The day before tomorrow...reality shatters + deepened world

One year ago today was the day before my life changed forever.

Just another day...another year...another Thursday before a weekend of pigging out on our fave family meal together.

The Thursday before Thanksgiving long weekend.

I was effortlessly happy and simply excited to spend the next three days with my fam.....I couldn't wait to see my sisters! I always loved being on the island in the fall; rainy-cold-dark early-movies-appies-snuggles and stuck under one roof with my sisters and our kids. Thanksgivings always sucked when one of us lived far away, but this year was another year we all lived in BC again and we would all be together. It was also going to be our first Thanksgiving two of Robbie's best friends aka our cousins Emily & Julie and their partners. YAY!

I was so naively thankful that day. My baby sister had recently been given the all clear from her cervical cancer fight. "Fuck you cancer! You messed with the wrong three sisters", we said. I knew she would beat it! I just knew we weren't going to be that family. I was newly, crazily, blindly and gratefully in love with a man that made my heart smile (without saying a word) and who I just knew was the guy I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life without. My jaded heart was happy, I was kid-free for one night and my biggest concern was counting down the seconds until I could go out to dinner with my boyfriend.

It was a good day. It was a great day. It was the day before tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I innocently answered my ringing phone only to hear my heart broken Mom sobbing on the other end of the line. Tomorrow, I would find out my extraordinary sister, despite beating cervical cancer, now had Metastasized liver and lung cancer and that there was zero chance of her survival. Tomorrow, was the day I became the most helpless and present that I would ever be. Tomorrow, was the beginning of the most sad, challenging, inspiring and heartfelt year of my life. Tomorrow, was the day my reality shattered and my world deepened. Tomorrow, we had to choose to live every day smiling with Robbie, knowing that each day could be her last. Tomorrow was the day I learned what a true hero is.

Tomorrow...late tomorrow night,  I would tip-toe into my sister's dark bedroom...crawl into her bed...and wrap myself around her beautiful, breathing, living body in silence (While silently raging, screaming and crying on the inside...NOOOOOOOOOOO, NOT HER. DON'T TAKE MY SISTER. SHE'S OURS. SHE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS. SHE DID EVERYTHING RIGHT!FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU CANCER!)

Silence.

No other words or movement, we would lay glued together, feeling each other breath in our unimaginable sister snuggle of pain...and then simply whisper, "I love you"...."I love you too" in the darkness.

Tomorrow sucked....tomorrow changed everything.

One year. Today is hard.

Love,
Jess

 

Cliffs + Wings = Freedom

 

So it's been a while since my last post. It's been 10 months of shifts and adjustments and living and breathing in our new normal since losing my sister & Bella's Auntie. 

Being vulnerable and owning your shit isn't fun and it definitely isn't easy, but I believe it's worth it.  A wise man once said: "First you jump off the cliff and you build wings on the way down."  (Thank you Ray Bradbury) 

This is me on a cliff and god dammit I'm getting earning those damn wings.

People keep asking me why I've quit drinking and here's my humble, solid, confident, "scream it from the rooftops until I can't scream it anymore" answer:

I quit drinking, NOT because I drink "to often" or "to much", but because my body and my mind has a very apparent and totally obvious (to anyone who isn't drunk) allergy to alcohol. Consuming alcohol hits me harder than most, not as hard as others, and frankly to hard for my own dam good. It doesn't matter if it's two glasses of wine on a date, two bottles of wine amongst girlfriends or a table full of shots to celebrate one of a million things worth celebrating in this glorious life, I will inevitably have the same end result. 

A much anticipated, long planned "Mama's night out" will 9 times out of 10 result in this (responsible, healthy, smart, kind, motivated, loving) SUPER-mama becoming sick as a dog, throwing up throughout the evening and waking up to a black hole of nothingness for a memory. Follow up that super-awesome experience with losing an entire day, and in some cases even two, of my life to more nausea, sickness, body aches, headaches, emotional lows, regrets, anger and ultimately daaaaaaaaaays of recovering and healing to simply just get my mind and my body back to the "normal" state it was before I made the choice to have a drink.

WHO does that? Over and over and over again?  What healthy, responsible "normal" human being would make that choice for themselves, right?  Why? And for what?  Me.  I did that. Smart, responsible me made those choices and despite regretting them every-single-time I continued to make the same dumb choice.  This isn't new to me. This isn't an epiphany and it's not something I have newly stumbled upon or developed an intolerance to over time. This isn't me jumping on a band wagon or looking for an excuse.  This is my very own vulnerable reality and experience and something that has happened over and over and over again since the very first time I decided to be a "cool" small town island girl and try alcohol for the first time in my teens. (Drink it with a straw and you'll get drunk faster they said....and I did.)

Let me be clear here, this isn't something my 7.5 year old daughter has EVER seen. In fact, she'd be hard pressed to point out a time she's even seen alcohol in our home let alone in my hand if you ever asked her. I'm not the weeknight drinker. I'm not the woman having a glass of wine at the end of a stressful work day. I'm not the person having a glass of wine with my meals. I'm not the woman craving the weekend to escape my child and have my next drink. I'm the complete opposite. I'm the responsible, healthy single Mama with a successful full time career, a strong family, great friends, passions, interests, a dating life with a commitment to being healthy, happy and well AND who has lived her life in denial of her allergy to alcohol and continuously caused unnecessary damage to myself and my body as a result.

Declaring "I'm never drinking alcohol again" is NOT a new thing for me and I'm pretty sure there's a slew of facebook posts to prove it, but what IS new is my personal reasons & clarity, my commitment to myself as well as to  those rallied around me in support, and my recognition of the following life altering experience:
  
It's no secret to those who know me that my beauty of a 27 year old sister, Robbie, was diagnosed with stage 2 cervical cancer in May 2014.  She had fought and survived, only to be re-diagnosed a few months later with terminal liver and lung cancer.  She was a brave, beautiful warrior throughout her entire 7 month battle and was swiftly released from the horrific pain of the disease and earned her angel wings in December 2014. 

What does Robbie's battle have to do with me making the decision to quit drinking? Besides the fact that humbly watching someone you love battle a horrific, painful, body deteriorating disease changes you? Ummm, EVERYTHING.  The reality is that it was Robbie's LIVER that caused her extreme agony and suffering and it was her cancer riddled beaten down liver that eventually impacted all her other organs, shut down her body and took her from us.

Before the cancer, Robbie was a happy and healthy 27 year old with her entire life in front of her. She ate right. She rarely drank. She didn't smoke. She didn't do drugs. She loved to cook.  She was mature for her age and wise beyond her years.  She was an amazing Auntie and she couldn't wait to get married and be a Mom one day.  She didn't get to, but I did. I AM SO BLESSED and I am also blessed with the gift of a perfectly HEALTHY LIVER.  How can I, in good conscience, purposely continue to poison my liver, the organ that essentially took my sister away? I can't. I simply no longer can and still feel good about who I am. 

She would have been my biggest cheerleader on this decision. In fact, despite being 11 years younger than me even Robbie was one of the selfless good people who took care of me countless times during and after a night of drinks. I'll never regret that time spent with her, but boy I wish I could remember those nights with my sister now that she's gone.

So pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease understand. Please still include me in all the fun we've ever had.  When I can, I'll still be there and I'll be smiling just like always!  I'll have a fancy non-alcoholic drink in my hand and I'll be cheersing my sister Robbie in heaven while proudly honoring both her and my body. Even better? I'll be waking up feeling good and REMEMBERING it all and I'll finally be able to live authentically and be the example I want to set for my beautiful little girl.

My choice is for me.  It's not in any way as a judgement towards anyone who chooses to drink. Drink away! I will respect and support your choice just like I hope you can respect and support mine. 

Love,
Jess