One breath...

One look...One hello...One old friend...One breath...One new friend...One birth...One new experience...One death...One smile...One smell...can change everything.


So, this was the weekend....the first weekend that Anabella was going with her Dad for two nights. The first time in her 29 months alive, that we have ever been apart from one another for longer than half a day.  How was I ever going to survive two nights and three days without my "mini-me-attached-at-the-hip-shadow-sidekick"? This was what I thought was going to be the most challenging, sad, horrible, depressing weekend of my entire life....


I was wrong. Yes, I did just say that. I WAS SO WRONG. (Don't mistake that for me not missing my daughter every single second of every single day, because I so did!)


Success #1 was saying goodbye to her with a huge smile on my face and acting "over the top" excited for her...which for the record, I was excited for her to get to see her Daddy, but NOT excited for her to leave Moi. 


Success #2 only shedding a few tears as we drove away. (Although I have to give credit where credit is due and Anabella is the one who made it easy for me, she was so happy and content with her Daddy, that it made it so much easier to walk away from her. No tears. Im still not sure how someone so amazing came out of me...but that's a whole nother' blog for a whole nother' time. And of course my awesome sisters who had my back the whole time.

Success #3 quickly realizing that I need to get my head out of my ass and take advantage of this rare opportunity for ME TIME. I went for a leisurely sushi lunch...and I didn't leave the restaurant covered in noodles and soy sauce for once.  I booked some quality time with my esthetician...god bless the estheticians of the world.  I went TANNING...yes, I know all about cancer, BUT I needed the extra boost of happiness that only the sunshine can give me and the tanning bed was a last resort AND the first time in YEARS, which made it all the much more enjoyable. 


I went out with old but great friends and family and watched my cousins band play, I MAY have drank some wine which may have tasted an extra special amount of yummy and I stayed up ALL night for the first time in like 10 years.  Why? Because I could! Because my beautiful "treasure and a joy" of a daughter was safe and sound and happy with her Dad and I didn't have to wake up in the morning to be a hands on Mama.  I had fun with old friends and I made new ones, I feel more like myself than I have in 4 plus years.  I kinda missed ME.


My sweet girl is home with me again, she had a great weekend with her Dad and his family, she did a ton of quality time stuff with her Dad (the love of her life), has the photos to prove it and is now happily running around screaming and playing with her cousins.


I loves me some island life. I loves me some island folk.  I loves me my roots. I loves me my well-adjusted, happy, loving, loyal, honest little treasure and joy of a daughter.


Simple. Simple. Simple happy life.  


To everyone who helped me smile and endure this one of many "first time" experiences in the co-parenting world...THANK YOU. You rock and my life is better from having you in it.


xo

When I had nothing more to lose...

"When I had nothing more to lose, 

I was given everything.

When I ceased to be someone who I am, 

I found myself.

When I was humiliated and yet I kept on walking,

I realised I was free to choose my own Destiny."

-Paulo Coelho

In case it's not evident...I love quotes. I think life is nothing but a million quotes combined

and it's up to each of us as individuals to decide what we do with them, how WE incorporate 
them into our own lives, and which words we choose to trust and have faith in. 

To me, quotes are priceless nuggets of golden wisdom from people who have lived my life 

and then some, walked in my shoes and a 1000 miles more, and suffered enough pain and 

happiness to be able to recognize that in themselves and be able to pass it on to the rest of us 

who are still in "it". You cannot truly appreciate the happy and good times, if you've never had to 

overcome the difficult and sad.  You cannot ever grow into the person you are truly meant to be, 

if everything is handed to you easily.  You can't learn and grow as a human being, without being 

challenged on every level.  

This past month has been one of the toughest months of my life, and for those of you 

who know me inside and out...THAT is saying a lot.  But SHAW-KING-LY I am still standing, 

still breathing, still smiling, still loving and still laughing at something every single day.  

Through all the pain and challenge,  I have GAINED some amazing strength, courage, 

self knowledge, personal insight, love, and friendships that I didn't even realize 

were missing in my life.

To my secret angels, I owe a million and one thank you's....

To the instigators of my pain, I owe a million and one thank you's....

To the people who make me smile through it all,

I owe a million and one thank you's...

To the person listening to my ramblings and prayers, 

I owe you a million and one thank you's...

To the love of my life, the instigator of my self truth, 

the creator of my self love, and the believer of my nakedness, Anabella,
I owe you a million and one thank you's....

I wanted you before I conceived you, 

I loved you before I felt you, 

I knew you before I saw you, and I will spend every second of every minute of every day 
of every week of every month of every year, giving back to you ALL that you have given to me and MORE.
So blessed in so many ways....

I've learned a lot about Courage....

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but simply moving on with dignity despite that fear."

Now those are some powerful, truthful words if I've ever heard them.  

I've learned a lot of things in the recent weeks....

I would rather live a lifetime of  morals, values, happiness, trust, DIGNITY, 

pride, faith, safety and unconditional love with empty pockets than.....

I would rather be surrounded by honest, loving, genuine, real, 

not perfect people than....

I would rather be alone with my girl than....

That people who don't have to care about me and my daughter, 

have proven through BOTH words AND actions (there's a concept!!!) 
that they do....

That the people who are "supposed" to care have shown exactly 

how much they don't....

That sometimes blood is NOT thicker than water....

That my daughter and me do not need THINGS to make us happy..

In fact we're at our happiest when things are simplistic....

That even on my worst, saddest, most heartbreaking and 

painful days my sweet girl can still make me smile and laugh...

That people come into your life when you least expect 

for a purpose every time...

That it's okay to cry...

That it's okay to be sad...

That it's okay to be scared...

That it's okay to tell the truth...

That it's okay to accept help....

That it's okay to need help...

That it's okay to feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders...

That  I AM NOT ALONE (no matter how alone I feel) and....

That every day will get easier and happier and happier 

and happier until my "old" life is a distant memory in our new life......

To all my secret angels....I owe you one.

xo

A quote or a life-line....

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but simply moving on with dignity despite that fear."

Now those are some powerful, truthful words if I've ever heard them.  

We love you Robin.

Illusions...

Thought of the day....xo

"Illusion never changes into something real."

Some days are harder...

Some days are harder than others, today is one of those days. A picture (Or 2 or 3) is worth a 1000 words....

Care, concern and compliments....

As I mentioned in earlier blogs, I have been so blessed to be surrounded by strong, encouraging, supportive, loving people in my life now and throughout my entire life.  Below are a few examples of the kind words, encouragement and unconditional love I have received on this blogging journey. In respect of other people's rights to privacy, I have not included names. IF you are reading this and wish for your supportive words to be removed from the eyes of my blog readers...please contact me and I will remove them immediately.   And from me and my girl to all of you...Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You DO make a difference in our life. xo

• “Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go.” -JCL

• Love your blogs, just read them.. stay strong :) you are an incredible woman & mother... and that's all you need to be, if you aren't accepted for whatever "faults" others see in you just remember there is someone who could see them as a positive thing, not look negatively on you for them.. find appreciation in why you have them :) -ER

• Jess, you are amazing. Thanks for all the wonderful things that you write. You are truly an inspiration, and I love reading your blog :) -CS

• I only know you through facebook but from what I gather you seem like one hell of a strong woman with so many friend's & family who love, cherish and adore you :-) Sometime's people do not know how strong they actually are until they are faced with something. I know that from experience. -AP

• I just wanted to let you know that your blogs are amazing! So inspirational and empowering. The "One day" one made me cry because I could relate soo much. You definately have such a talent and as I am reading you can see how special and amazing you are as a person and as a writer. I don't even know you as a person anymore and all I can see is that you are sooo loved by your friends, your smart, talented, strong, beautiful, kind, loving mother, in the things you write.... keep on inspiring because I know many people look forward to the things you write and can relate on some many levels ♥ Don't ever change who you are because so many people love you for you. -CB

• Hey, I try to read your blog as often I as can!!! I know we don't really know each other, but from what I do know, you are an amazing woman and mother!! Your daughter is very lucky to have you, as are your friends and family!!! Just thought you should know!!! -MGB

• I have happened upon your blog and what you are going through via the "information highway"....Facebook is a blessing in that it aids our ability to 'reconnect' with past friends and keep in touch with the goings ons of one anothers life...and yet there is a certain 'dis-connect' to it as all this is done from a 'safe distance'...and we can never truly know what journey we are each going through unless we are brave and amongst our 'stats', we really lay our heart out there.  Jess...when I knew you in person and now through pictures...please know that you have always had and always will have a radiance that shines from your heart's core out through your eyes and your smile and your way of being...no one can ever take that from you...and your beautiful daughter has been gifted with it too! You both 'glow'! I send you hugs, strength, and some words to just say.."you go girls!" You are loved. -JH

• "Every woman had to have something which singles her out, which catches the eye, which makes her the center of attention." via Phillipa Gregory - MM

• So I just wanted to tell you that I am in europe now but before I left I was able to catch a couple of your blog entries and they are fantastic! I love em, I don't have acces to computer here but I will definately follow them when I return and you have inspired me to start thinking of blogging myself! I have always always loved and been intrigued with writing since I was very small and you are right it is such a good outlet. Anyways just wanted to let you know that, always nice when someone tell you you have inspired them :) take care hope all is well! -AD

• Also I read some of your blogs and just loved the one you wrote about the healthy eating and it inspired me to clean up my diet-- mainly just cutting out the Starbucks and fast food... and I'll let u know that I've lost over 5 lbs since! So THANKS!! -LF

• I know we don't really know one another but from your status updates i can tell you are going through a lot and i'm sorry to hear that. You are a strong, confident, independant woman and i know you will be ok. Everything in this life happens for a reason, therefore, just look after you and that adorable daughter of yours and everything will be ok. One day at a time my dear is all you need to focus on right now. i'm sure you have a great support system that surrounds you and remember that you are loved very much and even when you feel at times that you are alone, you never are....:) -SW

• I was just reading your blog ( Walk in my Shoes) and I do have to say hun that you have so much talent! Your are truely an amazing writer! You should write a book! Hope all is well with you and your sweet little bean!~Miss ya! -LG

• Life throws s us so many loop holes....but I know your a strong women...you can over come anything you just need to stay focused to what's most important to you. Remember that this is your life and you know whats best for you! Stay strong Jess, you have some much love around you! -LG

• Be true to yourself, and dont doubt for one second that you arent skinny enough, beautiful enough, hot enough, smart enough, funny enough...because as long as you are YOU, you are all of those things...TRUST ME!!!! I think you are one of the most beautiful people I know! You are funny, savvy, trendy, have a gorgeous smile, and Bella is a lucky girl to have such a passionate momma ♥ Who doesnt settle for ANYTHING but the best ♥ So I guess the point of this msg, is just to say that we all have our ups and downs, we all feel the need to hang our heads low of fear of judgement of others...but in the end...its you inside your own head, and fuck the rest of em' ♥ Be proud and remember to smile beauty ;) and perfection will never come as long as we search for it ;) -ES

• Well I have not seen you since highschool, it is amazing how time flies by. I just wanted to send a quick message and say thank you. Your blog is amazing, and as for me it is exactly how i feel too at this moment. Life is hrd, and i am not going to change who i am, because who i have become, is really a great, loving mother, friend, and person. can see your strength, and the wonderful strong mother you are, just by your words and smile. Jess it is amazing, how incredible your words, have lifted me this past week, to know i am nt alone is even greater. Again thank you. Incase no one has told you yet to today..Hunny you shine, and anyone would be lucky to have you..Just for being you!! -CD

• I don't know whats going on with you and it's none of my business as we only have a ferry ride 2 years ago to share but you are a beautiful person inside and out and you have the world in the palm of your hands so it's all good! If you ever need anything just give me a shout :-) -AI

• I love you ! I love you just the way you are ... In the moment of crazy, in the moment of hurt,in the laughing moments and in the crying times, I mean the snooooot outta the nose too .. Whatever I can do let me know but my ears are big, my shoulders strong :) Prayers for peace. -LK

• I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time right now. Sometimes I feel like I am sort of "creeping" your life. Reading your blogs, seeing your status updates, looking at how amazing you are and how beautiful your little bean is. I just want you to know that you are an inspiration to me, as a mother and a truly beautiful person. I know I haven't seen you in years and even in the past we were not that close but being a part of your life on facebook gives me a little smile everyday. I hope that things will get better for you no matter which way it all goes. Stay strong! Thanks for letting me in to your world.♥ -JA

• Hugs. Living a similar bad dream. I like the way you write about it! -AJ

• Just want to tell you once again how much I love you. You are a strong, beautiful, kind, loving friend and momma!! Keep your chin up babe! -CH

• I'd like to add that you have the sexiest eyebrows on the planet! how on earth do you do that ;) in all seriousness though...thinking of you xox You have some really awesome people in your life, you are truely blessed to have such great friends who talk openly to you, and LOVE you wholeheartedly. -ES

• Ur a wonderful person in my life and always will be... Whatever you do, just don't change who you are.....If someone's gonna love you, it's gotta be for the person you are, not who they want you to be. -PG

MORE TO COME...

Laugh like you'll never laugh again....

Two reasons to keep on smiling....Anabella and because you can't appreciate how great it feels to laugh THIS hard if you haven't cried that hard too....you have to go through the bad to appreciate the great.....

Turns out there was an easy way all along...

So, going through a separation and pending divorce pretty much sucks arse, especially when you're someone who doesn't enter into marriage lightly AND has a beautiful innocent little girl you have to spend every waking minute worrying about.  The icing on the cake? Living under the same roof with your husband turned enemy co-parent.

I wonder if there's a way to make this a much more pleasant, positive and happy experience in my life? Oh wait, I knoooooow how I can make it easier...follow his advice and "Remove the emotion" from the situation.  OH YAH, that's reallllly going to happen because there is absolutely no emotion a woman and Mama-bear would be feeling through this life changing situation right?  Is it me? Or do men have the LUXURY, gift and ability to just flick a switch and turn it all off that us women just weren't born with?  Seriously, who can do that shite?

I've been stretching, scouring, and praying for any little positive ounce of anything that can come from this experience.....with some Shaw-KING results.

1) If you want to easily and effortlessly lose weight and do a detox...separation and divorce,  is soooo the way to go. Easiest diet ever.

2) If you want to find out who your true friends are and be amazed that you have great friends you didn't even realize noticed or cared about you in their lives? "Sep & Div" is the way to go. (yah, I said Sep & Div, why not give it a nice little slang twist...it's a part of me now, after all.)

3) If you want to find out what people really think about the man you committed to spending the rest of your life with and had a baby with? "Sep & Div"...foooor sure.

4) If you want to have a reason to be over the moon that you are a WOMAN? "Sep & Div".  Holy moly batman, the amount of women who have stopped in their own busy days to email me, phone me, come see me, check on me and our daughter and be there for me UNCONDITIONALLY...is mind boggling. Women really do stick together and it's during the hard stuff that you realize just how important that is. THANK YOU LADIES!

5) If you want to stop believing and attracting negativity and start attracting amazing new people into your life? "Sep & Div" is the way to go.

If you want to feel no pain or hurt or sadness or frustration or annoyance or anger or disgust or shame or embarrassment then DON'T "Sep & Div". It wouldn't be a good fit.

Ramble of the day...complete.

xo

My strength...

My strength...
My heart...
My constant...
My air...
My reason for being....
My reason for smiling...
My reason for balance....
My reason for wanting more...
My reasonS for knowing how great love really is...

Bella & her two cousins who are her BFF's for life....

Anabella's photo of her Mama ... she loves taking photos...

Have you ever stood naked...

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."

I love my family despite their/our imperfections....or maybe FOR their imperfections who make them each individually who they are. We are waaaaay too much drama. We are full-on emotion in every direction, duck or you'll get hit with it at least once in your life.  


Two parents together since they were 15 and had their first baby a week after my Mom turned 17 and STILL together.  Should they be? Who knows...but one thing is for sure Richard & April are 100% devoted to each other, through every high, low, death, birth, storm, kink, and hurricane life throws in their path.  Raising three daughters: First my sister Tracy Mae, 5 years later came Jessica April(MEEEE!) and 11 years later came Robin Ida Ashley who despite the obvious age differences we are all best friends. We ALL have each others backs. Now that says something.


We love each others friends and spouses and partners and most importantly children, like they are our own.  Cross one of us, cross all of us....but one thing is for sure, if you LOVE us and show kindness to US, we will give you the shirt off our back...even if it means we're standing naked. 


Have you ever stood naked?


xoxo

A note from a wise old friend....

Just wanted to share ONE of a zillion notes I received from my amazing friends/family:

"Ur a wonderful person in my life and always will be... Whatever you do, just don't change who you are.....If someone's gonna love you, it's gotta be for the person you are, not who they want you to be."

I am so, so lucky for so many positive people all around me, it's like my own little surrogate mama arms wrapped around me and carrying me through the crap....while my own mama can't.

I thank you for me. I thank you for my equally blessed daughter.

Thank you. 

Thank you.

A million times Thank you.

xoxo

Deep down...

I guess for me, deep down, I've known things weren't great but I always just hoped and hung on for things to get better...

One day, it would be perfect. 

One day, when I am enough it will be better. 

One day, when I have the career he thinks I should have, it will be better. 

One day, when I magically erase all bad things I've gone through and overcome, it will be better.

One day, when I no longer have ANY health issues, it will be better.

One day, when I am thinner and hotter, it will be better. 

One day, when I am less emotional, it will be better.  

One day, when I am less sensitive, it will be better. 

One day, when my sense of humor has morphed into his, it will be better.  

One day, when he's out every night with his friends and no longer has to see much of me, it will be better.

One day, when I am not from the family that he thinks is so dramatic and involved, I will be better. 

One day, when I learn to keep my mouth shut and stop having opinions, it will be better. 

One day, when I stop having facebook or blogging and sharing who I am, it will be better.  

One day, when I am the woman he thinks I should be instead of the woman I am, it will be better. 

One day, it will all be better I just might have to twist outside of myself and into someone else and become dead inside to make it happen.

I've come to realize a lot and "One day" isn't going to come. Most of those changes are IMPOSSIBLE. What am I? Super-human? It's hard enough being Super-Mama but Super-human AS WELL? Holy hell in a hand bag.  I've made an "overnight" amazing new lifer friend who's a bit of a "HOPELESS WINGNUT" and has shared with me some "SHAW-KING" views and opinions and life stories; all the while without even trying, reminding me A LOT about myself and who I truly am in my core being. (To be clear, I've mad a few amazing new friends who I know will be lifers, and you ALL know who you are, but this particular friend has helped me get through one of the hardest days of my life with a laugh and a smile....and who the hell knew THAT was even possible?! )

Fuel is so necessary. Fuel is keeping me alive. Fuel comes in so many forms. I need me some fuel right about now. Time to wake up and smell the roses or SMELL something!

Balance...

It's all about the balance...the evil and the good....the angel and the devil.....the giving and the receiving....the good and the bad...the happy and the sad...the serious and the sarcasm.....the laughing so hard you wanna pee your pants and the crying so hard you become dehydrated.....the comforts and the sacrifices.....the healthy and the treats....the addict and the recovery......the motivation and the lazy days....the love and the anger....


Is anyone ever really balanced? Is it even possible? Ying and Yang? For reals? What I do know and have learned in my many years alive...balance can ONLY be found within yourself for yourself. You can not love another human being until you fully love yourself. You can not fully love yourself until you find a happy balance within.  You have to work for it. You have to search for it. It will not be handed to you in a little blue bag..he he...just sayin....it has to be discovered and worked for by each individual being on your own.  And if you're SUPER lucky, like a certain little girl I know (don't want to name names but her name starts with an Ana and ends with a bella) you'll grow up with parents who teach you and instill it in you from birth...so that you know no other life besides a balanced one.


Balance...god dam balance.


My wish for Anabella: To be a happy, content, loving, well balanced toddler, child, girl, and woman long before she ever tries to share herself and her life with another human being.  The good news is, I think we're on the right track. I'm so proud of my sweet bean.

Om Navah Shivaya

Om Navah Shivaya
Om Navah Shivaya
Om Navah Shivaya
Om Navah Shivaya
Om Navah Shivaya
Om Navah Shivaya

HealthIER Recipe of the day: Authentic Italian Tomato Sauce to die for...

(Me attempting to roll & cut fresh noodles from scratch)

Words of wisdom: It's not what I say that you need to worry about, it's what I don't say...

Some strong words for some strong and amazing women I know, that are also the lyrics to one of my favorite songs...

Every time I turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather I can feel you always shuttin' down.
And when I need an explanation for the silence, you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.
What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear, we're at a crossroads here...
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done.
Let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
With you I've always been wide open, like a window or an ocean. There is nothing I've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin' I start thinkin' that we're lookin', we're lookin' at goodbye.
How about a strong shot of honesty, don't you owe that to me...
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done.
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.
Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph, someone who used to make you laugh.
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then I guess we're done, let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.
 
Thank you Reba!
"Consider me Gone." - Reba McEntire