W-H-I-R-L-W-I-N-D ...

I think I may have a way with words…or at least I have a way with expressing myself through writing that helps me get things off my chest at a minimum and lets me vent my ass off at most….(which is pretty ironic because in all my years of treatment for my ED, I was told to journal every single day and I hated every single second of it….I guess I’m stubborn and had to do it on my own terms…ha…yah, that sounds like me alright…)

I lay it on the line, I tell it how I see it, I can be brutally honest and blunt, but I also truly try to be a kind, caring, honest, compassionate human being in the process.  I kinda think it’s bullshit how half, or more than half,  of the world walks around acting like their shit doesn’t stink and they’ve never experienced a struggle, issue or problem in their lives. 

I’ve had issues. I’ve had problems. I’d venture to guess there’s potentially more coming down the pipe line at some point in my life? And I’m not really that afraid to face it all head on as it comes.  I mean for gods sake, if I can survive ALL that I have up to this point in my life and still be able to wake up and smile every day, then I pretty much think I could handle anything.

My life this past few years has been nothing short of whirlwind of both good and bad.  I've been blessed with a beautiful, happy, loving, well adjusted daughter who I couldn't be more proud of, an abundance of amazing strong Mama friends and beans, great new friendships (and of course I never take for granted the loyal, cherished "lifer" friends I've had for what seems my whole life).  A family who stand by me and support me through anything and who adore my daughter as much as I do.  Not to mention the multitude of experiences I've had including starting and running a business with two partners, becoming a Mama, being a wife, and now my new "single separated mama life".  Obviously I've endured some "not so great" things in these past few years too, or I wouldn't be sitting here as a separated woman, but now is not the time to focus on the negative.

W-H-I-R-L-W-I-N-D.

I refuse not to smile every day.

I refuse to let somebody else's actions, choices, or views change ME.

I refuse to let hurt rule my life.

I will be real and appreciate every day for exactly what it brings me...even if some of the days truly do suck.

I'm pretty confident that this is all just a brief moment and time in my life and that "this too shall pass", as my wise Mama always says.  I'm also 1000% sure that everything that has happened truly has happened for a reason, and that reason is to teach me valuable life and moral lessons, remind me who I truly am, and help shape me into the woman, mama, daughter, sister, auntie and friend that I am truly meant to be.  Every experience, every challenge, every happy moment changes you...EMBRACE IT.

I can never express enough how grateful I am for every single special person who has been present in our life, especially this past 6 months.  I keep getting emails from people saying how much they "admire my strength", my "ability to move on", my "ability to smile" and "have a life". Yah! True! I do all those things on a daily basis! But don't be fooled, I've also spent many days and nights, devastated, sad, overwhelmed, hurt, angry, shocked, disappointed, frustrated, annoyed, and disgusted in the past year.  I've had my own little "pitty party for one" more than once in the past 6 months especially, but  I'm just not dwelling on it. It is what it is.  I just choose to embrace it and hold my head up high and walk forward with dignity, pride, my morals intact, my little girls hand firmly placed in mine, and a smile on my face.

All I can say is THANK YOU to all our amazing and loyal friends and family.  I'm so thankful for the ability to blog and vent and get things off my chest in a forum where only the people who want to read, do.  

I feel so blessed to have all that I have.

xo

True unconditional love...

The picture says it all....

ABBA-NELLA DC...

The great lesson is that the sacred is in the ordinary, that it is to be found in one's daily life, in one's neighbors, friends, and family, in one's backyard.
-Abraham Maslow

                                                       
Although my soon to be ex husband and I  do not see eye to eye on marriage and life, we do see eye to eye on being good co-parents. I feel blessed and don't take for granted for a single second that he sends me photos he takes of our sweet 2.5 year old little girl while she is having her 3 days a week with him.

Here's a little taste of pure innocence, happiness and love, taken with and by her Daddy....we've clearly done something right to have been blessed with such a happy little girl.  Fingers crossed we can continue to co-parent in this same manner and even better for the next 18 years.


She is my number one girl. And as she says to me, "Mama, YOU my best fWiend." Awwww....

Playing in the lake...

Dancing in the lake...I think??? lol

Holding hands with her Daddy...

Bella in the middle of her friends & neighbors at Daddy's house...

One week in at the "Resort"...

So...we HAPPILY survived the first week of the rest of our lives with only a few mishaps during the move, like say for example getting off the ferry and what would normally be a 30 minute drive to our home turning into a 2 hour traffic chaos experience (thank god Anabella slept for the entire time!!!) OR our living room furniture not fitting through our new frickin' front door! Yah, wasn't planning on THAT happening.  


After a few tears and a couple glass's of wine or maybe a raspberry mojito (just sayin'), I pulled up my big girl pants and decided that everything was happening for a reason and it would all fall into place...and true to form, it so did.  The next day, we went to our  amazing outdoor pool which is now Bella's favorite place on earth and we were lucky enough to meet a few people, one of which had white leather furniture for sale that would FIT into our new living room-less home. SOLD! SOLD! SOLD! It looks great but feels horrible, so it's our "temp" furniture until we find Bella and Mama's big new comfy snuggling sofa....


I've bumped into old friends, made great new friends and started making some amazing, happy memories in our new home and in a few great places surrounding our home.   


And most important...my baby little girl is sleeping in her big girl bed.  Not only sleeping in it, but falling asleep in it AND sleeping through the night.  When she wakes up in the morning, she's HAPPY. She's smiling. She endlessly plays in her room. She spends hours and hours at the pool.  She rides her bike outside. And on Friday there's no more ferry trip to see Daddy and no more Monday ferry trips back home to see Mama.  She's 5 minutes from Daddy. She gets to relax and be a kid and be happy.  Don't get me wrong, she LOVED the island too...but we both really love being in our "Home in the sky".  


I have been blessed with an amazing support system who pick me up, dust me off and plant a great big metaphorical kiss on my forehead every single time I fall. Every single time I cry. Every single time I question things. And who are standing beside me for every single step, every single smile and every single laugh and real life experience whether they're physically present or not. 

Everything really does happen for a reason.  

Horrible traffic & sleeping toddlers lead to some creativity during the move....we had to tie a scarf around Bellabeans head to keep her neck from bouncing back and forth....shout out to Burberry!

Anabella happily riding her bike outside our building...

Kit...Kit...Kit...Kit.....I always wanted my own stunt man, motivator super hero... 

Yulia & Yessica - Best Friends for 10 years and counting....thank you for coming all the way from Cowtown to make more smiles and memories...

Moving Day (aka hottest day of the year) - Lee & Curtis...such an amazing support system

Our new kitchen

Our new view from the 20th floor....ahhh home in the sky...right where we belong.

Our new home

Our "temp" new small furniture because our normal furniture wouldn't fit through the front door of our condo....

Bellabeans new room

Bellabeans new room view #2

Bella making new friends and crashing birthday parties....thx to Antonio!

First Friday night without Bellabean at the "Resort"...Hot tubbin it...

Shout out to the  Cabana & Pool Boys of Port Moody....seriously, haven't laughed so hard in hmmm...4 years???  

Home "Shweeeet" Home.

Love....

"I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak in the knees when they walk into a room and smile at you."

Change is on the Horizon...

"Quietly forgiving and moving on is a gift to God...and yourself."

"Change is on the Horizon"...I pretty much saw these five words and stole them off a smart mans facebook status. It's perfectly fitting for both my life at this very moment and my blog too...*bonus*

I have spent this past few months of  both newly separated life and newly back to "island life" with my beautiful baby little girl in tow. She has been a breath of fresh air and a reason to laugh and smile every single day.  I'm not sure if it's possible to be any more proud of her than I already am?  I could burst for realz. SHE is my purpose, my passion, my reason for being and my reason for making the choices I do in my life and for OUR life. 

Packing Day 1 - Front Entry way

SO, with that and as you can see from the photos,  more packing has begun for another big adventure for Bella and Mama. After more than three months on the island and countless ferry trips every four days for both myself and more importantly my beautiful Bellabean, I have decided that no two year old including Anabella deserves to be sitting on a ferry every four days in order to spend time with the other human being (who happens to be a man) who helped create her and who loves her almost as much as I do. Right now she's not effected by it, to her it's pretty much a floating park and play date with a million kids every four days but I would venture to guess that come trip # 296 she would likely become impacted and annoyed by the entire process about as much as her father and I are now.  

Packing Day 1 - Bellabean's Room

I love the island. I love my family. I love my island friends. I love my neighbor. I even like the beautiful condo we were so fortunate to find.  But I LOVE ANABELLA above all else, and I will do anything for that girl (My perfect treasure and a joy) and anything to make her day-to-day life easier and more peaceful.  We spent three months here so in the long run, I can do my job as Anabella's Mama better. I needed to be with family. Be with old friends who know me in my core.  Make new friends who appreciate me for who I am today. And to reevaluate, feel love for both my daughter and myself, and most importantly find my happiness and get back to being myself so that I can be an even better Mama to my little girl. I firmly believe that the key to a truly successful, well balanced and happy daughter is for her to see genuinely happy confident Mama.  Not a fake Happy Mama...we all know what I'm talking about...and if you're one of those Mama's do something today to change it.  

SO, I found a new condo in Port Moody. Close to her Daddy. Close to her preschool. Close to her childcare. Close to good friends. Close to the park. Close to her doctor. Close to both her and our "Old" life AND everything we need to continue to grow and build our new life with the amazing people and friends (both old and new...holla...) we have surrounding us and encouraging us and loving us and reminding us every day what truly matters in our days and in our world.

So here I go again saying, "Thank you, thank you, thank you" to our amazing angel friends.  We love you for your insight, wisdom, kindness, loyalty, friendship, openness, sincerity, bluntness and love.

xo

Change..change...changes are a comin'....

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."

 - Maria Robinson

Changes are a coming....


As a wise man said to me last week, "You're crazy? Good EMBRACE it. Who wants to be boring?"


So...yah.....more to come....

Love is always patient and kind....

"Love is always patient and kind. 

It is never jealous. 

Love is never boastful or conceited. 

It is never rude or selfish. 

It does not take offense and is not resentful. 

Love takes no pleasure in others people's sins, but delights in the truth. 

It is always ready to excuse,to trust,to hope,and to endure whatever comes." 

— Nicholas Sparks

Thank you Mr. Sparks! More words of wisdom by another brilliant surviving soul. I think I'm becoming quite a little "quote-a-holic", no really, I like quotes a lot and they truly help me get through each day...especially the crap ones.  Oh well, there could be so many worse things I could be addicted to at this stage in my life. 

Missing my baby girl...my 2.5 year old, always gonna be my baby even when she's 30, baby girl. She's with her Daddy for the weekend...ugh....I know she loves him and I know he deserves to have time with her just like me, but doesn't mean I don't miss her SO much when she's gone.  Life is so...quiet without her.  Like I go from full color HD tv life, to black and white basic cable tv life when she's gone. Booo...but yay for her being happy and well adjusted when she goes with her Daddy for the weekend. No tears! No drama! No I need my Mama.

Sweet dreams.

xo