From failure comes success...

A few months ago I was fortunate enough to start working for a high profile company (which will remain unnamed) that has an amazing corporate culture of  work/life balance, fun, goal setting, living with integrity and leading by example.  What I didn't realize when I started was just how much my life would change as a result of working every day surrounded by so many amazing people with such awesome values.   Like truly does attract like.

I'm the kind of person who wants to get things "right". Who wants things to look BE perfect.  If they aren't perfect, I'm brutally hard on myself and consider it MY personal failure in life.  A prime example? On "Crackbook" my past marriage "appeared PERFECT".  I kid you not, every day random people would message me telling me how beautiful I was, how beautiful my daughter was, how lucky I was, how nice my home was,  how funny my English hubby was and how strong I was for all I'd overcome.  Of course in those moments it made me feel like a champion. "I'm Queen of the world!" and so happy and proud like I  had finally "done it right"...for once.  And then I would snap out of it, switch off the laptop and step back into reality.  Now don't get me wrong, my reality wasn't horrific. I did have a beautiful home, beautiful cars in the driveway, a beautiful little girl who had everything she could ever want and more, and the list goes on.  But what I didn't have was an authentic and happy marriage or a husband who wanted to be in THAT with me anymore.  I would quickly realize what a facade it all was and I would continue to beat myself up even more for not having the life that we "appeared" to have to the outsiders investigative and curious eye.

The day I announced my separation & divorce (because for us there was no discussion, it was OVER) was what felt like the most heartbreaking and humiliating day of my life.  In my mind, I was a complete failure and wasn't even good enough to manage to keep  the one thing I always wanted...my own beautiful family. I was clearly not perfect and the whole world (aka Crackbook) knew it.  

The good news? That didn't last long. After the shock and numbness, then anger and sadness wore off....I quickly realized I was one of millions of people going through the exact same situation. I realized that everybody has their cross to bare and their demons to fight and that most people's lives are never what they appear. I got a ton of humbling, kind messages and phone calls and offers of encouragement and support and even letters from women telling me that my situation and writings helped them to leave a bad situation.   I realized by sharing MY own imperfect experiences and writings, I wasn't just healing my own heart but I was helping other people feel less alone and less like a "failure" in their own worlds.

As time went by, I recognized that what I convinced myself was "right" wasn't necessarily "right for me".  I realized that from every failure we have we can help someone else have a success.  I realized that sharing your journey and owning who you are in this world can only be GOOD.  I walked with integrity and I had faith that everything would work out and everything would turn out the way it was meant to be despite it not being the "perfect" life had envisioned.  I owned it. I failed. I FAILED. WE failed to keep our marriage and our family together. Simple. I said it. It's done. And guess what? Today, three plus years later I'm HAPPY. I'm loved. I'm myself and I'm free to be exactly who I truly am.  I have a healthy, happy, smart, balanced, loved beautiful daughter who is full of compassion and who I easily co-parent with her Dad who lives a 4 minute walk away.  I have a career I love at a company that embraces everything I believe in and more and who encourages me to strive for all that I want to achieve.  I have a boyfriend & partner in life who is my best friend, my running buddy, my biggest cheerleader, and who loves and accepts me for ME...not for who he wants me to be. Not for who he expects me to be. Not for who he hopes I will be. For ME...as I am...the good and the bad. My soul mate. My hero.

If I had to go through it all over again just to end up with the same  result of where I stand today? I'd gladly "fail" again because a wise man once said, "If you don't fail at least 90 percent of the time, you're not aiming high enough." 

Own it. Live it. Breath it. Be it. Achieve it.

Jess & Bella xo