7 months and 24 days...day 1

It has been 7 months and 24 days since I last sat down to write type.  Do you realize that's 237 days (but who's counting) that I've been...living?!  So much has happened, yet so much has stayed the same which makes it so difficult for me to even figure out where to begin again with my writing.  I don't even know what I'm going to write about, but I know I want need to write again. I'm determined to get back to writing this blog...for me...for Anabella....for you?  So...bare with me if I ramble.  I'm a work in progress and I'll find my groove again.

I feel like the last two years has been a whirlwind of emotional highs and lows and a lifetime's worth of lessons.  Since we lost Robbie so tragically and suddenly, it's been a chaotic cycle of ups and downs and all arounds. I can honestly say I feel like I'm an expert level grief survivor at this point, and in some ways the grief of losing Robbie has been a gift to me.  Yes, I just said THAT.

Of course, I'd give anything to have my beautiful little sister and Super Auntie back in our lives, even for one more day....but this isn't a fairytale and I don't get my three wishes.  What this is....is real freakin' life. A life that I sadly took for granted, just like most of us do, until one day I woke up and didn't have my little sister to talk to any more. Thus began the first day of the rest of my life...my "life after Robbie".

My two sister's and I always had a unique relationship.  Every time I went home to visit, we'd all be together. Not vacationing somewhere exotic or jumping out of airplanes knocking off items from our bucket list, but really just being together....with our babies and each other.  Lounging in our jammie's, grocery shopping ALL together, laying in the sun, being bored, cooking dinner's, watching movies....just being...with each other. Sometimes we'd share our time with a select few close friends that became family over the years...but mostly it would just be the three of us and our kids.

Not being all together wasn't an option.
Fighting longer than a day wasn't an option.

At the beginning, we didn't realize not all sister's were like us. Then somewhere along the way we became more aware that we were a little different than those around us. We just chalked it up to our massive age differences (5 years between me and my older sis and 11 years between me and my younger sis and 16 years between them!!!).  And now a year and a half since Robbie's passing, it's crossed my mind more than once that maybe, just maybe, the reason we had all that "boring" sister time together is because somewhere deep down in a place unknown (and frankly not wanting to be known) we all felt that we had a short time together as THREE.

Well, now here we are 1.5 years after losing Robin. My older sister and I have struggled alone and struggled together.  Tracy and I love each other, but we have both lost a sister who we each had a unique and special emotional bond with.  We each lost the Super Auntie to our beautiful kids; our favorite babysitter. We each lost our favorite confidant; our secret keeper. We each lost our reason maker; our peace keeper.  We each lost our best friend and we were  left behind in our heartbroken numbness and anger to pick up the pieces for ourselves and our children.  To somehow honor our sister and  to live the way Robin would if she had been given the same GIFT. We've been pushed over the edge of all things right and forced to re-build a new relationship with each other and a new life....our life after Robbie.  A  life where we look like two, but we are always three.

So many people stay stuck. Stay lost in the Why's and the insanity of trying to make reason out of the unreasonable.  Death is senseless. A healthy 27 year old woman getting diagnosed with cancer and dying 7 months later is unreasonable.  It's not right. It's not fare. There will never be a justification that will bring peace or comfort to anyone.  We were both in it. We cried every day. We yelled at God.  We questioned God. Is there a God? Fuck you "God".  We couldn't comprehend a life without a little sister.  We didn't want to be two sisters.  It wasn't a world we wanted to be a part of. There can't just be two of us.  We were made to be three sisters.  It wasn't something we could grasp. We tortured ourselves for months and months and months.

Everything was hard. Every day was painful. Every day was sad. Waking up every morning hurt. Laying my head on my pillow to sleep hurt.  Breathing hurt. It hurt....a lot...and each day was a new day...and it still hurt and I was still angry and I was still mad at the world.  And then one day I woke up....and realized that my beautiful, kind little sister who was so full of life and who deserved to live didn't get to and here I am, living in misery with no sense of gratitude or love because I had lost a giant piece of my heart?  How is that okay?  That was the day my life started to change....I decided that if Robbie didn't get to live then god dammit, I was going to live for her...with her. I was going to appreciate everything I am blessed with every single day and I was going to share my love and gratitude with my daughter...and the world and with Robbie.

And now.....I accept it.

I accept that my beautiful, peaceful baby sister has moved on in her journey in this world to a better place.

I accept that she is at peace and she is pain-free and happy.  

I accept that there is a heaven and there is a god....but my heaven and my god might be very different than yours, and that's okay.

I accept that I was lucky to have a little sis in my life for 27 years.  

I accept that loss sucks, grief is painful and a broken heart actually physically hurts like hell.

I accept that Robbie may not be here with us in body, but her presence is with me every single minute of every single day.

I accept that losing Robbie gifted me with the ability to value my own life and every day I get to be here to share it with my little girl.

I accept that losing Robin doesn't mean she's gone.   In fact she is with me more than ever...it's just different. (If you've lost someone special, then you understand this).

I accept that I don't have control over every little thing in life, and that what I do have control over is my own heart and my own mind and who I choose to show up as in this world.

I accept that I have control over teaching my daughter the value of life and sharing and creating memories with people we love.

I accept that I have the privilege and gift of teaching Anabella's beautiful soul that it's okay to smile and live after you lose someone so important to you.  I get to lead by example into a new world of gratitude and joy; and still include Auntie Robbie in our daily conversations and lives.

I accept that death happens. It happens to all of us and we don't get to pick our time.  Robin has gifted me with no  longer having a fear of death; because I know that THAT will be the day I get to hug my baby sister in heaven and I know that I've taught my little girl how to truly grab onto life and memories and live after loss.

I get to be free....and I get to lead by example.

I am alive. I am grateful. I am full of love. I am blessed with beautiful memories and we will make a million more. I am Anabellas mama.

To all of those who have stood by us....thank you.

Love,
Jess