to the home you've lived at for 5 years, and feel like you live in a foggy haze.

+You forget your daughters dentist appointment, miss your favorite tv show, ignore text messages, feel afraid to drive and get mad at people you love for loving you.

+You feel afraid to sleep, afraid to be awake, afraid to have the exact same nightmares and dreams that you had last night and the night before that and the night before that AGAIN.

+You feel frustrated because you want to move forward and be THERE when in reality you are HERE...and you have to be here in order to get to there.

+You FEEL like the worst Mama when you KNOW you're the best Mama ever.

+You feel alone in a crowd of a 1000 people.

And guess what? That means I'm one of the LUCKY ones because I'm still FEELING. Feeling is healthy. Feeling is good. Feeling is healing. Feeling is taking one step forward and maybe two steps back. And then two steps forward and one step back. Feeling means I haven't been pushed over the edge...and there's somehow somewhere a light at the end of this very long tunnel.  Just like Robbie told me in this note she left for me before she even knew she was sick.

Go hug your baby. Call your sister. Text your husband. Write a letter to someone who matters. Write a love note to put in your child's lunch tomorrow.  Put your phone down and look at the person sitting beside you.  Start a blog. Follow a dream. Dare to be present...and raw...and real.  BE YOU.  My life and loss is not for nothing and if my pain can help even one person value their life or reconnect with a loved one or reach out to a new friend or follow a dream or feel less alone,  then all my vulnerability and rawness will be worth it.

Sweet dreams friends.

Love,

Jess

How to grieve the loss of your sister, best friend & super hero in 10easy steps VS. reality

It's been 47 days and 57 minutes since my heart shattered into a million pieces of silence.  It's been 6.5 weeks since my Divine, kind, peaceful, brave and beautiful super hero of a baby sister peacefully and tragically took her last breath and gained her angel wings. 27 years old...TWENTY SEVEN. I still lose my breath every time I think it, write it, or say it out loud.  It can't be real. It's my worst nightmare. It's the worst punishment I've ever received. It's like a bad dream you can't wake up from.  It's real. It's my life.  It's part of my journey and my world will never be as full without her in it.

Aside from proudly participating in Robbie's service, Team Robbie website, and Eulogy (God I hate that word) I really haven't shared much about this experience and all we've gone through publicly on this blog.  I'm not quite sure why, since aside from being the Mama of my beautiful little girl, my one real passion in life is writing and more specifically being brave enough to be publicly vulnerable and share my own experiences in the hopes of helping others feel not so alone in theirs.  It's funny how alone we all feel when we go through struggles, when in reality so many people struggle behind closed doors and in silence.  I CHOOSE not to be silent. I choose to show the world that sometimes the people you least expect are the ones struggling the most.

To say I loved my baby sister would be a complete injustice to what we had.  I absolutely adored the beautiful human being she was.  Every day, I appreciated the fact that she was MY sister.  But not just my sister, my best friend, my reminder of what kindness truly is, my laughter when I was sad, my lecture when I needed one, my grocery shopping partner, my wisdom,  my person I text the minute anything good happened or called the minute anything bad happened.  She was the person I wanted to leave my little girl to if anything ever happened to me (and lets face it, I was FOR SURE going long before healthy, beautiful Robbie ever would since my eating disorder had ravished my body for all of those years...my oh my how wrong the world can be.)  From the age of 6 she became an Auntie...and she was an extraordinary hands on, Auntie and second Mama to each and every one of both mine and my sisters kids. 

When Robbie was 6 years old, I was an insecure, sad 17 year old girl with a raging, growing out of control eating disorder that ruled my life and tormented my body and my mind every second of every day.  Robbie was the innocent, loving little sister who never saw the bad but always bravely, unconditionally loved me through every step of my 10 year battle.  She was full of smiles, and snuggles and cuddles. She would always rub my back and bring me what I needed. She was the queen of singing and make overs.  She wanted so desperately to be "old" like me, 11 years her senior.  She would stick by my side 24/7 if given the chance and she drove me and all of my high school friends a little crazy, but god she was cute and even they fell in love with her. She was one of three people in the delivery room with me for the birth of my daughter.  She lived with my ex husband and I when Anabella was just a baby and was able to build such a close and special bond with my little girl.  She was so humble and full of love and kindness right from the minute she was born and right until the minute she died.

Holy crap. My sister died. MY SISTER DIED.  I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY that my sister is dead.  We can sugar coat it and say she's earned her wings and gone to heaven and moved onto a better world and she was one of the "good ones" because god takes all the "good ones first".  But reality is, my baby sister and my best friend suffered and fought the brutal death demon called Cancer for 7 torturous months before she deteriorated to a state that no living creature deserved to be in, never complained once, and gracefully took her last breath surrounded by my entire family, her long time love, and a couple of close friends.  My arms were around her and my cheek was on hers, my hand was running through her hair like she always loved for me to do  (I miss her doing it to me already) and I was whispering in her ear about how beautiful the light was when she got goosebumps up her arm and she took her last breath in and never exhaled back out.  

I go in and out of shock and disbelief to complete disassociation and denial to utter earth shattering anger.  I literally feel like I'm living in a fog.  When I disassociate my eyes will literally glaze over and although I look present, I am fully absent.  So absent I've been advised to avoid driving as much as possible until we can get this under control.  Most people I'm sure would be so ashamed to admit this, but really, is there a proper way to grieve the loss of your sister, best friend and super hero? Do you know the easy 10 steps? Because right now it takes just about everything in me to breath and eat, let alone do one other thing.

After Robbie passed (at home in her own bed) my daughter, my two little nieces and I all went in together and sat with Auntie Robbie and held her hand and hugged her and we talked about how much we all love Auntie Robbie and how she will always be with us.  We each took a turn talking about all the things Auntie Robbie had taught us and how sad we were.  We each kissed her "goodnight" and after that was done,  just Anabella and I stayed with her, laid beside Auntie Robbie holding each other and sang "You are my Sunshine" to our super hero one last time, just the way she loved and did for Anabella as a baby and just like we know she would have done for us. 

For the record, my amazing little girl has been nothing but astonishing throughout this entire illness and now death. She sees a counsellor and has an amazing support network, all of whom have praised us for whatever we've done with her. She is at peace and adjusted and accepting of death. She believes in heaven and she believes her Auntie is an Angel watching over her. We talk to Auntie Robbie all the time and we laugh and smile when we hear a song that reminds us of her...because that's the way Auntie Robbie would want it.  We have had to face death much sooner than we would have wanted to with her, but we have raised her full of love and taught her to love hard, and when you lose someone you love,  you have to still love and lose hard too.

What allot of people don't realize is that throughout her sickness Robbie at times only wanted me and our older sister. She would find great comfort when it was just the 3 of us.  And from the minute she was diagnosed we promised her she would never fight this battle for one single second alone.  To us that meant even after death.  When the coroner came to take her body to the funeral home, we walked her body to the van.  The next day we went and checked on her and planned her service and cremation. The day after that, my sister, my 21 year old niece and I picked out her favorite pajamas, walked into the funeral home, personally and respectfully dressed her lifeless body, put on her make up, did her hair, wrapped her in a warm blanket (that we had all loved and shared over time) and lifted her earthly body into her casket. The following day we filled her casket with love letters from our family, kissed her goodbye for a final time and wheeled her casket from the funeral home to the Hearst.  We lead a procession and followed the Hearst carrying her body to the Crematorium at which point we had an impromptu personal service with close family and best friends holding hands and hearts around her casket ending with my devastated Dad, older sister and me personally walking and pushin her casket into the fiery heat that would be the end of her body's existence on this earth. That body wasn't her. But her spirit was alive and well that day.  We promised her she would never be alone in her battle and journey, and we stayed true to our promise.

The following two weeks were a blur of her funeral, Christmas, New Years and to make it all complete the man I thought was the actual love of my life, that I truly believed was my best friend and the person I wanted to be with, who asked me to try on engagement rings, who then went out and bought the engagement ring and wedding band, who asked us to move in with him and who I gave my notice on my condo for, ended our relationship the day before New Years Eve because he couldn't handle my "emotional ups and downs", "I was being selfish and needed to get over my sisters death and get on with life" and "he didn't have the tools to deal with my grief".  Then he stopped having any communication with us and refused to even hug me goodbye.  I'd like to say that was devastating...and it was for a little while, but I was quickly reminded that I should instead be happy that I dodged a bullet.  I've learned that when tragedy strikes you realize quickly who your true friends are and when one door closes another door opens.  Life works in funny ways, and I am now strangely perfectly ok with "his" decision to end our relationship.  I need someone VERY different than that, and he clearly needed someone very different than me...although I'm not sure an emotionless woman who could move on from her sisters death after three weeks exists out there.  If she does, I don't EVER want her for a friend, let alone girlfriend;-)  I wish him happiness...and maybe a little bit of Karma? Come oooooon, I'm human.

Needless to say...I'm in grief therapy. I'm not working.  I've banged my new truck up twice. I'm not sleeping. I can't get the visions, the feelings, the smells, the sounds, the feeling of her lifeless body in my arms, the heat of the crematorium, the heat waves coming out of the crematorium chimney, the panic, the earth shattering pain in my heart...any of it, out of my head.  I have constant nightmares about everything under the sun including my living sister and I. As if losing Robbie wasn't punishment enough, now I get to go through this living nightmare to somehow "get stronger" and come to grips with all I've gone through.  I'm told this is all very traumatic and grief is difficult, especially the loss of a younger, close sibling.  My newest learning: It's called "complicated grief" and the hopes is that it won't turn into PTSD if it hasn't already.  I guess my therapist will fill me in tomorrow at my next appointment.

Wish me luck. Don't judge me. Send me love.  Don't feel sorry for me.  Be grateful that my life can hopefully someday help you with your own in some little way. Even if it means that you look past sweating some of the small stuff that happens today and sit down and call your sister or your brother or your best friend or your Mama.  Take that minute to talk to and hear the voice of that person you have in your life that you just assume will always be there.  They might not be tomorrow. 

Love,
Jess

Words could never do her justice...

Our eulogy for our extraordinary little sister & best friend. 

Robin. Robinia. Orbin. Bird Food, Auntie Obbie. Rockin' Robin, Robbie our Hero. The most kind, the most thoughtful, the most loved. Robbie was born into our family on June 30, 1987 to our parents Ryk and April Ryce. She became our number 3.  When she was born we lived in a little logging town called Youbou where she spent her days watering flowers and dodging logging trucks in her diaper with her soother trailing not far behind. She was never without at least five bags full of doll accessories, "important papers" and God knows what else... Which ironically she never outgrew (besides the doll clothes). When Robin was two, we made our move over to the infamous oceanside home on Rumble Road. That is where Rockin' Robin fell in love with the ocean and everything that came with it. She especially loved turning over rocks to find crabs and making "crab dust". Along with her love of crabs, Robin had a "love" of cats and all living things. Picture two year old Robbie dragging around our poor kitty Toby- literally- by the neck, soother in mouth, "Hey! Look! I gots Toby!" Poor Toby later died of a heart defect. Wonder why.

Two weeks before Robin's 6th birthday she became an auntie for the first (and certainly not the last) time to her niece Mariah. She did not expect this baby girl to be born and steal her spotlight (and her cherished blankie)  but in true Robin fashion she gracefully accepted all of the responsibilities that came with being an aunt. One after another the nieces and nephews came... Elijah, Jaidah, Lainah, Anabella, Jaiden, Jax and Brody. Robin didn't care if they were blood, chosen, blue or green, she accepted all children as her own nieces and nephews. "Auntie Robbie" became one of the biggest parts of Robin's identity.

By age 10, Robin and our cousin Emily (with Mariah never far behind) had developed quite the obsession with the Spice Girls. Mariah will always remember hiding in the field of the next door neighbours unfinished house singing "Stop!" by the Spice Girls. The fight over who got to be Baby Spice never ended. They would trek into the woods near the house and explore the trails with all of the Rumble Road crew, no matter how scary it got and no matter how many times they were reminded of the Blair Witch Project. Water fights and sledding were among Robin's favorite activities. Robin the entrepreneur started her own business "Kids Inc." around age 11 with her cousin Emily, going door to door with homemade items such as bookmarks and "designer" pens (which by the way ended up costing our parents a small fortune) nevertheless Robin and Emily were quite proud of their success.

Robin was always a social butterfly as a child but never the mean girl. She has always been kind, caring and non-judgmental. Those traits carried on into her teenage and young adult years. She made so many friends and so genuinely loved all of them. In fact, most of them are here in this room and some have become family to us. 

In her teenage years, Robin developed a little bit of a rebellious streak but she never had the heart to be a real bad girl. She always remembered how important family is and how to stay grounded during those turbulent times. Her 16th birthday extravaganza that I'm sure some of you still remember led to her living with Tracy's (my) family for a full year which also included a little grounding, one window escape and a whole lot of really great quality time. Those rebellious years were a trying time but it led Robin into a life of gratitude and wisdom beyond her years.

Robin was always the first one to lend a helping hand in any situation. There is nothing she loved more than being thrown into the midst of cooking dinner, planning a party, or starting the clean up crew with the kids. One of the biggest struggles when she was unwell was her constant need to be the hostess with the mostess. Even near the end when her friends would come over she would be sure to ask us to set out some appy's for them like it was a party every time or make sure they stayed for dinner whether they wanted to or not. She took after her sister Tracy in many ways but on the home front especially. She loved to cook and make a home, something as simple as putting up a new picture or wall saying would produce the biggest Robbie smile. Her most infamous dishes included our mom's curry chicken and Tracy's revamped mushroom cap recipe and her love of Christmas and the holiday season was forcefully passed on to all of her best friends. Luckily, Robin outgrew her cat strangling phase and grew up to be an incredible cat mama. She wholeheartedly loved all of her babies as if she were their real mama. When she lost her beloved cat Chico, her world fell apart but it brightened once again when she found her newest babies Millie, Milo and Mia...and Lincoln, Abby and Poppy who she rescued along with her three and found loving homes. Anyone who knows Robin will know that she was an animal person, and more importantly a rescuer. Any wounded mouse, bird, frog that came to her door step either willingly or via cat, she took in and nursed back to life. If they were not one of the lucky one, the survivors they were given a proper burial every single time.

The special thing about Robbie (besides everything) was her ability to make everyone feel loved and accepted. She never came across judgmental and she always made you feel like you had a place in this world. She was always the first to help a friend in need or even a friend in tragedy and guide anyone who needed it back on the right path.

When she left us, we struggled with whether or not to include her diagnosis and cancer journey on this day.  But quickly we knew that as cancer is a reality, it was her reality and became our heart-breaking reality.  When she received her first diagnosis, my family and I relocated to Duncan to be close to her.  Cancer was a scary, uncontrollable, life changer for our girl and she needed all of us.   She faced each day, each new debilitating challenge with courage.  On her hardest and most painful days, she would rarely complain, and somehow found it in her heart to wake up each day with the spirit of survival.   I personally had the privilege to spend most of my time with her through these past months.  I was with her on that fateful day, the day of her second and final diagnosis and I was fortunate to spend an amazing amount of quality time with Robbie until her final breath.  She might have been the baby sister and we might have been strong for her throughout her life, but it turns out that in reality, the baby sister was indeed the strongest sister.  Cancer took her away from our day to day, it took her body, it took her future here on earth, but it NEVER got her spirit.

Robin. We will see you. We will hear you. We will feel you, in so many ways. We will hear your signs in owls and we will see you in beautiful sunsets following a gloomy day and shooting stars. We feel you every second of the day and there is no doubt in our minds that the beautiful angel you have become is with us every single day. 

My sweet, sweet, beautiful baby sister....we will CELEBRATE the 27 beautiful, cherished years we were blessed to have you here on earth as our little sister. 

We will learn from your wise-beyond-your-years wisdom and life lessons

We will laugh thinking of our endless memories with you

We will smile when I think of your smile

We will always think "What would Robbie do" when in confusion

We will write through our heartache

We will lead by your example

We will choose forgiveness instead of anger

We will cry when it hurts and laugh when it doesn't

I will wrap my arms & love around our Anabella, Jaidie, Lainy, Riah, Lijah, Jaiden, Brody & Jax so much that they feel YOU

We will remember your bravery every day

I will wipe away everyone's tears

I will remind everyone when to smile

We will dance with our babies in the kitchen when a "You" song comes on

We will sing your songs in the car

I will hug Anabella when I miss you

We will love you forever

We will miss you for always

We will see you in everything every day.

We will LIVE.

We will see you in heaven one day my sweet girl.

We are inspired by you. We will help others for you.  We love you. We miss you. We are so, so, so proud of you baby sister. We will move mountains for you. We will make you proud. We applaud you...no, not just applaud you, we give you a standing ovation.

smile when it hurts...



My beautiful sister at the beginning of her battle
 

My sister is sick.  My baby sister (11 years my junior) is not just sick, she is battling the fight of her life against this bastard you may have heard of once or twice named "Cancer".  It sickens me to even type that word, let alone feel the taste of disgust when it's slipping off my tongue.  No matter how many times I wake up each morning with the jolting shock of our reality, it still doesn't seem real or believable and it's NEVER going to be fair or okay.

My sister Robbie is 27 years old. WTF? Seriously?  She is the most extraordinary, beautiful, kind, loyal, thoughtful, loving, selfless, peaceful and "wise beyond her years" woman I have EVER had the privilege of knowing, not to mention the blessing of being able to call someone as graceful as her my sister.  She is the calm in our family. She is the referee in our family battles. She is the comedian at our gatherings. She is the fainting birth coach at our births.  She is the "swoop in and save the day" savior when we are sick.  She is the Super Auntie Extraordinaire to our kids.  She is the sister #3 to our our original #2. She is the reminder of Kindness. She is the glue.

#teamrobbie #teamauntierobbie

When Robbie was born, her crib was in my room.  As an 11 year old who LOVED babies, I thought I hit the jackpot when she came along.  I loved that baby girl like nothing I'd ever loved before.  As she grew and started escaping the confines of her baby jail crib, she would crawl into my bed with me every-single-night until finally when she was 2 years old, my parents took pity on my moody teenage self and our "special situation", and bought me a  new  day bed with an extra pull out bed underneath just for her. For my entire high school career, my little sister slept every night in my room, if not right in my bed with me. (For those who know me well, you now know why I'm such a gigantic cuddler to this very day). For my entire high school career, I picked her up at daycare and babysat her after school.  To say Robbie is just a sister would be the biggest understatement ever.

Christmas Magic

• Have you ever helplessly watched someone you love, suffer every day for 206 days (and counting)?
• Have you ever tried to make reason out of something that is clearly unreasonable?
• Have you ever woken up and relived your WORST nightmare over and over and OVER again....and then pull up your big girl pants, slap on your happy face and go to the office every day?
• Have you ever had to shelter a 6 year old from the sadness, pain and shocking reality of cancer?
• Have you ever had to decorate for Christmas, do the shopping, listen to Christmas music, continue the magic traditions, all while you want to curl into a ball and shut out the world?
• Have you ever had to commute to and from the island every single weekend for months and months on end to be with the people you love the most and support the courageous girl who is brave enough to attempt to kick cancer in the f%ckin face, all the while Cancer is fighting back with the power of a demon?
• Have you ever had to smile when it hurts over and over and over again?

 Welcome to the past 206 days of my life (who's counting)....and I'd do it over and over and over again, just to be with my sister Robbie for ANY spare second of any day. Just to sit beside her while she sleeps or be there when she's awake and wants to chat or look at Forever21 on line and shop from bed. Just to make my daughter's life happy and normal  (whatever that even is anymore) in her 6 year old innocent little world. 



Three...we will always be three.

My sister is my hero. She is courageous and she has faced this battle with grace and dignity. She is deserving of so much MORE than what she has been given  and this will never make sense to me.  She is my inspiration and my blessing. We have an older sister Tracy who cares for Robin every single day (Thank you Tracy for doing what so many sisters couldn't and for being the sister I wish I could be to her every day)...and that makes us a team of three.  Cancer has f%cked with the wrong 3 sisters.

My prayer for my beautiful sister: 
"God...Give her comfort. Give her kindness. Give her love. Give her dignity. Give her courage. Give her strength. Give her clarity. Give her an appetite. Give her relief. Give her a smile. Give her warmth. Give her peace. Please."

My words for Cancer:  F%ck You.

xo
Jess

Blessed

Mama, I want to be a Vlog Star...

I'm the mama of a 6 year old aspiring Vlog star.  Here's her first "back seat of the truck" post of a million more to come. Dooooon't worry, she has two attentive parents and two "step parents" who monitor her.  Who am I to stand in the way of a six year old little girl's dream? Cough. Cough.  Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Just sayin;-)

For those of you who have no clue what a VLOG STAR is, here's the Wikipedia definition: 

VLOG: A video blog or video log, sometimes shortened to vlog^[1] /ˈvlɒɡ/ is a form of blog for which the medium is video,^[2] and is a form of web television. Vlog entries often combine embedded video (or a video link) with supporting text, images, and other metadata. Entries can be recorded in one take or cut into multiple parts. The vlog category is popular on YouTube.

STAR: Famous.

xo
Jess & Bella

 

 



the month before SEVEN begins...a year in a glance.

It's the month before 7. The month before Blondie McBlonderson says goodbye to her wild & crazy 6 year old days and steps into her grown up, big girl 7 year old size 2 shoes. How did THAT happen so fast and how did I go an entire year without blogging more than two little posts? It's amazing how quickly passions can get thrown aside and put on the back burner when you get busy just surviving living life, in particular living life with a cheeky, busy 6 year old.  The reality is, this past year provided me with more than enough good  material to write about based on just our life alone, never mind writing about all the crazies I'm related to I know.

Alot of changes have happened for us over the past year.  So much so, that I wouldn't even know where to begin or end. My goal is to rejoin the land of the living and share more of me again.  Over the next couple of weeks my goal is to randomly blog on a daily basis about nothing and everything in the hopes that I can slowly get my blogging groove back and share some of what matters most right now and even some of what doesn't matter at all.

This past year brought us alot of life lessons, learning's and unreason.  A tragic illness to a very special girl in our life We love you Robbie #teamauntierobbie, a break up from a special guy who is still a special friend in Anabella's life, a kindergarten graduation to a first day of grade one, a retired hip hopper, a gymnast, a 38 year old mama getting her drivers license & buying her first brand new SUV (yes, you read that right!), landmark forum, landmark sessions, anxiety free living, a relapse recovery, alot of island trips to be with family, a shitstorm of crazy dating experiences, too many bottles of wine with friends, a new life and career goal, alot of self help books (List to follow), a 6 year old aspiring VLOG STAR,  Yoga (Yoga is your friend) and a mama who at the end of it all has somehow managed to stumble and fall into the love of her life.

Twenty14 will go down in history as the worst of the worst and the best of the best year of my life.  But the one thing that has remained consistent  through the highs and the lows is the smile Blondie McBlonderson has the ability to effortlessly put on my face EVERY single day.  I really must have done something right in a previous lifetime to be blessed with someone as extraordinary as her.

Lesson of the day: You can't make reason out of the unreasonable.

xo
Jess

Grade 1

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree and I couldn't be more proud.  I am the Mama of this grade one unique, confident, independent, creative, thoughtful, chatty, funny, hardworking, motivated, inventive, sassy pants, beautiful little big girl.

#mamalife #attitudeofgratitude #ilovebeinghermama

xo
Jessy & Bella

Almost 6...SIX!

My baby is turning 6 this week...SIX. She has been my constant source of love & light and reminds me every day what is exceptional about our world. With each year that passes I am reminded that the one constant in this life is Change. Her genuine, innocent heart serves as a daily reminder that unconditional love exists. Her stubborn attitude reminds me to fight for what and who I believe in. Her love of learning and natural gifts remind me that constant learning and growth are crucial. Her confidence, smile and laugh remind me that my love of being her Mama matters and makes a difference in more than just her world. Without a shadow of a doubt, she is my baby, my big little girl, my best friend and my inspiration...because of her I am a better person and with her I will continue to learn and evolve into the best me that I can possibly be. Thank you Bella for choosing me...and thank you god for the best gift I was ever given. Thank you to her Dad, and my coparent, for being the other half of the creation and love of this amazing little girl. And, of course, thank you to the team of exceptional people in our life who participate in the love and growth of this little beaner.

 

 

 

 

Summer meltdown...

I blinked and somehow it's now August 28th and summer is almost over? What? How does that happen?  I remember being a little girl on summer vacation and summer seemed to be endless, I mean summer vacation took up at least half the year back then right?  As the years have passed and I've become a parent myself, the days, weeks, months, summers and winters seem to be whipping by quicker than I can comprehend. One day it's summer, the next it's Christmas then it's another birthday for me and my girl and another year has passed.  We spend so much time trying to grow up too fast and rushing everything in our young, naive lives of innocence and then we end up where I stand today as a 37 year old working Mama of a 5.5 year old little girl who would do anything to slow down time so I could cherish every single second of it.

We had such high hopes of a long list of summer activities again this summer, but due to my popularity (AHEM) busy work schedule and custody schedule and attempting to be fit/healthy schedule combined with Kent's busy work schedule and fitness routine not alot got accomplished on the list.  A few highlights from this summer:

• In June I gave up candy. Yes for realz. For anyone who really knows me they know Candy is like my crack. Laugh all you want but if I eat one piece, you might as well hand me a needle....it's that addictive for me. I'm 81 days clean and the cravings for candy are gone. Oh I want it, but my body isn't dieing for it anymore. My moods have stabilized, I don't want to cry at the site of sugar and my desire to knock down small children to steal candy from their innocent little hands has subsided. Anabella was a true supporter as she was brought on board as a tattle tail and to tell me not to eat the candy if I was tempted...She was a trooper! (Day 81 today and going strong.) 
• Anabella learned to swim.  Correction. Anabella taught herself how to swim.  No joke! Apparently deciding to live in a condo that has a beautiful outdoor pool that we use all summer long was a smart choice.  After spending so much time in the pool in a life jacket, then water wings, then ring and watching all the other kids swim without life jackets she just bit the bullet and decided to swim and each day she got stronger and stronger and now I'm convinced she's actually part MERMAID. That's right, I have my very own little live in mermaid.  She can swim across the pool underwater, with her arms at her side, her eyes wide open and only using her body and legs. It's magical to watch and I couldn't be more proud of her.  (I STILL can't jump in the water without plugging my nose, but Anabella assures me she will teach me how to do it one day when I feel brave enough!)
  
  
  
  
• Anabella completed her "Acting, Singing, Dancing" class and did her first performance in front of an audience in Alice in Wonderland. Of course she was adorable and perfect and remembered every single move and dance. I was one proud Mama and I was proud that her Dad and I are at a point where we can happily attend these events to show our love and support to her together with our significant others.  (A real modern day family fairytale;-))
  
 
• July long weekend we spent the weekend in Sooke Marina Resort for Kent's family reunion...our first one...which turned out to be a ton of fun for all involved.  Anabella has some new little "cousins" in law and the weather was perfect.  We are lucky to be surrounded by such a great extension of family through Kent and I never take that for granted. (I love that man!!!)
  
  
  
  
  
  
• At the end of July Kent and I were lucky enough to escape on our own for a weekend away in Bellevue and Seattle. A kid less, relaxing, weekend of shopping, spending, eating, and sleeping...and sleeping...and sleeping. (Enough said)
• August long weekend Anabella & I took a "girls only" trip to the island to spend time with my family and we loved every single second of pool time and barbecues and campfires and late night talks and marshmallow roasts and s'mores and late night giggles. (You can take a girl off the island but you can't take the island out of the girl!)
  
  
  
  
  
  
• GOAL CRUSHED! I am so proud to say I happily crushed one of my goals this summer and ran/walked the lululemon seawheeze half marathon. You read right! 21.2 km! My goal was to complete (even if I had to crawl) and I had planned to walk it and ended up running a big chunk of it with walking intervals. It was long, it was challenging, and I can safely say I was experiencing one of my first runners high's. Being surrounded by so many inspirational people and so many encouraging lululemon Cheer stations definitely woke up the runner inside me. Kent, my hero, ran it in 1 hour and 42 minutes. My time? 3 hours and 15 minutes. BUT I FINISHED! SUCCESS! Next year, I'm going to train for it and kick that time's arse;-) (One of the best days of my life spent with new friends, old friends, best friends, and like minded people who make me want to be the best I can be and encourage me to reach for the stars!)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

 

 

• At the end of August Anabella's cousins and Auntie (my sister and 3 of her 4 kids) came over for three days and we made our one and only trip to Playland.  Which lasted a total of about 3 hours before the kids were sweaty, hopped up on sugar, whining and begging to go back to our place and jump into our pool.  After spending a total of about $330.00 for us all to enter Playland and then an additional $80.00 on food and snacks, it wasn't the grown ups first choice, but since the sound of a 4 children whining in the hot summer heat far outweighs any benefit of  putting in the time and getting our money's worth, we swiftly exited and went straight to the pool.  (Kids=1 Parents=0. What can we say? We were weak and outnumbered!)

• I did my first sugar detox. Not just candy. ALL sugar.  I read the book "The Sugar Detox", by Brooke Alpert, MS, RD CDN & Patricia Farris, MD, FAAD and it changed my life.  I'm on day 24 of the detox and I feel better than ever! Added bonus? I lost 6 pounds.  Now don't get me wrong, it was challenging the first week but each day and each week gets easier.  This Friday will be my last day because for the September long weekend this Saturday....(NEXT challenge? Gluten free.)
• For the September long weekend Kent and I are flying to Calgary to attend a close friend from high school's wedding! YAY TRACY & PETE! SO EXCITED! We'll visit good friends, spend time with his family, go to the wedding and fly back two days later! Quick and efficient and back in time for.....
• This is Anabella's very last summer in pre-school because come September 4th my little girl is officially in KINDERGARTEN! Officially a student of the school of hard knocks. Officially somewhere where I can't protect her from the reality of all kids being different and some not being as outgoing and nice.  I can only hope that the love, security and confidence we've raised  her with along with  her strong morals, character and kindness will outshine any pressure she feels and will help guide her to be stand confidently and not follow the crowd and to always be one of the NICE GIRLS.  (Woot. Sob. Sniff. Tears. Happiness. I don't think I could be more proud if I tried...I'm so lucky to be the Mama of such a unique, real, honest, sassy, creative, smart, opinionated, stubborn, compassionate, loving and authentic little "city girl" who will always be reminded about her "island girl" roots.)
  

Jessica & Bella xo