Priceless lessons and life moments or something like that....

A couple weeks ago, after another long week of Super Mama life (aka early morning terrorist negotiations with my 9 year old, before school care drop offs, pick ups, long ass commutes, dinner, activities, bath time and then finally my favorite moment of Super Mama life BED TIME) I crawled into bed to find Anabella there.  She quickly made a point to turn her back to me and stick her bum out as if to say, "don't touch me".  I lean over to ask her what's wrong only to get a curt response of "nothing"......then again...and the same.  Wait, am I married to my 9 year old now???? 

Anyways, I proceed to ask her again and we go back and forth until finally exasperated I say, "You know what Anabella? You can be mad at me all you want to be, but you can not be mad at me and sleep in my bed beside me. SO let's get you tucked into your bed."  That of course lead to more debates until finally I turn over and just curtly say, "Good night Anabella. I love you no matter what but I sure don't like it when you be so lippy to your Mama. It hurts my feelings."

About 10 minutes of silence and no sleeping later, I hear a whisper from the other side of the bed, "Mama, I'm sorry", to which I quickly respond, "Bella, what are you sorry for?" to which Bella responds, "I'm really sorry for being so lippy and hurting your feelings."  GOD BLESS YOU CHILD YOU HAVE A CONSCIENCE was my last thought as we quickly snuggled to sleep.

The next morning on the way to school it occurred to me, I wonder if Anabella even knows what "Lippy" means?  as its a word my Dad used in my childhood and I rarely ever use.  Well, this is how that conversation went and this was a very valuable Mama lesson for me:

Me: "Anabella, last night when you said you were SORRY for being lippy....do you know what Lippy means?"

Anabella: "No. What does Lippy mean Mom?"

Me: "Anabella, you don't know what Lippy means?! It means cheeky or argumentative or not being nice to your Mom.  Why would you say Sorry for something if you didn't know what it meant?"

Anabella: "Because YOU said I was being Lippy and then you were upset, so I said Sorry for being Lippy."

Me: Crucial Mama Lesson Moment. "Anabella.  Look at my eyes right now!.  I don't want you EVER again in your lifetime to apologize to anyone for something you don't understand. No matter how upset Mommy or Daddy or your teachers or anyone is...always ask questions so you can understand. THEN you can apologize if you think it's the right thing to do."

This happens all the time and we don't even  realize it as parents.  When Anabella was a toddler I always used to say, "Step on it Freddy", to get her to walk a little faster.  Finally when she was about 3.5 years old she  turned to me one day and said, "I'm trying Mama,  but what am I supposed to STEP ON?".  Priceless. Makes me laugh to this day when I think  about that moment.

To all my new Mama's out there: Pay Attention.

Our babies do what we say without fully understanding it. They apologize without fully comprehending what they should be apologizing for.  I'm so much more aware now to ensure Anabella or any other child around me understands things and doesn't just try to be a people pleaser by following direction.  I want to raise a child who comprehends and  leads others, not just a child who does as she's told and follows direction regardless of comprehension. 

I love being her Mama and I'm so grateful for the little laughs and the life lessons she continues to teach me every day of our life together. 

Love,
Jess + Bella

Co-parenting 101 -- Tip #2 -- Check it AND fast...

CO-PARENTING TIP #2:

 

C H E C K   Y O U R  E G O  A T  T H E  D O O R... and fast! Like YESTERDAY lightning fast.  

 

When your whole life is quickly spiraling out of control and your feet have been kicked out from under you like nothing you have every experienced; all while you have one, two, three or more children of varying ages hanging off your hip, leg, or any other body part they can clasp onto, it becomes very hard to not PANIC and let your once unseen little friend "Ego" take over. No matter how kind, centered, loving, grateful or hormonally balanced you are, ALL of these thoughts will start going through your mind (and more):

 

• What the F*ck? How could he/she not know how lucky he/she is?
• OMG! This is NOT happening  to us. We are not the couple who gets Divorced.
• How am I going  to face (Insert 5 million names here) _______________?
• This can not be happening to us, we have such an amazing CRACKBOOK life!
• I know he/she's cheating! I will KILL them BOTH.
• Who the F*ck does He/She think He/She is?  I'm going to make his/her life HELL.
• I'm NOT paying Him/Her one single Penny.
  (And for the women out there who think they never have to pay an ex husband, who clearly makes more money than you, anything? I had to pay my ex-husband $100.00/month for gas money -- for the 4.5 years that I didn't have a car -- because he worked from home, 10 minutes from our daughters daycare and school, and agreed to do all daycare/school drop off and pick ups because I worked downtown and couldn't get to her in time via transit. Don't  EVER assume anything! AND I'M NOT UPSET. I'm grateful he was able to do that for her.)
• I'm going to take Him/Her for everything he/she is worth!
• If he/she thinks he/she is going to see MY baby he/she is in for a RUDE awakening!

Now here is where I can help you.  You need to know, you will think all of the above,  BUT: You DO NOT need to act upon them.  In fact this is my version of me being your very best friend and throwing my entire body in front of you to STOP you from doing it. 

What you SHOULD do is this:

Stop. Breath. Reflect. Cry. Scream. Do not worry about what other people will think. Do not worry about a year from now. Stay in TODAY.

Write yourself a letter. Talk to your sister. Get in the bath. Go play golf.
Let yourself think and feel all the REAL gut wrenching, confusing GROWN UP feelings that come along with your Ego friend for at least a good week!
 

DO NOT send a 10 page email full of accusations (without proof).

DO NOT utter threats and scream and yell in front of your children (Ever).
DO NOT record conversations with your soon to be ex without his/her consent.

DO NOT install spy software on your soon to be ex's computer. (Yes this shit happens every dam day)

And the MOST important of all, DO NOT do any of the above or  talk to other people about the situation while under the same roof as YOUR children. 

Key words here: YOUR Children. As in two of you. As in Dads AND Moms.  As in it took the two of you laying down together and conceiving them. As in NOT JUST YOURS. (As much as you wish they were just yours in that moment in time, there will be a day that comes where you are happily shipping them off to your co-parents house...I promise!)

 

Children are waaaaay to smart for their own  dam good. Even in the best of circumstances where you are the worlds greatest actor/actress (I like to credit myself here as Oscar worthy...just saying) and  you don't say one single bad word in front of them or shed even one single tear  of sadness, THEY WILL FEEL IT.  Our babies know when something is different. They feel when we are upset or hurt or angry. Even without hearing one word. And when or if  you do slip up and say the words, they will hear E V E R Y T H I N G.

Even when you think they're asleep with the white noise machine one, and they're two floors away from you, and the music is on and the washing machine is running, and the bathtub is filling up while you whisper through your phone to your sister.... oh yah, make no mistake their super powered little ears will hear every - single - little - word.

 

I could go on for  days here, but to keep to the point: Check your ego at the door. You have to remove the ego (aka all of the above thoughts) and focus on the only thing that matters at this point: Your little humans and ensuring you can keep things as normal as possible (each situation drastically varies on this). 

This means:

 

1.  Right off the bat, making sure your kids are having time with both parents. 
2. That while under the same roof as your soon to be ex and immediate co-parent you now refer to the co-parent only as "Mommy" or "Daddy". 
3. Slapping that grand ass smile onto your Super-Parent face and acknowledging "Mommy" or "Daddy" while in the same room together.
4. ENCOURAGING your child to be excited to go with "Mommy" or "Daddy" alone (even when you'd rather poke your eyeballs out with a fork or better yet your Ex's). 
5. Being selfless and putting your little human's happiness and needs well above yours and your ex's.



From the hands of  my little human.

And most importantly, this means letting your little humans continue to be LITTLE and letting the big humans worry about big human problems away from the little humans.  Believe it or not, these little eyes beaming up at you in admiration every day are looking for you to SHOW them how to handle every single thing that life throws at them. They don't know life any other way than how we, as their mentors, lead and guide them. So show them, that it's going to be okay. Show them, that even when life changes and homes change, it is still OKAY.  Show them that even if Mommy and Daddy are under separate roofs and better off friends, that you always both Love them and that it will be OKAY. 

 

Separation and Divorce isn't slowing down in numbers.  It isn't going anywhere. Be the change you want to see in this world and show your children what cooperation, strength, agility, love, selflessness and compassion look like. 

 

Please. Let your little humans enjoy being little humans. Let them stay in LOVE with both parents in a new world. Show them that change is not the end of their world. I'm living this. It works. It's worth it. SHE deserves it. YOU deserve it.

 

Love,

Jess

Disclaimer: For those of you who aren't co-parents and never plan to be a co-parent (FYI, I never planned to be a co-parent either) IGNORE these posts OR you may want to pass this onto your friends who are walking in these separated or divorced shoes. Sadly or maybe happily, in today's world we are all surrounded by co-parenting relationships.  For those of you in the midst of co-parenting or considering the huge life changing decision  of  co-parenting, by no means am I certified expert on this topic but I've certainly learned a plethora of knowledge on the topic first hand during the past 6 years of my co-parenting relationship. If even one thing we do or that I can  share can help your experience go a little smoother, then this Blog post is well worth it for me. 



 

Co-parenting 101 -- Tip #1 -- CHOOSE a new Relationship...

I get a lot of emails, questions and comments about the co-parenting situation that Anabella’s father big daddy DC and I have established together this past 6 years since our divorce.  I get constant comments on my social media feeds about how inspirational we are, how we should teach workshops to other parents,  write a book and how more people should do it like we did.  Hell, even our judge from our two-hour mediation session complimented the both of us on our loving way of handling our co-parenting duty and responsibilities since day ONE of our separation and he looked right at us and said the words:

 “You are the poster child family for how to co-parent the right way.”  

OMG! No pressure there! (Little did the judge know that in those difficult NEW moments, both me and my ex-husband could barely stand to breath the same air as each other let alone smile at each other and share a child!)

Anyone who thinks you can divorce another human “happily” is quite frankly freaking delusional in my eyes.  It doesn’t matter whether both parties “want” the divorce. It doesn’t matter if it was a long time coming or a complete shock.  It doesn’t matter if you were best friends for 100 years prior to your marriage or you got married on your first date.

You CANNOT end a marriage, a family, a union, a life together without feeling a big LOSS…
loss of a friend…
loss of a lover….
loss of a family…
loss of your partner’s family…
loss of a home...
EVEN loss of shared “couple friends”...(don't worry, you realize quickly how much those friends didn't really know you or matter in your life)

And trust me, all of those things WILL happen regardless of what you may think.  There is always something that is lost. Unless you are heartless, and in that case you will feel ZERO loss. Remember having a brand-new baby for the first time and the roller coaster of emotions you had….the highs..the lows...the exhaustion.....the loss of your brain.....it’s like that….but with a shit ton more ANGER and minus the awesome new squishy prize of a tiny baby.  No matter who gets divorced, it is never easy and there is never a right time.  Especially when squishy little humans are involved. Althooooooooough in my personal experience, I’d highly recommend the age of 2.5 years old as an ideal time!

THAT is my story, OUR story, and this is my first blog in a series of blogs to come on on how we did it, DO it and will continue to co-parent out of pure love and adoration for the little, not so little anymore 9 year old  human we both had a hand in creating and bringing into this crazy world.  God chose the both of us to be her parents for a reason…and every day I learn another reason why.

CO-PARENTING TIP #1:  Raising a healthy, happy, balanced, secure and loving little human with another big human (who, let’s be super REAL here, you probably can’t stand for a looooong period of time) in two different homes, with two different bedrooms and two family Christmas’s for the rest of your god given life requires commitment, unconditional love and sacrifice on both of the big human’s parts (that’s you, YOU ARE THE BIG HUMAN).   It is a CHOICE to choose a lifetime of hurt, anger, hate and frustrating moments OR to choose happy.

Ok. Are you ready for the big kicker?  This duty and, frankly, privilege of being a little human’s parent and leading them through life by EXAMPLE requires YOU and your EX to CHOOSE a NEW RELATIONSHIP.  Yes. A  NEW relationship with the person you just ended a relationship with. Co-parenting is not a "situation" that will go away. Co-parenting is choosing a joint venture that requires you to create, build and learn a brand new relationship with someone you "Don't really like" in that moment in time,  based solely on the LOVE of your children. Don't cry. Crazy concept, right?

Selfless Love. Putting your children first. Sacrificing being a right fighter. Realizing that happiness for your kids is more important than fighting over pennies and for god's sake, pull  up your big girl or big boy pants and at bare minimum show some RESPECT to the person who helped create the thing or things you love most in this world.  It means loving your children more than you dislike your ex.  It means realizing the enormity of the job you are privileged to have and showing your children, from a very young age, how to properly handle all that life throws at them.  It means leading  by example and teaching our little humans with our actions and not just our words, showing them that even when life changes and things don't end up how you planned or expected them to, there is ALWAYS room for  love and connection. There is always room for choice. There is always room for Happiness.  CHOOSE HAPPY.

So come on all my fellow BIG HUMANS....pull up your big girl and  big boy pants and lets raise a planet of strong,  loving, stable, happy and loved little humans who will in turn raise another generation of strong, loving, stable, happy and loved little humans. 

WELCOME TO YOUR NEW WORLD OF CREATING AND CHOOSING A HAPPY CO-PARENTING RELATIONSHIP!

FYI, As I type this blog today, my co-parent/ex-husband is upstairs at MY house, delivering flu relief to Anabella and snuggling her.  Just one of the many perks of happily co-parenting our child together.  In fact, his common law partner, may now actually love me for getting him out of their house and giving her some much needed alone time ! Ha. (Bin there, done that!!!!)

Love,
Jess

Disclaimer:  Now let’s be extra clear here, I’m not referring to families coming out of abusive, toxic or severely unhealthy situations where extreme measures need to be taken to protect children.  I’m talking about the “average” non-abusive couple who has kids, who has a family together that they love, but has a relationship with one another that is NOT working and results in a divorce.