To baby or not to baby....

To baby or not to baby...THAT is the big question.

I'm completely convinced now that the day you become a  Mother  you are not only handed over a little screaming pink bundle of baby joy but a set of "super powers" as well.  A little "Mama Power" called the block out.

How else can you explain forgetting every bad part of pregnancy the minute you give birth and then forgetting how bad labour really was and then forgetting how hard the first month with a new infant in your house, life and family really is?  When your first baby turns 2, you suddenly forget exactly how hard it was to live with a combination of hormones, sleep deprivation, a new baby and a husband.  It's at that point that life for your toddler AND you starts to get easier and a little more normalized and then the more independent your perfect first born miracle becomes it get's even easier. Which then brings you into a new found freedom zone where you start thinking, "Maybe one more wouldn't be so bad after all." or "How can I not give my daughter a sister or brother to grow up with." or "Our family just doesn't feel quite complete yet." or "I could totally go through labour again, no problem." or "I totally miss my baby belly and being pregnant."


Somewhere deep down, I do remember the "reality" of all of those things...but I've masked it with my mama glow and baby fever.  I know that pregnancy isn't all "roses and sunshine" and that it's not as simple as all the glowy perfect pregnancy photos made you look the first time around.  As my friend who's due to give birth in 3 weeks with her second reminded me this morning, "Nobody posts the bad photos."


I also remember screaming for drugs the entire labour (which I did drug free and I think that qualifies me for a medal of some sort in the Mama world but I can't be sure) and after she was born, turning to my husband and saying, "NEVER again. I am never doing THAT again."  I remember being terrified to look "down there" for days and using the "god send squirt bottle" they gift you with the minute you give birth along with your puffy, fascinating newborn.  Ohhhh and let's not forget feeling like you have a bowling ball in your ass for weeks after giving birth and being petrified to poop for the first time.  All of those things I remember, but somehow have made them "not so bad" and "doable" all over again.  How could that be?

I remember the first few weeks of hormonal and emotional super highs and super lows, the lack of sleep and the confusion of  pure and utter adoring love combined with "Oh my god, this is real. What have we done. Things will never be normal again. I will be chained to this sofa with a baby on my chest for the rest of my life.  I will never be able to leave this house again." 

And let's not forget all the feeling sorry for yourself husband and wife moments.  Where this new Dad misses his wife and the attention he used to get and this new Mom just wants Dad to shut up and take the baby for five more minutes. Where warm food becomes a distant memory and your boobs become some perfect little tiny baby's meal ticket and no longer your body part.  We almost got divorced when our daughter was 6 weeks old! (Thank god we didn't!) And yet somehow now, I've managed to block ALL of it out and think" Baby, No baby, Baby, No Baby, Baby, No Baby" aaaaaall the time. How can that be???

Aha...it's my super power....my Mama Power. 

For all my single ladies...

Never a truer word.....

If he misses you, he'll call just to hear your voice.  If he wants you, he'll say it.  If he cares, he'll show it. If he has a thought about you, it will come out of his mouth.  If you are on his mind non-stop, he will do anything he can just to see you.  If he truly likes you, he won't let anything get in the way and will fight his way back just to keep you in his arms.  If not, he can't be worth your time because you're obviously not worth his. 

People treat you how you allow them to treat you, don't let yourself be under-appreciated.

The "umbilical cord" is officially getting shorter....bitter sweet indeed...

When I blogged that yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life....I didn't realize how true that would be.

This is officially Day 2 of the rest of my life and my day started off not quite as anticipated and planned in our daily family calendar.  I registered my sweet bean in two class's for the next couple of months to help keep her spirit channeled. Monday's class is "Tutus for Twos"(which FYI, there is nothing cuter than a group of ten 2 year olds running around in tutus) and Tuesday's class is called "Creative Minds".  Now going to these classes is nothing new to Anabella and I, we've been doing them since she was 8 weeks old, as much for her learning and enjoyment as it is for my socialization with other Mama's in my community. THANK GOD FOR FELLOW MAMA'S!!!

So the first thing that changed today was that it was the first day I allowed Anabella to pick out and dress herself, and then actually go out in public without changing her into what we wanted her to wear.  Now, when I say I "allowed" her to make this big decision, it was more like she has formed a bizarre bond with a sleeveless summer dress she was given and only wants to wear that every day and it's not worth the fight.  On day one of this new found attachment to a piece of clothing, we allowed her to wear it at home around the house since it's not quite warm enough to wear it outside. However, I've quickly learned that she will gladly wear it over ANY other clothing she has been dressed in by Mama or Daddy.  As long as the dress is on her body, she doesn't care what else is too.  I decided a long time ago to pick and choose my Mama battles and this is one battle that I will let her win because she's 2 and it's a phase that will pass as quickly as it arrived.  I'm confident there will be a day that I wish my beautiful daughter would wear so many layers of mismatches clothes "like she did when she was 2"  instead of the tube top and short shorts she's chosen at age 16. Oh my gawd, she so needs to stay little forever.

The second thing that changed today was that we arrived to class on time and took our seats and then as I was looking around, I realized something was looking very off.  There was a larger ratio of kids to parents and the parents that were in the room were not sitting, they were kissing and hugging their kids and saying "Goodbye, see you soon! Have fun!".  At first, I thought this must be a joke? They couldn't really be leaving their two year olds here? Oh my gawd...yes...they are....this is a kids only class, not a parent participation class like we've always done in the past!

So two new Mama's, both parents to kids in Bella's class, were looking at this first time nervous "Anabellasmama" and quickly realized that the "umbilical cord" between me and my sweet Bella girl was still FIRMLY intact and they quickly jumped into "Mama-support" action!  They invited me to come for tea with them.  Now despite my lame attempt at an argument that Anabella had been my shadow for 9 months of pregnancy and then 2 years on this earth and that she's never even had a babysitter before or EVER been without Rick and I, they pretty much gave me no choice. Turns out they are both Mama's of two kids and they quickly assured me of all the positive that would come from my leaving my BABY little girl, at a class on her own without me and dragged me out the door with some much needed Mama-support on such a big day.

They kicked me in the butt and then held my hand through this BIG step as a Mom and in the process of two hours, our life changed. I made two new amazing Mama friends and I got two hours to myself, a hot tea and real grown up conversation.  I love, love, love, being a Mama but this was MUCH needed and long overdue.

I was a nervous wreck about Anabella being sad. So, to my surprise, when I picked her up SHE SURVIVED WITHOUT ME and she was smiling.  When I walked in, she smiled from ear to ear, ran towards me arms outstretched yelling "Mama, Mama" and when she got to me, she wrapped her little tiny "big girl" arms around me and said, "Mama, I love you" and proudly showed me her art work.

Priceless Moment Alert: Half way through the walk home, my baby sweet girl, turned to me and said, "Mama, that was fun.....I so proud of you." Ohhhhhhhh boy do I have a keeper.....little did she realize how accurate that comment was! She should be proud of me! That was by far, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my entire life AND one of the best thing's I could ever do for her life combined in one.  My sweet little girl...she has no idea how proud I am of her.  I swear my heart could burst.

The invisible "umbilical cord" is officially a little shorter...not cut...but much shorter....my baby little girl is growing up and we BOTH can survive two hours without each other.

Oh yes, times they are a changin'....

HealthiER Recipe of the day...Curry Currant Hummus that will keep you humming....

I could literally eat this by the spoonful, no dippers necessary, just give me a spoon. I haven't craved something this bad since I was pregnant with my daughter and ate grainy mustard by the spoonful from the fridge.  Note to self:  In retrospect, that was probably a huge red flag that I was pregnant.

Oh my gosh, so every month at  our local Recreation Center they have a farmers market, where you can find all sorts of yummy, organic, pure goodies.  This last month I have become a huge fan and I'm not to proud to admit, a full fledged addict of one certain product.  Now, since the market isn't easily on hand, I found myself thinking about, dreaming about and craving this one yummy, "savory with a bit of sweet" treat.

Thus began my mission to find this recipe for Curry Currant Hummus and to cheaply and easily recreate it in my very own  kitchen.   Go me!

I have to say, this is so much tastier than the regular few varieties of traditional hummus's that most people make or buy at local supermarkets.  I use it a few different ways:

1) I keep a variety of veggies in the fridge so I can easily dip into it during the day for a quick snack when I can't survive until the next meal time.

2) I spread it on brown rice cakes which if you want to really live life on the edge, you could add veggies on top of as well!

3) I throw it into a wrap or pita with sprouts or veggies of choice for the day or it can go on any sandwich, panini or grilled cheese you make!

Nobody has complained that I stink yet, so that's a bonus.  And best of all, this new found yummy treat fits perfectly into my better eating, healthier living lifestyle "changes" I'm attempting to make!

Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

The first day of the rest of my life....

So, here it is, the first day of the rest of my life...the BIG day....and I started it by waking up in a sweat and exhausted as usual, even after a full nights sleep thanks to my BIG girl!  It's a pretty simple reason why I'm inclined to make some changes, despite the obvious health benefits, I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of "wondering" what a different life would be like. I am going to get off my butt and make it happen...or go down in public blog flames trying.

I have a pretty basic list of things I'm going to do to start, although once these are a bit more of an easy part of my daily routine, I hope to try to do a more dedicated approach.  That being said, let's just get through the initial EASY changes first...ha, easy? Define easy. Easy for who? Think positive. Think positive Jessy. Ok, easy for me? Maybe? I hope? I know it will be torture on my daughter as she has become a picky two year old girl who only wants to eat cereal, bread, bagels, noodles, grilled cheese, tamari almonds, strawberries, blueberries, carrots and dip and "snacks" which would include anything that's made of bread or carbs OR is processed with any type of sugar. Getting her to consume vegetables, other fruit, and meat are a daily struggle in our household.  

No more candy: I've already survived one whole week of this one, which anyone who knows me would say is nothing short of a living miracle!

Drink more water: A LOT more water.  Water bottle bought and filled! Go me!

Getting back to the basics and using more WHOLE foods:  I plan to follow in a friend of mine, Hilary's,  footsteps and follow her  foodlosophy the best I can.  I think I can easily do this with the help of her back to basics shopping list, her tried and tested recipes and her "proof is in the puddin'" meal suggestions!  Let it be known, I am being realistic and using this list as a guideline aka AVOIDING pre-packaged and processed foods as much as humanly possible since I have pretty much existed on them up until this very moment! Oh lord, this is going to be harder than I think...I think?!

20-30 minutes of exercise ONLY 5 days a week as per this tip: I have always loved walking & cardio despite the fact that I haven't done much of it since the birth of our daughter! I'm hopeful this part will be easier for me because I have a treadmill in my house, I've been taking a small group training class on Sundays, and I go to the gym with a friend every Friday morning where our kids go to an awesome childcare facility in the building! Ok, now that I think about it...maybe 5 days a week is more realistic.

Yoga twice a week: Now this part should be easy thanks to my awesome husband because after hearing over and over again how tired and crappy I feel over the past couple of weeks, my husband got in his truck and drove to lululemon and bought me a yummy pink yoga mat and matching bag and THEN he drove to the yoga studio near our house and registered me for three months! And then he came home, gave it to me, and told me he'd be babysitting Anabella two lunch times a week while I go to Yoga. Now that is SUPPORT!  

*Note to self:  "I have the greatest husband EVER...this month."

No more ALL OR NOTHING plans: Due to my history of a super long battle with an eating disorder which left me hospitalized on more than one occasion and then finally on deaths door and hospitalized for 2-3 months in a treatment facility in Ontario, where my first day of recovery began. I find this part challenging. I have a "go hard, or go home" attitude when it comes to weight loss, fitness, and diets. One thing I've learned on that particular journey in my life is that a "slip up" isn't the end of the world.  A "bad day" is just one day, there's always tomorrow. Just because you make a mistake or slip off your path, it's not a reason to quit or give up.  Fight! Fight! Fight!

Try to remember what it's like to love and enjoy food as much as my two year old and my super "susie-homemaker-chefanista bff" do. 

Blueberries and licking the bowl....does it get any better  than that???

So that's the basics of what I'm attempting. I'm not trying to become Vegan based on the shopping list and links I'm following,  and I guarantee I will still eat cheese and A LOT of meat along the way because the reality is I like it...I spent my entire life NOT eating it and I'm finally at a point that I like it and ENJOY it, so I won't be sacrificing those things, I'll just be making smarter choices....

Priceless Moment #1: At the shops...

As I'm getting out of the shower and getting my jammies on, part of our nightly bed time routine together...Anabella is sitting in her bed patiently waiting for me to come see her.  This is the conversation my 27 month old TREASURE of a child struck up with me:



Bella:"Mama, are you getting ready to go get my baby sister?"
Me: "What?"
Bella: "Mama, are you getting ready to go get a baby?"
Me: "What, a real baby?"
Bella: "Mama, are you going to get me a new baby sister now?"
Me: "I don't know, where do I go to get a us a new baby?"
Bella: "At the shops Mama, at the shops!"

From that tiny sleeping newborn to this magical, funny little girl. It goes by in a blink!

Another night goes by that I whisper a  secret "thank-you" to the universe as we get to smile as we fall asleep for one more night.

From that tiny sleeping newborn to this magical, funny little girl. It goes by in a blink!

Bless my sweet little bean.

HealthIER Recipe of the Day...

So, I'm attempting to make some lifestyle changes for not only myself but for my entire family.  Of course, with a picky toddler and a meat loving english man for a husband, this feet often comes with it's own set of problems.

Tomorrow, I start Day 1 of my "official" healthier lifestyle which I will blog more about then but today, I'm cooking a new family favorite of ours called MelancauliBaby or in english a lower fat and calorie version of a Curried Cauliflower, Sweet Potato, Rice and Swiss Cheese Soup.

Now the recipe doesn't call for meat, but I add about 3 chicken breasts baked with garlic and chopped up and a cup of chopped celery as well!  Add to that some sort of bread for dipping and you've got a meal I swear any human being will love, EVEN MY HUSBAND.

Gotta go eat!

A picture is worth a 1000 words....

So, I woke up this morning in a lot of pain because for those of you who don't know me yet, I have a condition called endometriosis.  Despite the fact that I've had three surgeries over  the past six years, I still suffer from monthly, weekly and sometimes even daily pain which is treated by some pretty crazy pain killers.  It can be pretty annoying, frustrating and discouraging to live with, especially as a mama of a busy toddler!

SO, when I'm feeling my worst, I do a little thing with my daughter where we sit down with the lap top and go through some of our favorite photos and talk about the people, the adventures, and the memories we have from the thousands of snapshots we have of our journey through life as the DC family.  This ALWAYS  makes us smile, always makes us laugh,  and we always end up feeling lucky and blessed for everything we have and for the experiences we've had to get us to where we are today.

In short, learn from the bad, appreciate the good, embrace each day for what it is and when you're having a bad "feel sorry for yourself" kinda day....take a moment to remember all the reasons life is GOOD and remember "It's not what you achieve in life that matters; it's what you overcome."

I've picked 5 of our favorite photos to share with you, so take a peak into our world....and don't forget to take the time to stop and think about all the things you have to be grateful for in your own day to day life.

Save a horse, ride a cowboy...

OK, so my husband is from England and hated country music with a passion, probably because I LOVE it with a passion...however, this was the trip that made it all change! We went to Calgary so I could be the Maid of Honor in my best friends wedding, let's just say he quickly became "countryfied" in true Cowtown fashion. We laugh every time we see this photo!

Family Laughs....

How can you NOT laugh when you see this photo? FYI, don't tell my sister (in the middle) or my niece (on the left) that I posted this photo of them or they may hunt me down and kill me.

Fun or not so fun fact: My niece and my little sister are only 6 years apart in age!

Innocent fear firsts....

This was taken when Anabella was 5 months old and we had her best friend and 3 year old cousin Jaidie over for the week. We took them both for their first ride on the Stanley Park Train and this photo was snapped in the middle of the tunnel when it was pitch black and we couldn't even see the kids! We tell Anabella all about it every time we look at this picture, the look on her face is priceless!

Sneaky Girl firsts....

This was the result of Anabella finding the left over Halloween make up.  By the time I realized it was a little quieter than normal, this is what I found standing in front of the full length mirror in our entry way.

She was so cute and SO HAPPY, how could I ever be mad? And what kind of a parent leaves the left over Halloween make up somewhere within "pulling a chair and building a structure high enough to climb up" reach.  I know! I know! Pick me! Pick me! A TIRED from an over sugared Halloween Mama!

Note to self: When the house is quiet, there IS always a reason...

Oh Canada...it's official...

Canada Day 2008 - This was a very special Canada Day for the DC family!

It was Anabella's first Canada Day and Rick's first Canada Day as an official Landed Immigrant!  At long last, Rick's 4 years of waiting and working towards eventually becoming a Canadian citizen is finally paying off.   Step one of becoming a landed immigrant, officially complete. We knew he would never have to leave us again! YAHOO!!!

Holy Moly...

Holy moly...where did the last two years go? How did they fly by so fast? Who was I two years ago? I don't even remember. What I do remember is that I've spent the last three years (including pregnancy) focusing every ounce of energy, attention and love on one certain little girl who is my proudest accomplishment and gift to the world and who is GROWING up so quickly. I have spent the past two years living my own whirlwind of exhaustion, hence the photo of my daughter and I, who are polar opposites in appearance but sleep in the exact same positions or as my daughter says, "Mama, look we the same, we twins."

The one thing I've realized from having this sweet girl in my life is that regardless of life's ups and downs, there is still a way to smile and laugh every single day. No matter how bad of a day I'm having, how sick I am, no matter how many days I haven't had a shower, no matter how cranky I am, there is one little girl who thinks I'm the BEST. To one little girl I am the prettiest, smartest, nicest, cuddliest, most loving human being who ever walked the earth. To one little girl I AM HER WORLD. How cool is that?! I made that happen! I did something right. I did something VERY right.

A few random things from the mouth of my babe that make me smile for hours on end at the moment....

"Mama, you lookA just like a pWincess."

"Mama, you look bOOtiful."

"Mama, your hair is pWitty."

"Mama, you a girl, I a kid."

"Mama, I so pWoud of you."

"Mama, I be PATIENT, you be doctor."
"Mama, check it out!"
"Hey GUYS, hey GUYS come here!" (Yes, my 2 year old refers to me and her Daddy as "guys".)
"Mama, I go play in my tWee house?"

Seriously, does it get any cuter? I catch myself laughing out loud just remembering it. Oh I could go on and on for days, and I will, but just not right this moment, I'm too tired.

I love it. I love her. I love being a Mom. She's 27 months old and I feel blessed for every single moment of it. BUT, is it wrong that I'm starting to miss ME? Who am I? Where did I go? Am I still out there somewhere? Has anyone seen me? I don't remember who I am and I think I need to find ME in order to continue to be the best MAMA I can be to her.

So, I'm challenging myself and attempting to try some new things and make some small changes and I'm hopeful that I will find Jessy somewhere along the way in the process. Or better yet, the new, aged (like fine wine! ha), healthier (does healthy mean no more candy? OMG!), happier (I can be MORE happy? Wow.) Mama Me (I've got the Mama part down pat, now to get the Me part down pat too.) Wish me luck!

Me & my sweet girl at the 2010 Paralymic Winter Games in Whistler, BC