smile when it hurts...



My beautiful sister at the beginning of her battle
 

My sister is sick.  My baby sister (11 years my junior) is not just sick, she is battling the fight of her life against this bastard you may have heard of once or twice named "Cancer".  It sickens me to even type that word, let alone feel the taste of disgust when it's slipping off my tongue.  No matter how many times I wake up each morning with the jolting shock of our reality, it still doesn't seem real or believable and it's NEVER going to be fair or okay.

My sister Robbie is 27 years old. WTF? Seriously?  She is the most extraordinary, beautiful, kind, loyal, thoughtful, loving, selfless, peaceful and "wise beyond her years" woman I have EVER had the privilege of knowing, not to mention the blessing of being able to call someone as graceful as her my sister.  She is the calm in our family. She is the referee in our family battles. She is the comedian at our gatherings. She is the fainting birth coach at our births.  She is the "swoop in and save the day" savior when we are sick.  She is the Super Auntie Extraordinaire to our kids.  She is the sister #3 to our our original #2. She is the reminder of Kindness. She is the glue.

#teamrobbie #teamauntierobbie

When Robbie was born, her crib was in my room.  As an 11 year old who LOVED babies, I thought I hit the jackpot when she came along.  I loved that baby girl like nothing I'd ever loved before.  As she grew and started escaping the confines of her baby jail crib, she would crawl into my bed with me every-single-night until finally when she was 2 years old, my parents took pity on my moody teenage self and our "special situation", and bought me a  new  day bed with an extra pull out bed underneath just for her. For my entire high school career, my little sister slept every night in my room, if not right in my bed with me. (For those who know me well, you now know why I'm such a gigantic cuddler to this very day). For my entire high school career, I picked her up at daycare and babysat her after school.  To say Robbie is just a sister would be the biggest understatement ever.

Christmas Magic

• Have you ever helplessly watched someone you love, suffer every day for 206 days (and counting)?
• Have you ever tried to make reason out of something that is clearly unreasonable?
• Have you ever woken up and relived your WORST nightmare over and over and OVER again....and then pull up your big girl pants, slap on your happy face and go to the office every day?
• Have you ever had to shelter a 6 year old from the sadness, pain and shocking reality of cancer?
• Have you ever had to decorate for Christmas, do the shopping, listen to Christmas music, continue the magic traditions, all while you want to curl into a ball and shut out the world?
• Have you ever had to commute to and from the island every single weekend for months and months on end to be with the people you love the most and support the courageous girl who is brave enough to attempt to kick cancer in the f%ckin face, all the while Cancer is fighting back with the power of a demon?
• Have you ever had to smile when it hurts over and over and over again?

 Welcome to the past 206 days of my life (who's counting)....and I'd do it over and over and over again, just to be with my sister Robbie for ANY spare second of any day. Just to sit beside her while she sleeps or be there when she's awake and wants to chat or look at Forever21 on line and shop from bed. Just to make my daughter's life happy and normal  (whatever that even is anymore) in her 6 year old innocent little world. 



Three...we will always be three.

My sister is my hero. She is courageous and she has faced this battle with grace and dignity. She is deserving of so much MORE than what she has been given  and this will never make sense to me.  She is my inspiration and my blessing. We have an older sister Tracy who cares for Robin every single day (Thank you Tracy for doing what so many sisters couldn't and for being the sister I wish I could be to her every day)...and that makes us a team of three.  Cancer has f%cked with the wrong 3 sisters.

My prayer for my beautiful sister: 
"God...Give her comfort. Give her kindness. Give her love. Give her dignity. Give her courage. Give her strength. Give her clarity. Give her an appetite. Give her relief. Give her a smile. Give her warmth. Give her peace. Please."

My words for Cancer:  F%ck You.

xo
Jess

Blessed