Imperfect Existence

"The men and women who are truly filled with light 

are those who have gazed deeply into the darkness of their own imperfect existence..."

-via Char of Perfectly Imperfect on FB

"MIA"...

Old School DC girls:
Match made in heaven.

Just to name a few of the things going on in our life over the past few weeks of being MIA....

Potty training...

First days of pre-school...

Adjustments for Mama...

Adjustments for Bella...

NO MORE "SOOSIES"(So, So, SO Proud of Anabella!!!)...

First pre-school sickness...

Job hunt...

Big changes...

Cherished moments...

Birthday Parties...

Dates...

Back to school shopping...

Embarrassing moments...

Births...

Mediation...

Dentist appt.'s...

Good friends...

Laughs...

Cries...

Fishing...

Doctor's appt.'s...

Old friends...

Paperwork and MORE paperwork....

Drama...

Moms group...

Wrong choices...

New friends...

Right choices...

Play dates...

Death...

Big decisions...

Antibiotics...

Childhood Asthma...

Boot season...

Halloween decisions...

Lawyers...

Chalkboard walls...
Lost diamond earrings...

Too bad life is so boring for the DC girls. "Boring", what's that again?!   

In the blink of an eye...

In the blink of an eye...

From this new baby blessing...

(Anabella April Gracie - 12 hours old)

To this amazing treasure of a little girl....

(Anabella April Gracie - 2.5 years old)

I am so blessed.

xo

Firsts....

"Children are human beings to whom respect is due, superior to us by reason of their innocence and the greater possibilities of their future." 

- Maria Montessori 

(Anabella's school motto)

September 13, 2010 - A day for the milestone memory book for sure. 

My beautiful little girl, Miss. Anabella April Gracie DC, attended her first day of full day pre-school.  In true Anabella form, there was no transition phase going from shorter days progressing to longer days. Nope! She put in a full day right from the start and she did it with a SMILE. 

Her Daddy and I both took her together and both stayed in the class room for about an hour. She was happily playing and adoring her new teachers but all the while keeping one eye steadily glued on her Dad and I.  When it was time for us to leave, we went to say good-bye to her (because saying good-bye instils security and shows them you'll never just leave them anywhere without a good-bye) and the water works and screams of terror began...my heart jumped out of my chest....my body ached to take her home...and it took every ounce of Super Mama Power for me not to cry on the spot along with her.  Walking away from my screaming, crying two year old and shutting the door behind me is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried...when I got home.


The teachers had told us to come back and check in on her at around noon or 1:00 and she would likely just have a half day for the first couple days.  SO, my ex went back to check on her at around 1:00 and peaked his head around the corner to see her happily smiling and playing with the other kids.  So happy in fact, that the teachers told him to leave her there until 5:00.  


Wow....My little girl is a super hero now too. When did that happen?!?!


Long story short. She did amazing. She put in a full day on her first day. And she has just started her second day today. She is a beautiful, happy, smart, well adjusted, cheeky, funny, balanced, loving, energetic, outgoing, compassionate, hot tempered, feisty, creative, thoughtful little girl who I couldn't be more proud of.  I thank god for the gift of HER every single second of every single day.  


Bless your little soul Anabella. And seriously, I may go through an entire box of tissue again today. There's no ample preparation for letting your baby little girl go for a full day in the care of somebody else when you've grown that baby in your belly for 9 months and then been a stay home Mama to her for 2.5 years....

Anabella happily posing in front of our building
on her way to her first day of  big girl school..

Anabella getting the "tour"
with one of her teachers in the background!

Anabella's full little cubby at school....can you say Pink and Girlie Girl anyone???

Anabella taking it all in....a big day for a little girl!

Anabella making friends at Circle Time...
apple doesn't fall too far from the tree now does it?!

Sometimes you just need to escape....

Sometimes............
You just need to escape...
Shut it all down...
Turn off the lap top...
Put the phone on vibrate...
Throw on your sweats...
Pack up a small bag...
Grab your beautiful two year old...
Lock your front door...
Hop on a bus (which fyi is the most exciting thing ever for a 2 year old)...
And maybe a boat...
And leave town.
Sometimes...........
You need that to ground you...
To humble you...
Stop you in your tracks...
Remind you what matters...
And more important, what doesn't.
Sometimes............
You need to run...
You need a break....or break down...
You need to be alone...
You can be surrounded by people and feel more alone than when you are alone.
Sometimes............
When you least expect it...
You laugh...
You cry...
You smile bigger than you have in  years...
You scream...
You feel sick...
You feel overwhelmed...
And sometimes you feel all of these things all at once and...
Realize that you are exactly where you need to be...
Feeling exactly what you need to feel...
And it's ALL okay.

Sometimes............

You have a bad day...

When you think your day is the worst it can turn into the best...

You have to remember to wake up every day and be grateful for that day...
That moment...
That vision...

That breath...

That cup of tea...

That smiling child...

That cozy blanket...

The fresh air...

That special friend..or two..or three...

That new experience...

That old memory...

That bad day that made you appreciate the new day...

That cry that gave you a sense of relief...

That laugh that made you want to pee your pants...

That bite of your favorite thing...

The smell of your best friend...

That look...

That text...

That letter...

That song...

That unexpected amazing, fun night at the fair with your daughter, who also happens to be your best friend, your sister, who also happens to be your best friend, and your nieces and nephew.

Sometimes............ 

You just have to let go in order to get back on track.

*Sending lots of love and gratitude to the people who remind me every day why it's all worth it.

Anabella & I rode these two ferris wheel's three times in the dark....
I screamed the whole time, she laughed the whole time...
and told me, "Mama, I not scared, I happy!!!"

Mama & Bellabean....
This was about 4 hours into our night time fair experience on the island....
We had so much fun together!

Anabella April Gracie is in love with her new pink boots....
"pink cowboy boots" according to her.

Blondie McBlonderson...

I get a lot of emails and a lot of phone calls asking me a lot of the same questions again and again.  One of which  is, "HOW do you do IT? How do you move forward with a SMILE and happiness after such a horrible separation?"  Ummmm....good question indeed!!!  The following four photos should answer that question for all of you who have asked and anyone else who is wondering.  

True, loyal, unhindered, adoring, unconditional love in it's most innocent and sweet form.  How can I not smile every single day when THIS beautiful smile is what I wake up to every morning and fall asleep to every night of my life?! 

So grateful for her. SHE has made me become the person I was always supposed to be.

Introducing...
Miss. Personality Face

Ooooookay......
who brought the clown???

She takes Cheeeeeeeeze to a
whole new level...

Beautiful Blondie McBlonderson...

Peace out Mama...

A few of my faves...

Being a Mama...
Sunshine...
Rainy day vegging with my Bellabean...
Rice Krispy square baking with blond little girls...
Lite hot chocolate...
Downtown Vancouver...
Funny people...
Smiling...
Adrenaline...
2 year old exploration bike ride adventures...
Laughing so hard you almost pee your pants...
Love...
Snuggling...
The smell of "baby"...
The smell of MY "little girl"...
Positivity...
Change...
Island river days...
Interviews...
BFF's...
Being MY-self again...
Sisters...
"Little people" who came from my sister...
Tapas...
Wine with good friends...
Timmy Ho's Steeped Tea...
Mama's...
Realization...
Self awareness...
Boots...
Confidence...
Surrogate Nana's...
Ice...
Spicy tuna roll's with avocado...
Skinny bitches...
Home cooked meals on cold winter days...
Hot tubs in the rain...
Small town rumors...
Lemonade...
Good books...
Meeeew-zak...
Brett Favre...
Good, loyal, confident, funny, adorable people...
Bed time stories...
Veggie dogs...
Little girl talking rambles...
Pandora...
Good photos...
Memories that last a life time...
The ability to appreciate the "bad" in order to embrace the "good"...
Camping (If only I could remove the bugs out of camping it would be even better!!!)...
Life lessons...
Wearing my socks inside out...
Popcorn with white cheddar seasoning...
Snowflakes...
Starbucks Skinny Vanilla Latte's *with an extra pump of vanilla...
Beaches...
Flip Flops & Jeans...
Tiffany....
Freckles...
$5.00 tank tops with $200.00 jeans...
Pink...
Reality TV...
Long walks...
Attempted Runs...
Raw tuna...
Integrity...
Butterflies...
Faith...
Green...
Earls...
Chemistry...

Just another girls date day with my best friend....

"A mama understands what a child does not say."  

Mama...

Anabella...

Climbing Girl...

Sliding girl...

Pretending to be the ice-cream shop girl...

Bike riding girl...

Woman little girl on a mission...

To get home sweet home...

My motivation, my purpose, my joy, my love....my girl.

Happy Girl....especially happy to have the treat
she greatly earned this week
(No more pacifier, sleeping in her big girl bed,
potty training like a PRO, and preschool in one week!)

The end of summer and beginning of September has made for some long, hot "DC girls quality time" days together.  Pools and hot tubs and walks and parks and bike rides and ice cream and dancing.  Even one rainy day gum boot, umbrellas, mud puddles, firemen, fire trucks and Starbucks "latte date" with each other; she truly is the best date ever and the absolute LOVE of my life.

She reminds me every day how to appreciate the simple, little things in life. She makes me smile, she makes me giggle like a child, and she has taught me what "unconditional love" is on a daily basis from the minute we I created her, grew her, birthed her, and now raise her.  Who else would look at me first thing in the morning and say, "Good Morning PRINCESS MAMA.." to which I immediately smile hugely upon opening my eyes (no matter how ridiculously early it may be) and say, "Good Morning PRINCESS ANABELLA...I love you". Can't really think of a better way to start my day. Can you?!  If you say yes, then you're clearly not a parent yet...

Anabella starts preschool three full days in about a week....1 week away.  My baby  little girl who has never spent a moment away from me (aside from her couple days a week with her father in recent months) is now going to be away from me 3 full days a week and potentially 5 when I go back to work.  I burst into tears in the bath tub this morning just thinking about it, I can't even imagine how hard it's actually going to be being away from her. Ugh...

I'm going to appreciate every day I have with her. I'm going to cherish her and love her like I always do and know that we both have what it takes to make this situation the best that it can be.  She will LOVE school...I think....I hope...I need to believe.  She does love our new home. She does love her new bedroom. She does love our life.  I just need to believe she's going to adjust as easily to being away from her parents 3 full days a week as easily as she has adjusted to everything else crazy and life changing that has happened in her life the past 6 months!  I think I might have the most well adjusted child ever born, and I don't know if that's a gift she was born and blessed with or something I can take partial credit for...but I'm grateful for it none the less.

God Bless ANABELLA APRIL GRACIE DC....my reason for being born, my motivation, my purpose, my joy, my love, my girl.

The absolute love of my life "lovingly" admiring
her own shadow yet again...

Hmmm...my girl likes a ROCK on her finger too....ha I kid.

My reason for being born....
my motivation, my purpose, my joy, my love...
MY GIRL.

.