Deep down...

I guess for me, deep down, I've known things weren't great but I always just hoped and hung on for things to get better...

One day, it would be perfect. 

One day, when I am enough it will be better. 

One day, when I have the career he thinks I should have, it will be better. 

One day, when I magically erase all bad things I've gone through and overcome, it will be better.

One day, when I no longer have ANY health issues, it will be better.

One day, when I am thinner and hotter, it will be better. 

One day, when I am less emotional, it will be better.  

One day, when I am less sensitive, it will be better. 

One day, when my sense of humor has morphed into his, it will be better.  

One day, when he's out every night with his friends and no longer has to see much of me, it will be better.

One day, when I am not from the family that he thinks is so dramatic and involved, I will be better. 

One day, when I learn to keep my mouth shut and stop having opinions, it will be better. 

One day, when I stop having facebook or blogging and sharing who I am, it will be better.  

One day, when I am the woman he thinks I should be instead of the woman I am, it will be better. 

One day, it will all be better I just might have to twist outside of myself and into someone else and become dead inside to make it happen.

I've come to realize a lot and "One day" isn't going to come. Most of those changes are IMPOSSIBLE. What am I? Super-human? It's hard enough being Super-Mama but Super-human AS WELL? Holy hell in a hand bag.  I've made an "overnight" amazing new lifer friend who's a bit of a "HOPELESS WINGNUT" and has shared with me some "SHAW-KING" views and opinions and life stories; all the while without even trying, reminding me A LOT about myself and who I truly am in my core being. (To be clear, I've mad a few amazing new friends who I know will be lifers, and you ALL know who you are, but this particular friend has helped me get through one of the hardest days of my life with a laugh and a smile....and who the hell knew THAT was even possible?! )

Fuel is so necessary. Fuel is keeping me alive. Fuel comes in so many forms. I need me some fuel right about now. Time to wake up and smell the roses or SMELL something!