Belief...

(HINT: Before you press play and listen to the song, you have to go down the right hand side of this page and press stop or pause on the music that automatically plays on my blog!!!)

"Would you dare to BELIEVE that you still have a reason to SING.

Because the pain you're feeling can't compare to the JOY that's coming.

Come on and wait for the light, just press on, and fight the good FIGHT.

Cause the pain you're feeling is just the hurt before the HEALING.

Cause the pain you're feeling is just the dark before the morning."

-Josh Wilson

SOME days, I am so grateful for my friends who have strong FAITH in their lives.  These friends are often the ones, who share that “little golden nugget of wisdom” through words or song that other people just can't. An old friend posted the following song excerpt on his facebook status today, which lead me to googling the song and finding the video below. I doubt when he posted those lyrics, he had any idea what a difference they would make in my day today. 

Don't get me wrong. I have FAITH. To be perfectly honest, I often have an overwhelming abundance of it. I have my own faith, my own beliefs and my own spirituality. I do BELIEVE, I just don't follow organized religion nor do I judge or persecute

those who do. I admire and respect each individual "being" for who they are and what they choose for THEIR individual life and expect and appreciate the same respect in return. I am truly fascinated that so many people believe so strongly in so many different things, but in the end they all BELIEVE and have FAITH...and that is what matters.

Even with that faith, some days you can't help but question everything and wonder WHY things happen the way they do? And the answer is simple. YOU CANNOT FULLY APPRECIATE THE GOOD WITHOUT EXPERIENCING THE BAD. It's all part of life. All

part of learning, living, growing, and developing into the human being you are meant to become.

I can only hope that we raise our daughter to have the strength, morals and conviction to BELIEVE in what she chooses and to stand up for what she believes is right for HER life.  That she never feels pressured by anybody to conform to be something or someone that is not authentic, real and true for her and her own beliefs. That she will always LOVE unconditionally and will effortlessly share herself and her strong soulful spirit with the world around her.

God Bless my beautiful little girl.

Christmas! Christmas! We love Christmas!

Priceless Moment #11: Purple...

"Mama, I am painting this bell purple...because purple is SOFT."  

Just one of the many, MANY ramblings out of little Miss. Blondie McBlonderson's mouth. She is 2.5 years old (turning 3 in less than two months) and on a daily basis makes me actually giggle with some of the cute and innocent things she says. 


It may not be SO cute to anyone else, but when I look at this sweet little girl that I created and listen to her constant musical ramblings and comments (It was recently pointed out to me that almost everything Anabella says is done in a melody or song and is non stop for the entire day), I can't help but smile and laugh. I made that girl? Really? And again I'll say it, I really must have done something very right somewhere along the way.

Take note of the paint on her lips...
apparently when you're almost three paint STILL needs to be tasted too

Walk on...

(HINT: Scroll down the right hand side of this page and press pause on the music player in order to listen to the video I posted in THIS blog post)

A new friend of mine who barely knows me sent me this song today with a note saying that its a song that makes him think of me.  I'm not to proud to admit, that when I listened to it for the first time(fully prepared to roll my eyes & potentially gag...)I was shocked to feel a tear roll down my face instead. All I could think of is how perfect of a song it is for not only me, but the most important people in my life.


My beautiful "treasure and a joy" of a daughter.
My amazing sisters.
My strong Mama.
And my loyal "lifer" besties. 

So thank you to that new friend for reminding me how lucky I am to be so truly blessed in my life, no matter how tough some of the days can be.

God bless.

A Mamas touch...

 Me with my Mama & Anabella when she was just 12 days old...
feels like a lifetime ago.

I can't wait to get to my parents house tonight, throw on my sweats and snuggle into “island life” with my sweet little girl again. 


Ever feel like you just want your Mama to hug you and never let go? To tell you how perfect and amazing and special you are and that anyone who doesn't see that is an idiot and doesn’t deserve you? To tell you how everything is going to be okay and that she will protect you no matter what? And make you feel like nobody and nothing else matters in that very moment but you?

To this day when I’m hurting or sick, I want my Mamas words and my Mamas touch just as much as I did when I was 2, 4, 8, 12, 18 and 20. There's nothing quite like a Mamas words and a Mamas touch...and no matter how old I get and despite being a Mama to my own sweet perfect little girl, I never grow old enough to NOT need that from MY own Mama. 

I can only hope that I can be that same Mama to Anabella and give her the same unconditional love, friendship and support my Mama has always given me. I feel so lucky to have been blessed with such an amazing woman to love, nurture and raise me and now to be doubly blessed with an equally as amazing little girl for me to love, nurture and raise.  

Oh I can't wait to go "home"!

God Bless all the great Mamas of the world.

xo

Adorably Imperfect...

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to love the imperfections of others and can love you for your imperfections too.

-Author Unknown

A girl I went to high school with had this quote as her facebook status today.  Clearly a smart, gifted, happily married woman...thank you Jessica. (no, not ME, her name is Jessica too.) 

The truth is: Nobody is perfect and the people who think they ARE perfect are usually more imperfect than the majority.  

I've spent half my life trying to live up to somebody's standards and expectations of what I should or shouldn't be or what is and isn't "normal". When in reality everybody's individual circumstances, families, experiences, and life stories define their own individual and unique 
"normal".  


Fact: You can't change somebody else's "normal". 


Who are you, who am I, who is anyone else in this world to sit in judgement and decide what is right or wrong or "normal" for another human being? What is "normal" anyways?

Something to think about, right? Shamefully, we've all done it but the bigger question is whether you have learned from your mistakes or whether you choose to continue to make the same mistakes over and over again? 

I used to want to live up to the expectations. I used to want to live up to the "perfectionist" standards. So much so, that I was willing to slowly kill myself to do it. I used to twist myself into a pretzel to the point that I was literally naked, void and inside out and not even a shadow of the same person I once was.  I remember the days of "rock bottom" well. I will eerily never be able to forget. I remember the defeated, exhausted, crippling feeling of believing and preferring the option of DEATH over having to live one more day in THAT miserable, sick world of measuring up. All to try to be "good enough" in someone else's eyes. For someone else's world. For someone else's "normal".

It has taken me nine years of hiding and battling an eating disorder and another eight years in recovery, treatment and therapy (Yay, go me!!!), getting married, becoming a Mama, new life and death, and now getting divorced to finally come to terms with what really, truly makes a person happy in life and matters in MY world.

I don't want to be perfect. I don't want my daughter to be perfect. I don't want my future partner to be perfect. I don't want perfect friends. I don't want a perfect family.  I don't want a "picture perfect" life. 

I choose real, authentic, honest, open, happy, loving, forgiving and proud.

I am perfectly happy with ADORABLY IMPERFECT.

Vintage Mama & Bella

Sad Day & Priceless Moment #9: "I lubba that angel"

Today is a sad day in a lot of people's worlds. A very, very sad day in the DC girls world.  

At 7 am I was awoken by the phone ringing....which in the DC girls household only means one thing: Something, someone, somewhere is very WRONG. Since my sweet treasure bean of a daughter was not sleeping soundly under my roof last night, but was instead at her Daddy's house, I answered that phone on the FIRST ring...praying.

Today we learned the world has lost an amazing man. 

Today we learned that we lost a good friend.

Today "Miss. Georgia" announced that she lost her best friend.

Today we learned a sweet, innocent 2 year old little girl lost her Daddy.

Today we mourn the loss of a great man with a kind heart, authentic soul and gifted spirit.

Today, I cried and cried and cried. Today WE cried and cried and cried.
Today, I was reminded what matters MORE.

Today, I had to explain to Anabella that her little friend's Daddy went to heaven with the angels.

And Today, while looking at the following photos, Anabella turned to me and said, "Oh Mommy, look at that Daddy, he is an Angel now. I lubba that angel Mama."

Today it's okay to cry.

Tomorrow we will smile. 

And forever  we will honor Goran's memory by being grateful every day for the short time we were blessed to have him in our lives and for the continued blessing of being able to be a part of his beautiful wife and daughter's life.  We will surround them with love and we will be there for them every emotional step of the way. 

Rest in Peace our loved friend Goran and rest in OUR arms sweet Peyton and Teyt.

Happy Family at Anabella's first birthday party...

Happy Family at Anabella's second birthday party...

You can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back, 

or you can open your eyes and see all that he’s left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him, 

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday.

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him only that he is gone, 

or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what he’d want: Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

-David Harkins

She loved me...

(HINT: Before you press play and listen to the song, you have to go down the right hand side of this page and press stop or pause on the music that automatically plays on my blog!!!)
Little did I know, when I chose this song as the song my soon to be EX-husband and his groomsmen would walk down the beach aisle to, that it would turn into a love song for our daughter instead of each other. Ironic that she was actually already rolling around and kicking in my belly on that very wedding day 3 plus years ago. And NOW, it's our unofficial little Mama & Bellabean anthem for life.

This song has special meaning NOW more than it ever did then. It makes me think of my sweet girl and be grateful for her unconditional love and the many daily gifts she has given me and everyone around her. The ability to smile every single day, laugh at myself, and love fully and unconditionally just to name a few.

Toy story is her favorite movie. Jessie is her favorite character. In fact I just tossed that exact Jessie doll into her toy box five minutes ago. And every time I hear this song, I don't shed a tear for the past and what's been lost but instead shed a tear for the present and the future and how much love we are so lucky to have in our life. What a difference one breath, one second, one day, one choice can make in your life.

xo

The Invitation...

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. 


I want to know what you ache for, and dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.


It doesn't interest me what planet squares your moon.

I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been open by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
 I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own. If you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.


It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true.

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can hear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not everyday, and if you can source your life from God's presence. I wan to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes"!


It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.


It doesn't interest me who you are, or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.


It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.


I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. 

-Oriah Mountain Dreamer

AMEN! AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!

We Remember...

Remembrance Day 2010. We REMEMBER and we are grateful for the selfless, generous acts that others did and continue to do to protect our country and US.


I won't lie, my military friends and "family" will always hold a very special place in my heart whether they are protecting Canada or the USA. It takes a special kind of human being to make such a selfless commitment to their country and I am grateful and thankful for all of them and all that they have taught me and brought to our lives.


Below are a few pictures of BellaBean and my Remembrance Day together.


xo

Mama & Bellabean on our way out
in the rain for lunch with friends... 

Bella sitting on the parcels we received from Auntie Bev...
think she's excited to get presents?

Bella  having a tea party with her new tea set...
wearing her new purple tutu and headband.
Thank you Auntie Bev!  

SOMEtimes a picture says it all....

It's been a crazy, emotional month of highs and lows....but you gotta have the lows to fully appreciate the highs, right? Life Lesson learned this month? I am NOT crazy and all of this is "normal". Phew...thank goodness.


And to be really honest, since we're 6 months into a major life change and emotional adjustment of a separation with a now 34 month old baby little girl (FYI: That means my BABY will be turning 3 years old,  in 2 months time!!! Whaaaaat?!?!? How did that happen already?!?!?), I wouldn't expect it to be any other way.  


In fact, I'm actually beyond proud of how well adjusted Anabella has proven herself to be and how easily she has transitioned into our new life.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and for all bloody hell to break loose with her, but six months in and it still hasn't happened so I'm thinking that is a good sign it likely won't? Maybe that's wishful thinking?! (Nothing wrong with a few wishes along the way).  


She has accepted all the moves, adjustments, and changes with a constant smile, LOVING heart, and even spunkier (pretty sure that's not even a word??) personality than ever.  This really could have been a WHOLE lot worse in the "two year old separation adjustments" department.  Me thinks I did something very right spending 1 week a month with just me and her, away from her Dad and on the island with my family from the day she was born. I think it made all the difference in how easily she has gone from living in a big house with two parents to living in two different condo's with one parent at a time.  She has never even once asked for her Dad and I to be together.  That alone speaks volumes to me...call me C-R-A-Z-Y.


Anyways, long story short...below is a small glimpse into the past month of our life.  Despite the crap, there has been a lot of GOOD and I am grateful for every single day and every single amazing person who has been there for the both of us.  


Note to self:  It really is the challenging times that  teach you the most about yourself and life.  Those times also teach you exactly who and what is important in your life and more important who and what isn't.  The other people? The other things? The ones who drop off the planet when things are tough yet are happily around ANY time things are going great?(You know the ones I'm talking about, every single one of us knows someone like this....) Don't sweat IT. Who really needs them? Clearly life goes on without them and losing a friend like that, only makes room for MORE of the good ones.


We are so blessed. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You all know exactly who you are. OUR life is better off because of knowing you. 


OH And a super big extra THANK YOU to: Tracy, Robin, Mom, Emma, Kelly, Auntie Bev, Leeanne, Josh, Jewels, Lesley, Shannon, Lisa, Tammy, Sheena, Megan, Robert. You ALL made this month so much better and you all make our hearts smile.


xoxo
Jessy & Bella

The DC girls at Auntie Tracy's.

Nana Ryce & Anabella
on the West Coast Express for a train ride downtown.

BellaBean with her "too big - big girl cowboy boots with pink bows"
that she refuses to take off...
passed out at the end of her Mama's bed.

Pre-halloween make-up fun.

BellaBean admiring her handy dandy make-up skills.
For those of you who saw last year's...
what a difference one year can make.

A hot chocolate and cookie break during trick-or-treating...

Crafts are some serious business
when you're 34 months old....
Her and Lainy will do this for hours.

Her "curling iron/blow dryer/gun"...
Just "Like her Daddy".

The outfit she wouldn't take off,
so she wore it home on the ferry.

LUCKIEST MAMA ON EARTH!!!